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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New Relationship - Red Flag?

59 replies

FancyNancy77 · 10/10/2011 13:28

Hi All

I'm a long time lurker here. Have been through all the ups and downs but never really had courage to post.
My relationship with my ExH broke down a year ago due to repeated Internet cheating - despite repeated promises he never stopped (he couldn't apparently - yeah right)

Anyway I'm on my own raising my 3 yr old. A few months ago I met a nice man. We get on well and he lives close by.

But . . .
He talks about his ex-wife a fair bit and it's so venomous. It's really off putting.He tells me all the details of their child custody battle and it's horrendous (plus a tad boring if I'm honest)
I'm a big girl and I know the men i date in my 30's are going to have pasts but it is the nasty way he speaks of her and her family that puts me off.
What is really going on for him?
he seems so gentle and kind until she comes up. I'm thinking I'm going to get rid.

I've tried to approach it with him and his response was very angry. I said "please don't get angry"
And he said "I don't get angry . . EVER". I think I touched a nerve.

Has anybody any experience with this? I'm not in physical relationship with him as I like to take things VERY slow on that front. Just kissing and stuff . . .

Thanks for allowing me to lurk for so long. I'm going to start giving something back now as I see all the people on here in pain over Internet cheating. I healed so much from reading the threads here over the past couple of years

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 14:42

Seedless - thing is, it doesnt reallymater whether the things he's saying about his ex are accurate or not.
For me, the problem is that he is endlesslessly spouting about it, is clearly angry and should be able to recognise that this is inappropriate and uncomfortable for nancy.

Its his lack of grace and constant griping that suggest he is somewhat undesirable/

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 10/10/2011 14:43

seedlessgrape I take your point that you can be angry at ill-treatment and still be a good person. But if OP's boyfriend is, on a number of occasions, speaking venomously about his ex-wife, he clearly isn't over the relationship, and therefore not in a fit position to be dating again. Not fair on the OP to suffer his continued emotional fallout from feelings he hasn't finished processing.

In addition to which, this:

I've tried to approach it with him and his response was very angry. I said "please don't get angry" And he said "I don't get angry . . EVER". I think I touched a nerve.

is frankly frightening.

Pan · 10/10/2011 14:47

Ah, no JV - moved from Glasgow when I was still a wee one. Now in North Derbyshire. My dad was very gutteral in speech. I do find myself sometimes thinking in a Glaswegian accent. Which is a bit Hmm

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 14:52

I left scotland at 7. Still think in Scottish!

Pan · 10/10/2011 14:58

Thank the lord it isn't just me!!

Still get goosepimples at the sight and sound of a pipeband. Love going up to see relatives, and almost immediatly slide into the lingo. Love seeing the flags over the public buildings, and have a comfortable feeling of being 'home' again.

And still support Scotland footie.Sad. If we just beat World and European Champions Spain tonight, we qualify for Euro 2012..no pressure there then..Grin

Original poster
FancyNancy77 · 10/10/2011 15:07

Seedless: I'm not sure if my fella is dangerous or anything either. But to be honest it is unusual how much he refers to her and their custody battle.
So while I would understand not speaking favourable about his Ex to a point it's the frequency that has grated away at me over these past months. Just wish it hadn't taken me so long to notice.

I'm not sure how favourable I sound when talking of my exH but I do my best to stay neutral! Will be ever conscious of it now. I'd hate to sound like a resentful, bitter old woman. Even if I am {grin}

OP posts:
seedlessgrape · 10/10/2011 15:41

Nancy there is a reason why we have ex-partners and usually it's not down to their good points!! It's human nature to talk somewhat disparagingly about an ex; after all, we all hope the next one will be perfect (okay, maybe not perfect but a bit better!).

I don't know whether you're blowing this out of proportion; only you can decide on that. But however you deal with it, good luck :)

Pan · 10/10/2011 15:53

Is it human nature to disaparge an ex? I don't think it is. We all have differing natures and personalities. I don't think there is a blanket one for this issue at all.
tbh I have been saddened, and disappointed at times, and had to say things that have been difficult for someone else to hear. But I have never, ever disparaged an ex to a new belle. As we know it's nothing to do with them, and it's all to d owith me to sort out my own thoughts, and emotions.

