DH wants another baby, I probably don't and it's causing resentment - fertility issues too

[hesaysyayisaynay]

Dh wants to try again for another baby. I have to have IVF to get pregnant. We tried after ds a couple of times and I feel we gave it a go, it didn't happen and I am grateful to have the child I thought I might never have.

He has openly said I didn't try hard enough and gave up on the IVF too soon. I think it's easy for him to say this as it wasn't him traipsing to the clinic daily and pumping himself full of drugs or having all those unpleasant procedures.

His resentment of this is seeping into other areas of our relationship. He has called me a waster and lazy (admittedly mid argument) and I think he doesn't respect me for this.

We have tried counselling and it's not his thing.

I now face either trying again via IVF (we can have a frozen embryo cycle so it's not quite so overwhelming but the thought still fills me with dread) and me potentially resenting him or not trying and him resenting me forever.

Our relationship isn't great in other ways and I don't know whether I can take doing it all again when he isn't very supportive in my view when I'm going through treatment plus if I got pg I'd feel fat and vulnerable due to already feeling invisible to him.

Help!

He would argue that I am bullying him into not having a much-wanted second child though?
He has suggested we could look for a surrogate which is his positive trying to find a solution idea. I can't imagine a surrogate would take our case on as we already have a child and just not fancying doing more treatment doesn't sound very needing.

Your problem is not IVF or not. It's continue this marriage or not.

I agree northern. The Ivf situation just means it's crunch time.

He is being unfair.

IVF takes a huge toll on the mind and body that he is not even trying to comprehend. It is also lifethreatening if you get OHSS (which you wouldn't be at risk from during a frozen cycle, admittedly). Never mind that pregnancy itself can do many things to your body/health.

The desire for children can be incredibly strong but I usually agree with the overriding sentiment here that the person who doesn't want a child is the one who gets the deciding vote - it's a situation where it only works if both parents want the baby.

As pregnancy affects women and not men, I think you get an even stronger 'vote' imho when it comes to saying no, especially as he wasn't supportive the first time. To be honest I can't understand how he watched you go through all that the first time without being supportive.

If the relationship was in a good place and you were simply unsure of having another child, I'd advise seriously considering the FE. But as he is being so selfish, that simply wouldn't be right :(

Oh yes OHSS - I had a near miss with that last time. Not fun.

I am beginning to wonder if he has sort of decided he doesn't want to be with me any more and this is a bit of an excuse to bring things to a head, although it is a real issue too.

I might be being paranoid there.

I just don't feel like he really loves me or even respects me that much and he definitely doesn't fancy me .

oh honey, I agree with northern. can you see a counsellor on your own? do you have close friends you can confide in?

Oh OP, he sounds horrible! I think you should be looking at separation rather than committing yourself to another child with him.

He clearly cares more for himself than for you. You can't possibly have another baby with a man who you have to tell to hold your hand during a difficult time.

And FFS if infertility was just a matter of 'not trying hard enough' then nobody would be infertile, would they?

Oh I have an even better story than that. I had a car accident and was taken to hospital in an ambulance, given morphine etc.

He had had a call saying your wife has been in an accident please go to x hospital. Now as it happens I was sort of ok but...

So when he got there did he hug me? Did he say I'm glad you're okay? Nope. Nothing. Just a quick chat with the doctor as if I wasn't there. He was quite good with the practical stuff though to be fair. Oh I do try and be fair to him quite a lot on this thread!!

if I were you, I wuld stop being fair on him. he doesnt seem to extend the same courtesies.

Hard as it is to judge a relationship on this kind of thread, the small amount you have written makes him sound like an unkind, uncaring bully. It's not 'normal' for men to be cold and ignore their partner when they are upset. Yes some men (and some women) are like that. Many are not - my current partner is not like that. regardless of what is 'normal' - what's important is how you feel about that behaviour, whether you consider it acceptable. It's your relationship and your choices- it sounds as though you are not used to your needs being taken into consideration.

I think you would benefit enormously from having counselling on your own, to look at your own self esteem and unpick some of your patterns of behaviour - ie. you say you have been chasing his affection, that is unbalanced and not a way to be happy. You deserve to be really loved and cherished - if your partner can't give you that, the counselling can help you look at whether you should walk away.

