Fathers who are favouritist

[greencolorpack]

Christmas is coming and we now live in the same country as MIL and both of my parents (divorced). And every Christmas now, argggggghhhh! At least in the past I lived in a different country from my parents. And MIL lived in her own place with her own support network but now she's moved to be near to us and she's ill she doesn't know anyone in this town but for us and her daughter, so she expects to have us for Christmas.

If we were really organised we would have booked a hotel as far away from everyone else as possible. But, we didn't, and here we are in October, and my Dad plans to invite us for Christmas.

My Dad phoned and said "I've bought some beds when I was out with your sister, and so you will come and stay with me this Christmas." So, he bought beds - so we would stay. Huh? Isn't there a part somewhere in this process where you ASK the relative if they WANT to come over? But no, he's bought the beds now and is hoping to emotionally blackmail us into staying with him "Because I spent all that money on beds." He uses money to try and manipulate us. He buys us expensive presents so a third party (my Mum) will be impressed that he's flashing cash around. I'm not impressed. He bought us a trainset. My husband aged 12 would have loved it, but he's a man now and has a family and we have no room for a trainset.

And then Dad proceeds to tell me in great detail about how he sees my sister on a weekly basis and buys her meals out and they spend loads of time together and have a great time of it. And he says "Aren't you jealous of all this money I spend on your sister?" Well - I was and this was a large part why I lived hundreds of miles away from these people in another country, cos I was sick of the favouritism.

I hummed and hawed and didn't commit to Christmas but asked if I could see his house (cos he's lived there over a year, he moved to the same town as my sister and has never invited me round). He said "You can come over in about three weeks time and I'll invite your mum and sister as well, we can make a day of it." I thought, okay, so you can't see me without my sister around, even though she is there with you every single weekend? He seems to think he can't see me without a huge entourage of other family members.

After speaking to him on the phone and having it rubbed in just how worthless he seems to see me, my mood took a dive and it's hard to pick myself up, so I'm not going to go to his house and I'm not going for Christmas. And I'm just steeling myself for the inevitable fallout. And I've lived in the same country for two years now and he's seen me about four times in total since I moved back. I've offered to go over, I've tried, he just fobs me off or gives a date a month in the future - he's retired!!! It's not like he's doing anything all day!!!

Anyone else have the idea that Christmas is supposed to be fun but finds that family members suck all the fun out?

Hi greencolorpack. Have you ever visited the Stately Homes thread? If not, you'll find a lot of friendly people there who discuss;

• parents who make us feel worthless
• learning how to say "no" or to set boundaries with such parents
• that it's ok to feel that way

..and a bunch of other related things.

On your post more specifically: sounds like you know what you want to do, and you are actually doing it. Fantastic!

What will this fallout be, and will it really be so terrible? Why is it important to you how your father reacts to this, when he has spent his whole life making you feel bad?

I've got a sister who is a massive hypocrite. I love her and try and deal with her without thinking of the relationship we have with our parents, but at the moment, I know for a fact that she was along with Dad when buying the beds. She and Dad both treat me like a choosy Siamese cat who must be coaxed using all kinds of little mind tricks into doing their bidding, rather than just being straightforward and asking. The hypocrisy is that: my sister sees a lot of my Dad but she refuses to let him come round her house. She's never had Dad over for Christmas, whereas we did, two years ago. So she wants Dad to have us (myself, husband, three kids) round Dad's quite small new flat, because she would never go there herself. She knows how bad it is being a houseguest at Dads and she won't do it but she's happy to put me in an awkward position by encouraging Dad to buy beds to try and impel me to go. And if she stayed it would be just herself and her husband, but with us there are also three children.

Dad is not practical. He used to live in a house with a massive table in the middle of a tiny kitchen and so my children were stuffed up against the back of cutlery drawers etc, and rather than Dad moving us to a bigger dining area, he would just shout and get frustrated at my children. I know that he lives in an even smaller place now and I'm sure it's perfectly serviceable for him as a bachelor but the moment you introduce five extra people to the mix we are just going to get under each other's feet and it will be hellish - when Dad gets frustrated he yells and screams and I don't want my children having to deal with that.

So the fallout - my sister will send me snidey little emails going on about family and not bearing grudges and being a good Christian and she will try and guilt trip me into being a biddable sister. I know that dysfunctional families operate by making everyone fulfil the role given to them, so sister is the favoured one, I'm the overlooked one, Mum is the ex Dad is super super polite to, and my children are the scum under Dad's feet who get shouted at (he's not good with kids). I'm proud of the fact that my children have good self esteem and they know that Dad's behaviour is unacceptable, whereas I, being raised with it, tend to end up accepting that this is my lot in life. So I don't want to impose Dad's terrible behaviour on my children, specially not at Christmas time.

My mum and sister expect me to make allowances for Dad all the time, and yet nobody ever thinks about me. So I have to think about myself. My duty is to be a good mum and wife to my children and husband, and my role as daughter or sister are secondary. Everyone in my nuclear family act like I've got no right to whinge which just makes things more and more frustrating. A good example is last Christmas, spent at my Mums with Dad there and my sister, (long story how that one came about), I was peeling spuds and my Dad got involved telling me how wrong my technique was (long family tradition there) and he said "You've done these all wrong, that potato has a spot, X (my sis) would send that back if she was in a restaurant." So - I'm the servant who makes the spuds for my Princess of a sister, and my spud peeling was lax. It very much put me in my place.