I'm not perfect, by any means. But to say unpleasant things to a new potential/actual partner about an ex I know isn't in my nature.

and I am sure Nancy knows she isn't blowing anything out of proportion here.

lolaflores · 10/10/2011 16:04

each to their own really. if it worries you then it is a fair call. it would certainly make me pause for thought. I met a guy once, very lovely but was talking about pre-nups on the 5th date! Cleared out sharpish I can tell you. He had a good relationship with the ex but having said that....weirdy! Also met another guy who did exactly the same thing about his ex, it was embarrasing to listen to and he NEVER stopped on about it. He got the heave too. It says alot about a persons character as to how long they hold onto their anger and resentment.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 10/10/2011 16:05

Sorry but I agree with the poster who said it didn't matter whether the horrible things he was saying about his ex were true or not.

Fact is, the OP isn't his unpaid counsellor. If he's got issues, frickin well pay someone £50 an hour to sort them out, not dump all his emotional baggage on the OP.

It's called being on the rebound.

Never ever date someone on the rebound. Let them go off and date some other poor sucker first, then think about dating them.

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 16:09

... unless they angrily insist they never get angry! There's a whole, weird world of denial in that one sentence Shock

lolaflores · 10/10/2011 16:11

well said that woman below me. Lets all stop fixing people. that made me shape up and ship out of loserville. One hint of a puppy with a poorly paw and I fled for the hills. Got myself in all sorts of strife that took alot of repairing (physical, emotional and structural damage to my house) that upon reflection coul;d have been easily resolved if I stopped thinking i was Rolf Harris on Animal rescue.

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 16:15

I stopped thinking i was Rolf Harris on Animal rescue Grin Grin

lolaflores · 10/10/2011 16:18

Go on girl, drop kick him

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 16:44

I dont think it is necessarily human nature to talk disparagingly about an ex.
My ex is a very good friend, he may irritate me at times (and vice versa) but nope, have never slated him to other people.

Even when there is acrimony, its never a good look to whinge on about how badly treated you've been.

(Pan - I'm very much the same! Love being in a room full of broad scottish accents, love being called Hen Smile Dont visit nearly as much as I should. Re the footie - ds is currently wearing his Spain kit. Must practice Gracious In Defeat face!)

mouldyironingboard · 10/10/2011 17:52

I think the point is that he was discussing his ex in a disrespectful way with someone he doesn't know well. What would happen if it turned out that you know his ex?

Even if his ex is a truly nasty piece of work who has behaved badly he still shouldn't be sharing that with you until you know him well. I don't think he's ready for a new relationship yet as it doesn't sound like he is moving on.

I once had a few dates with a man who kept referring to his ex as 'that bitch' and told me how awful she was. Once I asked a few more questions, it turned out that he was the one who had an affair and he resented the fact that his ex had ended the marriage, kicked him out and had a new boyfriend!

DestinationUnknown · 10/10/2011 18:17

OP, if nothing else, the fact that he's boring you rigid with the same old same old tales of wronged injustice blah blah blah should be enough for you to quit now. When a relationship is new, it should be exciting, or at least interesting most of the time.

I've been there with a man who wasn't angry but was very hurt by and obsessed with the details of his ex-W's affair, their subsequent marriage breakdown - and offloaded it all on me. 40 mins of a 45 min phone conversation would be a monologue from him until I decided I just wasn't that desperate and would rather be single than going "oh, mm, hmm, right, oh dear" every time he phoned.

let us know how it goes Smile

Original poster
FancyNancy77 · 11/10/2011 10:08

So I sent him a "it's not you it's me" email. Just told him i needed to be on my own. Which is true. I'm tired of fixing broken men. My energy is going in to me and my journey.

I know email is a bit rude but he's a bit stunted on the phone (unless he's talking about the Missus). I apologised and wished him well.

He replied saying he noticed I wasn't in great form on Sunday night. . . .Possibly because he was regaling the child handover earlier that day in all it's gorey details. Poor little 4 yr old boy that is a product of those 2. They need to grow up and start putting him first.

Thanks again people.

OP posts:
pictish · 11/10/2011 10:11

Good for you! Who the hell needs to be their boyfriend's sodding marriage counsellor?!
Yuck.

garlicScaresVampires · 11/10/2011 10:20

:) Congrats.
I'm tired of fixing broken men. My energy is going in to me and my journey.
Bon voyage!

lolaflores · 11/10/2011 10:48

and off sails another woman captained ship of destiny into calmer waters. stand down ladies, our work here is done.

freeandhappy · 11/10/2011 11:24

brilliant

JeremyVile · 11/10/2011 11:26

Well done you!

Pan · 11/10/2011 11:58

Congrats. to you. And breatheeeee.

{stand down ladies} cough...

lolaflores · 11/10/2011 12:12

as you were people