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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Someone please help me with a contact issue .....

23 replies

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 14:39

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otto · 21/12/2005 14:43

It does sound as if it's much too soon for this kind of contact. I don't know the legal position, but if you refuse, won't he have to take you to court? If you get on with his mother then I would have a talk to her and explain how your dd isn't even ready to go out with him let alone spend time in his home and you're happy for the situation to continue as it is and then will review it as and when your dd is ready for more contact.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 14:45

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followthestarlover · 21/12/2005 14:45

i have no experience with this kind of thing... but i think if you're on good terms with his mum then it might be worth chatting to her first?
does she realise that your daughter doesn't want to be on her own with him yet? she may be able to talk him round without it having to go to court etc etc

followthestarlover · 21/12/2005 14:46

sorry, just saw your reply! definitely talk to his mum and see if she will talk to him...

otto · 21/12/2005 14:48

It sounds as if his mother is sensitive to your dd's needs and wishes, so I would talk to her first of all.

QueensSpeechEagle · 21/12/2005 14:49

How old is your dd? Even if she is only just 8 she should have a say in what she wants - has she been asked formally? I see this as your greatest defence really, that she doesn't want to yet and the relationship needs a chance to develop more before weekends are considered.

My older 3 kids don't see their bio father either and haven't done for almost 8 years, not even xmas or birthday cards. The contact issue has never come up but it may do in time.

Can you send a brief letter back to the solicitor saying you are giving thought to the request and you will reply more fully after xmas?

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 14:51

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Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 14:52

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munz · 21/12/2005 14:53

how about suggesting nan has DD for a full w/e and dad goes there to see her and stop there - if ur DD is comfortable with that.

or nan go with DD/dad for burger etc.

is it just dad wanting 'alone' time only with DD?

no expreience but that would be a fair comprimise and hopefully confortable for your DD.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 14:54

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QueensSpeechEagle · 21/12/2005 14:56

mosschops, I would stand firm with your dd's dad and insist contact does not change yet. Tell him you are not against it in principle at some point in the future but the time is not right for your dd yet.

As for being seen to do the right thing by the Judge, do a letter saying you are willing to sort things out amicably without the need for constant court visits blah blah blah. How about including a letter from your dd expressing her feelings?

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 14:58

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Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 14:59

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Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 15:05

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Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 15:06

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QueensSpeechEagle · 21/12/2005 15:07

mosschops - sorry about the dad bit. I should have known better really, my ex his known by his name ttoo and dh is their dad. Rteally sorry.

Re the letter: you could just ask your dd to write what she would like contact to be then leave her to it, don't coerce her or lead her into writing anything. I remember when my dd was about 6 she had loads of questions for xdh and always forgot when she saw him so I told her to write them down. Sadly after telling her that he would phone once a week (as she asked) he has never contacted her since.

If it will put your mind at rest with it being xmas then a quick phone call to the solicitor would probably be best then follow up with a letter after when you have more time to get things straight in your head.

QueensSpeechEagle · 21/12/2005 15:08

Yes that letter sounds fine to me.

MelissasSecretSanta · 21/12/2005 15:11

I think you should either phone/write to the solicitor & say along the lines of what you are planning to.

Mention, if you want to, that at the moment, DD doesn't want anymore contact with your ex & she is happy with how things are going & that is the main thing.

Do not let it ruin your Christmas, that would be a bonus for him. Contact the solicitor & file away the letter until the new year.

Have a good Christmas.

gggimmesnowsnow · 21/12/2005 15:13

I have four children who have no contact with their father - despite him having taken me to court for ridiculous contact demands (when ds was under 2, xb asked if he could have contact till "after the last cinema session on a sunday evening - ends at midnighe"). My lawyer suggested going along with it as in the end it is access for the sake of hassling the x, not for contact with the child. If you grant him further access, will he actually take it up? You really should speak to your daughter and ask her to write down exactly what she wants. It would be very helpful to all of you, me thinks.

I think he is out to cause trouble, rather than to gain access.....

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 15:16

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Original poster

Mosschops30 · 21/12/2005 17:29

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gggimmesnowsnow · 21/12/2005 17:53

Def phone his mum and ask her advice.... as in "It's about dd, you know how well it is going at the moment coming to you and x seeing her there, well...." etc

thecattleareALOHing · 21/12/2005 18:20

Oh, I'm so sorry Mosschops. But remember, you don't have to reply to the solicitor at all. Esp not so soon before Christmas. Feel free to ignore it.
I think it would be worth mentioning to his mother that you got this letter and you are really puzzled by it as you thought contact was going well and that dd doesn't want it to change.
Remember, as your dd is 8, if you dispute the contact, she will be asked what she wants. If she doesn't want to spend the weekend with him (and I bet she doesn't after he ignored her for 8 years ) she won't be forced to.

I'm really horrified by his behaviour tbh.

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