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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separate rooms, separate lives?

53 replies

blondie74 · 10/10/2011 22:50

DH has been sleeping in guest bedroom for some months, due he said to the problems I've been having with symptoms of going through the change. This has seen our sex life dwindle to practically nothing, something I have tried to improve but with little success. He has now decided that he wants this arrangement to be permanent.

I really miss the intimacies of sharing a bed (not just the sex) and he is well aware of that. It feels like we have become housemates and are no longer really a married couple. One of my biggest pleasures was having DC join us in bed at the weekends which felt to me what being a family was all about and I had always thought he shared that view but apparently that's not the case. Our DC is still young and of an age where they love being in the big bed and pretending it's a pirate ship or whatever but just doing that with mum isn't quite the same and it saddens me that DC has lost that.

DH has been on ADs for a couple of years and it has changed him. DH is happy just to bumble along like this and doesn't want to split up. Neither of us wants to subject DC to a divorce. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how do you make it work?

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 11/10/2011 02:32

Have you been having menopausal symptoms which have interfered with your sex life, or has your dh seized on this as an excuse, perhaps to hide the fact that his libido has waned - if it has, this may be due to the ADs he's taking and a change of medication may help encourage him back to the marital bed on occasion if not every night.

In the meantime, is there any reason why dh can't climb into bed with you and the dc on weekend mornings?

Helltotheno · 11/10/2011 09:55

Myself and dh often sleep separately due to his snoring/our different sleep patterns. But we're often together, esp on weekend mornings so it's doable.
Sounds to me like he's been looking for an excuse, which is maybe down to his meds but could be down to something else. You'll need to try and talk to him about it tbh.

PopcornMouse · 11/10/2011 10:37

DH and I often sleep apart too, as I need a huge lot of sleep and DH doesn't, and he also works shifts. We get round this by having a hug in the marital bed before I go to sleep and he drifts off to the other room (or to the PS3 for another hour or three as is often the case lol) and in the mornings when I wake up I'll go and find him and have a snuggle if he's off work - so I suppose what I'm saying is sleeping apart doesn't have to result in an emotional and sexual desert. You just do the boring bit separately :o

You need to talk to DH about it; is it possible he doesn't realise how much it matters to you?

Original poster

blondie74 · 11/10/2011 22:57

izzy I did have some symptoms that made sex painful but they eased off it was more a problem with the amount of heat I was producing and fitful sleep as a result but I got tablets that have eradicated the hot flushes. He has said that his libido has waned but he hasn't chosen to do anything about it and I can hardly frogmarch him to the GP.

He now goes to bed much later than me and sleeps in at the weekends so DC and I are up long before him.

Hell I think the meds have played a part but there has to be more to it than that. He is making more of an effort with doing housework and talking more to me about general stuff since he said he wanted his own room permanently. I keep thinking today of all the times I've heard about men doing nice things before dumping their OH.

Popcorn he does know how much it upsets me because the last time we spoke about it he kept reassuring me that it would just be until the change symptoms stopped. They have but he no longer wants that kind of intimacy.

We need to talk again but I've got to find the right approach so that he doesn't immediately get defensive.

OP posts:

izzywhizzysfritenite · 12/10/2011 00:25

He now goes to bed much later than me and sleeps in at the weekends

It seems to me that you're effectively living separate lives under the same roof.

Why does he go to bed so much later that you, and why don't you and the dc pile into his bed at weekends?

I suggest you sit him down and have a chat about what's really going on here.

Does he have another woman? Is he getting his rocks off on internet porn/sleazy dating sites after you've retired for the night?

If his libido has vanished due to the ADs, is he prepared to speak to his GP about a change of medication? If he doesn't intend to resume having marital sex, how does he feel about you taking a lover?

If he gets defensive, give him the third degree - tie him to a chair and shine a bright light in his face until he talks

Original poster

blondie74 · 13/10/2011 09:55

Had the conversation with DH last night. He said ?I love you but I?m not in love with you anymore?. Apparently he loves me like a sister but that?s it and has done for the best part of a year (from the start of the menopause symptoms basically). He kept saying that he?d ruined everything and he couldn?t bear hurting me or DC. He swears there is no-one else as he can?t cope with a physical relationship with me let alone anyone else. He is saying that he will see the GP about his ADs but just wants to go along as we are and see if it gets better.

My world has fallen apart and I just don?t know what to do.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 13/10/2011 10:37

That's an awful thing for you to hear. But don't do anything drastic yet. If what he's saying is true, the two of you have a good chance of working through it. It's one thing him saying that from the point of view of still being in the house with you and dc - if he was out on his own, it would probably be a different story.
He should go and sort out his meds and also, maybe you should try and pursuade him to go and see a counsellor.

Charbon · 13/10/2011 11:38

That must have been an awful thing to hear, but I'm sorry, I don't think you're hearing the truth.

IME, when a man says this it means that there is definitely someone else, but it's not convenient right now for him to leave and be with the other person.

Unless you can find evidence of that, I think you should consider what you must do with this partial admission. It is unfair and will destroy your self-esteem to live a lie and continue in a marriage with someone who says he is not in love with you.