Please remember that if you don't want to go through IVF (totally acceptable choice ) - that will not be the reason your relationship ends. Imagine a man telling his friends - I ended it because she wouldn't go through IVF again?! that is a shameful thing for him to say - nobody else would think he was right in the head! so - hold your head high, stick to your guns about your concerns ..and try to find someone to talk it all through with - without him.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

No advice but when I read it through I felt like you and your DH were Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon.

Oh dear re Henry and Catherine

I'm trying to be fair because I'm very conscious, as waterrat suggests, that these threads only give my, the OP's side of the story. I can be a control freak a nag and a bit negative I suppose.

But that's maybe something which I could deal with better if I had a partner who reassured me when things were difficult.

Oh dear I have a bit of a 'we're doomed' feeling about this at the moment. On paper it doesn't look great does it?

It's really a tribute to you that you are being so measured and trying to give the other point of view so much. But for precisely the same reason the facts that you are giving seem so stark.

Do you really think that it is the infertility that has caused this strain in your marriage? Or if you had easily had 2.4 children do you think something else would have being a bone of contention?

I don't understand how a normal, mature, adult man could be so heartless to see the infertility as 'your' problem, to act as if he is doing you a favour to stay with you? It's an attitude of the Tudor times as someone else said. Or of a culture where children are everything and all and infertility is seen as a curse rather than a medical fact.

You say he resents you, has called you lazy and a waster - because you haven't had a hoard of children? Does he come from a huge family? Does he have some antiquated image of a family he measures you up to?

Counselling session booked. She knows the background and is the one who did our joint sessions so has heard some of his side of things first hand.

I do think that the infertility has caused a lot of this but who knows if it would have been something else otherwise. I don't get how he can say it is 'my issue' not 'our issue'. I said to him a while ago when he made those comments that if it were the other way round there's no way I'd say some of the things he had or think it was anything but a shared problem. He wasn't upset at the time (he doesn't do upset really) so he must have really meant it - not something said in the heat of the moment.

He resents the fact I haven't (allegedly) tried hard enough to have another when there are frozen embryos waiting to be used. And then it has seeped into other areas that he thinks I'm generally lazy. I only work when ds is at school so don't get that. But that's another issue.

His words were that I should try harder with treatment as I am the one with the issue and if it were the other way round that's what he would do.

I don't think he loves me in any 'normal' way. If there is a normal way.

I feel for you hesays. I had DS within first month of trying so assumed I was super fertile. Turned out I actually have severe endometriosis which came to light when trying for number 2 which caused my periods to be absolute agony.

I went through 2 bouts of surgery to try to get it sorted so we could have another one and each time my period came it was progressively worse to the point where I was unable to function normally for 2 days in 28 or 26 or 24 or whenever it came, oh and plus I was on hormone injections for 6 months which turned me into an emotional wreck.

Whilst DH was in no way as hurtful as yours, he is a naturally optimistic man so kept trying to down play my pain - oh it isn't as bad as it was last time and accused me of not wanting a second baby as much as him because I wasn't prepared to go through pain all the time.

Thankfully we now seem to have worked it out and he is reconciled to not having another, but it hurts I would have loved another as well and I felt that he would want me not to be in pain more than he would have wanted a non -existant baby.

Counselling is a great idea, particularily as she has experience of both of you.

He is so far from thinking he has to do anything differently though....

Rookie sorry you went through similar experiences.

How are you doing? When is your counselling to start?

Thanks for asking. I went today. It was so useful and confirmed what I was thinking about it being the worst idea imaginable to have another baby with the way things are between us. Will discuss with dh soon.

Must be so stressful. Does he think there are relationship issues to be worked on, or is he just seeing it as you having issues and he's fine?

He does know and realise things aren't great yes. But he doesn't seem to think he needs to change anything - I need to change or accept him the way he is.

But to accept him the way he is would mean not being yourself?
Playing a part instead, acting a role?
Going ahead with the IVF, playing at happy families?

I don't know what he thinks Lovethesea. Will be having a discussion with him soon.

I need to change OR accept him the way he is

What he's actually saying is that he is not willing to consider altering his behaviour and that you need to change in order TO accept him as he is.

This doesn't bode well for counselling.

He thinks he is ok and supportive enough and does not need to change. Have to accept him as he is, is his view.