Should i give him another chance or has he had one to many? (my father)

[tamba]

This may get long.

When I was 12 my mom discovered that my dad was having an affair, well more than that really, He and his mistress had children and he was living with her too. - double life type thing, splitting the wage packet etc.

Needless to say she kicked him out (good for her!) and he moved in with his mistress. They moved about 3 hours away from us and we went long periods of time without contact. Then he moved back but didnt really speak to me as I didnt get on with his lover.

They then had a baby and got married, I went to there wedding (i was 17) and things started looking up. We (me my dp, him and his dw) starting going out for lunch etc. Then me and dp decided to get married. My dad was supposed to walk me down the aisle.

He didnt turn up. The space next to me on the top table at the wedding stayed empty.

We didnt speak for months after that as i was upset and he wasnt bothered. Then i got pregnant and he wanted to know again. After making alot of effort on my part to forgive and forget (yet again) I had a little boy. I named him after my brother who had died as a baby. My mom was really pleased but my dad didnt like the name. Instead of saying anything to me he ignored me and the baby for nearly 2 years. He would walk past us in the street, if he was in the same room as my ds he would ignore him.

Then i had ds2. He didnt see him but sent a card (must have liked his name then!) It was really getting to me so i decided to be the bigger person and invite them to ds1's 2nd bday party. they came and were really pleased. I started taking the kids round to see him (he accepted ds1 and really got on well with him) He loved being around his first grandchildren.

Since then he has stopped bothering with us again, I know he has relationship problems so that maybe why. He makes no effort at all, It is always me that calls, goes round etc.

He hasnt seen us for about 6 months, I have moved house, he doesnt even know where i live etc. Should i make contact again as it is christmas or will bringing him back into our lives just led to disapointment again? Should my boys get to know there grandad, or will they be upset when he breaks contact again? they are 3 and 1.

He is a plesent person, friendly and is great with the kids. I just know never to rely on him, trust him or expect anything and to take everything with a pinch of salt.

Wow this is long - sorry!

I have had arguments with peopl/ family, and work on the premise that they can p me off, but htey will never hurt or disappoint my children. Hence my sil has not seen my two since ds2 was 9 months old (now 2.5) I think they have to prove themselves before you can trust them with the feelings of children

Only my opinio though

You know that he's unreliable and untrustworthy and seem to have accepted that - but I think that for your children's sake you have to cut your losses. Children don't understand why people flit and in out of their lives, they're likely to think it's their fault that Grandad suddenly doesn't want to know them again.

It doesn't sound as if it would be much of a loss to any of you if you never saw him again.

I completely sympathise Tamba.
I am in a similar situation with my dad.
He didn't have an affair, but he didn't turn up to walk me down the aisle.
My dad doesn't even know We have ds.
Haven't talked to him for over two yeard, since he didn't turn up.

I think Christmas brings on the feelings of wanting to reconcile things.

Do you think about reconciling with him, often ?

dump him and move on

firm but fair

I would send a note with details of where you are but never arrange anything 'big' in case the kids are disapointed.

Contact with my dad is hit and miss too (although there has never been any bad feeling/incidents) and this is just the way it is a far as DS is concerned. Your kids dont have to know the full details.

I do think about it sometimes, like cause its christmas im wondring whether i should buy my half sisters and brother gifts and take them round etc (they are 18 (she is a complete cow, cant stand her so wont bother for her!) 12 and 6) but that means re-establishing contact etc.

He is really nice for a short time, hes funny and friendly - its just he is unreliable and tells porkies!

I still remember being young and oblivious to his behaviour and having piggy back rides etc which is what makes it so difficult.

I think you have to ask yourself how long you are willing to go on like this, being the centre of his world one minute, only to find that a few months on you are not important at this time in his life? How many times will you let yourself be disappointed & let your children be disappointed? They could get to know him, but then who picks up the pieces when he decides he isn't interested? Can you keep doing that?

I haven't spoken to my mum for years, many times she has tried to worm her way in, but I can't afford to let her as I will be constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the next bang, when she decides that she doesn't care about me again! I would be there purely for her own entertainment & I would not benefit from the situation at all.

My DD has never met her, therefore doesn't miss her.

How do you want to live your life? It seems to me that this will be a constant problem & as your DS's get older the disappointments will get bigger & they will be harder to repair.

I'd be tempted to try to build a relationship with your half-siblings, maybe, but not bother with your dad. He's let you down horribly, and I'm afraid he'll keep doing just that.

I am tempted to try and havew a relationship with the half sibling but they are all seriously wierd. I am not even joking - total fruit loops! This is down to there mother who is a totally wierdo and is one of those people that you just try and back away from slowly.

My dad is the most normal of them all and thats not saying much!

I think i was feeling a bit sentimental earlier as i was wrapping pressies for my family, but now i have remmbered how, at my wedding, it was announced that the speeches would be made and everyone looked round for the father of the bride and he wasnt there luckly dh's stepped in with a wonderful speech

I am better off without the addded complication in my life. I must keep telling myself that.

Do you have the same phone number? I think you should be at least contactable.

No our phone number is different and so are our mobiles so i dont even have his number anymore. He is on my msn though although ive never seen him online, I just had an email about 7 weeks ago saying hello ive added you to my msn hope thats ok love dad.

I could contact him through my brother i think although he hasnt seen him for a while.