FairyTea · 13/10/2011 17:13

I heard those exact same words from H. Not in love with you, ruined everything. No-one else and this was after a period of him having taken himself off to the spare room and having no interest in a physical relationship with me.

I asked him to leave if he wasn't 'in love' with me. (think in hindsight that's what he wanted) and months later found out that there had been an OW all along. Hope this is not the case for you but just wanted to prepare you as I was completely shocked. I had asked him several times directly if there was someone else and he gave me that wounded look as if to say 'how could you even think such a thing'

Original poster

blondie74 · 13/10/2011 17:33

It all comes down to whether he wants to do get back to where we were. I can't believe there isn't someone else otherwise. If it wasn't for DC I would get him to go

OP posts:

izzywhizzysfritenite · 13/10/2011 17:47

He's sure pulled the rug from under you, hasn't he? Nice one - not.

If you're going to continue leading separate lives under the same roof, please do everything you can to make yours as rewarding as possible - indulge yourself, get out and about on your own or with friends/other family members, develop a passion and a zest for life because you only get one and it's too short to waste on a man who doesn't love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

Charbon · 14/10/2011 00:35

Blondie please take control of this, for your own sake and the DCs. He will leave when it suits him and the OW and he won't worry about the timing. Whereas if you control the timing of his departure, you can prepare the children for what's happening and set the agenda to an extent. He is using this situation to bide his time, ensuring he's getting all the home comforts while planning his exit.

Don't allow him this luxury on your time.

SnapesMistress · 14/10/2011 19:22

I would get him to move out, if there is an OW it will become clear and if not it will let him fully comprehend his feelings away from the comfort of home and hearth.

Original poster

blondie74 · 14/10/2011 21:22

After another talk he says he wants to get back to where we were and is going to see the GP to see if his ADs can be adjusted. He is adamant that there isn't an OW. I'm waiting to see if he does go to the GP. I feel that we have to at least try to see if we can fix this, otherwise what was the point of taking our wedding vows?

OP posts:

sloggies · 14/10/2011 21:34

I agree with you Blondie, relationships can be saved when both parties want it enough.

HappyHarrirt · 14/10/2011 22:58

DH and I have slept apart for more years than we ever did together. He is always up early for work, and running a small craft business means I'm up until all hours talking/emailing to suppliers in the far east - and we both know that it's impractical - and being a former WREN pensioner, I was more used to single bunks! You could say we have entirely different lives to an extent as our lifestyles & interests differ so much as well, but this never means we don't share a mutual bond and love. It's always refreshing to sit down with each other, forget our own life for awhile and hear the gossip from each others 'side'.

Original poster

blondie74 · 15/10/2011 14:26

I'm also bothered by the message it sends to DC if at the first sign of trouble we call it quits. If he left would it set up an expectation that no man is a permanent fixture because there is no point in ever trying to resolve issues?

If the pessimists are correct that's one thing and can be dealt with further along the line, but if it is a genuine case of having lost our way and that it could be rebuilt jumping immediately to divorce would deprive us both of a longterm loving relationship with no guarantees that we would ever find it again with other people.

OP posts:

Landedgentry · 15/10/2011 15:13

So is he going to move back into your bed, or will this be you making all the effort to understand his 'depression', tiptoe around him and try to make him fall in love with you all over again?

Original poster

blondie74 · 15/10/2011 18:50

Landed No to the first. The rest will come down to how much effort he makes to repair the situation. If he doesn't see the GP and it all carries on as before obviously I won't be wasting my time trying to resolve the situation. He has to make the first moves.

OP posts:

headnotheart · 15/10/2011 19:36

If ADs are causing sexual problems but otherwise helping, GPs will sometimes prescribe Viagra. I knew of someone who had this prescribed, he kept it secret from his wife because he felt it would damage his self-respect if hedidn't, but used it about once or twice a month. He says it saved his marriage. Alright, he told a white lie by omission, but...

HappyHarrirt · 17/10/2011 19:31

Has he seen the doc yet Blondie?

Original poster

blondie74 · 02/11/2011 05:57

Things improved dramatically over the last couple of weeks and he has been making a huge effort, and sharing a bed again. Yesterday I received several anonymous texts from the OW. When I asked what her name was she just sent me a lengthy text detailing their now defunct relationship but not identifying herself. I sent back a text "which one are you" and the implication that she was just one of many shut her up rather more effectively than calling her all the names under the sun.

Charbon et al - you were right. Gloat away....

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 02/11/2011 06:04

Oh blondie :(

I am damn sure nobody wants to gloat (although having read this for the first time just now it seemed obvious to me there was an OW :(

You poor thing :(

Have you confronted your H about it?

Original poster

blondie74 · 02/11/2011 06:11

If not gloating, a deafening chorus of "I told you so".

Yes, I forwarded the texts. He said he'd been a total tw*t but it was over as he couldn't bear to keep hurting me. I've told him he's made a total fool out of me and that I don't deserve to have been treated like that. Just been calm and collected.

OP posts:

beararse · 02/11/2011 06:12

I don't think anyone will gloat blondie. What are you going to do?

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