divorced parents at xmas

[teabagsandwine]

My dad has remarried recently. We have a very strained relationship, too long to bore you with. Do you send xmas cards addressed to both or just him? I have no relationship with his wife but he has started signing cards to me from both of them.

I am in my 30's and finding this whole parents divorcing/remarrying a stressful thing!

No experience I'm afraid but it would be a step forward to address the card to both, I s'pose.jj

Message withdrawn

teabagsandwine - I have a difficult relationship with my dad. He remarried 10 odd years ago and it was a really big deal for me to go to the wedding, but I did, if through gritted teeth. and I smiled all day. and I send cards addressed to them both. hell, I even buy her a present these days. I don;t know the particulars for you but if you want to maintain some semblance of a relationship I personally think you have to take a big gulp and accept that your dad has made certain choices. He's married, like it or not, that's his decision - she is part of his life now, and if you still want a bit of him in your life it probably means a bit of her too. It's hard, I know, but to cut her out in trivial ways (by sending a care only addressed to him) sets a tone for the future - to include her in such a trivial thing sends a message that you're an adult about things. It might mean nothing -

• just because you send a card addressed to both of them, doesn't mean you have to start liking her - but it might also be a good thing. Your dad might respect you for doing it - it might help you reformulate an adult relationship with him. I feel that since I accepted dad's wife I can get on with him better. And after a lot of time and water I even concede these days to quite liking her, and acknowledging how good she is with the kids.

My dad married a truly horrible woman who was really mean to us like an old-style wicked step mother throughout our teens. She made it really hard to visit and tried her best to keep us away from our dad.

It got even worse after I confronted her a few years ago (when I had my dd).

Now though, I make double sure I address all cards to both of them and, where appropriate, presents.

I am doing what I believe is the right thing. I admit I also get a childish satisfaction from feeling like the bigger person, the grown up. She's too small and bitter to write me a card.

thanks, you have all made very reasonable suggestions.

I don't hate her personally but......well I wasn't even invited to the wedding or told that he was getting married! He has shut me out as opposed to the other way around. I made a lot of effort but he didn't let me into his new life. Now he is making a bit of effort but I am so far down the line and have been so hurt by him that I can't bring myself to even humour him these days. It is now at the point that we have limited contact, but he acts like we are all happy families. But yes, I suppose it would be grown up of me to bite the bullet and address to both .

you do have my sympathy. dads can be arses can't they? I got so hurt by mine so many times - nothing dramatic, just consistent failure to make an effort, even after pleading letters and promises to the contrary. I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to draw a line under it. I had to accept the relationship for what it is and stop hoping that it might improve. It still niggles but I feel I've moved away from a cycle of hurt. We will never be close and there is nothing I can do to change that. We speak on the phone maybe once every couple of months and I see him maybe 3-4 times a year. Don't know whether this is relevant but just saying that sometimes I think we have to make a decision that we are not going to allow ourselves to be hurt.

Ooh teabags and wine - it's excruciating isn't it? The "Love Dad and Wifey xxx" thing. My dad signs emails like that. Actually I like his new wife but fgs emails?? Also irks me that we went to lots of effort to get her a lovely present last year, and we received a cheque from both of them last xmas and birthdays. Great, lots of effort put in on her part to become part of our family. (I hate cheques as presents.) This year we gave them a book, one present together. If they can't be arsed then neither can I.

TBH I would and do send a card to both of them, but then I do have a relationship with her of sorts.

I am also in my thirties, and my parents have been divorced for over 20 years. It was easy when I was a kid, I just went with what they decided. Now I have to do the deciding and frankly it stresses me out beyond belief. They are two of the least proactive people out there and I am so so tired of making the effort.

Obviously none of us go into marriage and children thinking divorce is an easy way out, but I am absolutely unshakeably determined not to get divorced. Touch wood.

pruni and hativity - it helps to read your comments.
(My dad also favours sending a cheque!)

I have tried to draw a line and to an extent I have but can't quite move on. Each time I do he seems to dig the knife in a bit deeper! He is practically a stranger to me these days. His mistress and now wife was a 'friend' of my mums...so I also feel split loyalties with regards to accepting the whole situation. You are right though, hativity, I have to accept it for what it is, but it's hard to do and all seems a bit of a farce!

nice - as it were - to talk to 30 year olds about this stuff cos a lot of people just think that parents getting divorced only affects you when you're a kid. My parents split when I was 13. About a year ago my Dad visited my mum (they haven't spoken for years) and pretty much admitted it was a mistake and he wasn't happy. When my mum told me this I bawled and bawled. I had always suspected but to hear it I was devastated. My mum - who was obviously also upset by the whole thing said "I don;t know why you're upset" . We're very close and I love her to bits but she just didn't get it. I couldn't explain - and didn't try. I too will never divorce.

hat I find the effects much worse nowadays, but I think that's down to the personalities of my parents. I don't blame them for getting divorced and I'm not sorry they did, but oh boy I wish they themselves were a) different, and b) in any way sensitive to the fact that although it's over for them, it's an ongoing quagmire for their family.

I did think that as an adult, my family would bother me less, but to my horror I find the whole thing sucks even more. And what's more every single adult child of divorced parents I know groans in agreement...

Do you think we're the first generation to suffer the after-effects en masse? I'm sure sociologists and psychologists in fifty years' time will be having a field day with our data.

my parents were married 25 years and then split up, i was 23 at the time.
my dad makes no effort at all to see me or his grandchildren even though i was always 'daddys girl' when i lived at home.
He lives about 30 minute drive away and works with my dh ( who can't stick him) and as usual he has sent cards with vouchers inside for us for xmas so obviously not planning on visiting. Me, i will be making sure i go give him his present in person (even tho i don't drive) and have also got one for his partner.
It makes me feel better that i do the right thing but i sympathise with everybody on this coz it does actually quite hurt.

Yes, ff, it does hurt, I agree. I thought I'd be immune to it by now but I'm not. Parents are so odd, aren't they?!

I would send to both.
How would you feel if you remarried and someone didnt acknowledge your new partner