Thanks for the link, I will take a look.

I'd say do what YOU need to do for YOU and YOUR family. It's likely that whatever you do, your father and/or your sister will still continue to think of you whatever it is that they want to believe. You can't control how they feel or their decision to play mind games with you. However, you CAN opt out of the game, and it sounds like that is what you are doing. That actually takes alot of courage because there is SO much emphasis in society on "doing the right thing," by your family, putting aside your own needs for them, etc. It's one thing to be caring and generous with family, particularly when they reciprocate or when a family member is having difficult times. It's quite another to do that at too high an emotional cost to yourself.

Let your sister and dad continue to play their games. What's the worst that will happen? They'll gossip about you? Sounds like that already happens. She'll get more out of his will when he dies? That would probably happen anyhow. Just don't play ball, don't be persuaded by the emotional black mail and have a great Christmas with YOUR family.

Thanks Kritiq.

I was going through a long period of not talking to my Dad, about six months or so, maybe longer, and that came to an end after my sister sent lots of emails about forgiving and forgetting, being a good Christian, etc etc. And I know you're not supposed to bear grudges and you're supposed to get on with your family, etc etc. So I wrote to my Dad and we went back to having occasional phone calls. And then he goes and says all that stuff about how he treats my sister so well. I can't tell why he does it... is he testing me, does he want me to say "I wish you treated me like that, with nice meals out all the time" or is he just trying to stick the knife in? I have no idea what motivates him.

So I did the "right thing" according to my sister and ended up feeling worthless and crap. Which I resent cos in my own life I've been on a very even keel for a while now. I've been through counselling and CBT a few years back and remember sobbing my guts out over my parenting and past, but lately I've been a lot more emotionally robust and I fear losing it.

You're right... my Dad will always favour my sister... she came out the favourite one and I was always the other one. And that will never change. It's galling though when your actions are such that you should get some credit, ie I had Dad over for Christmas when my sister never would do that. He doesn't notice, he doesn't remember, he just makes nice excuses for my sister and carries on believing she's the good one and I'm the other one.

I think you can probably accept that your dad and sister are as they are and that you may never understand why. You can also forgive them for treating you in an uncharitable and, one might suggest, unChristian way. But, even if you forgive, it doesn't mean you have to engage with them. You can let them do their thing and you do yours and there is nothing wrong in that.

At Christmas - we didn't go. My mum phoned and had a go at me for not communicating this to Dad (even though he never came out and asked us to come to Christmas, or told us a time to arrive or anything) so I had to phone him and say "We're not coming".

It was my birthday the other day.

So I met him for a meal and found out all about my fantastic, sainted, perfect cousin's three children in New Zealand. They're so perfect, they're all geniuses like my sister, they are good at languages like my sister, my Dad is now set up for Skype so he can chat to them and my cousin (my cousin who looks just like my sister) and her three teenage girls who are all lovely and all look just like my sister. Dad says they are coming to visit this country for a while and he intends to take the three girls out for a slap up feed and lovely day out and lavish money and gifts on them because they all love their uncle and think he's great (er. they think his wallet is great probably).

He NEVER takes my three children out for a day, he never spends money on them, he doesn't know any of their birthdays and barely remembers their names. He can't remember how long I've been married but he remembers down to the day my sister's wedding anniversary. (He paid for her wedding, for us we got a gift of some money about six months later).

Then when he was leaving he asked how my son was doing at school, I told him, he's doing fine and why shouldn't he, he's my son. And Dad said "yes but there's not just your genes to think about." And went on to explain genetics to me (as if I didn't already know) and his implication was I've married a waster and a moron. And that I've watered down the "genius" genes he gave me.

I hate intellectual snobbery, I hate the implication that somehow my son is less worthy of affection and regard because he's average intellectually. (He's not, anway but that's not the point). Everything my Dad values about me is arsey and rubbish and beside the point. Like he bangs on endlessly about a painting I once did when I was in the mood to paint, in 2004, of my cousin and her three children. I did a painting, my cousin's Dad put it in a drawer and forgot about it for ten years, my Dad got it out, framed it and gave it to my cousin (the one in New Zealand). I bet she said thanks and threw it out immediately my Dad left. Those rellies wouldn't micturate on us if we were in a conflagration, and yet Dad is so pathetically grateful for a scrap of attention from any of them.

If I were you I'd keep my distance from your father. I have a father a bit like that in that when we visit he always talks about other people's DC, but never to ours or nicely to ours when on the rare occasion we do visit. He's caused a rift between my DM and me, unfortunately, but it's better for us if we don't see him. I think it's probably better for you, too.

Just to say I feel for you. Really, really glad to hear you stuck to your guns and didn't go to your Dad's for Xmas. I guess the way he behaved on your birthday totally vindicated that decision! He sounds horrible. (My father is horrible too.)

The great thing is that you sound like you have, thankfully, a great deal of self-awareness, and awareness about the situation and the dynamics at play here. Your story about the potato peeling just about sums it all up, really! It's hard to see this stuff, isn't it, but better than being in denial about it all.

I don't see or talk to any of my family as the dynamics there are just too damaging for me; it took me a long time to escape their clutches and the good life I have made for myself now is very precious to me. I don't want to give them any chance at all to piss on it.

But it's never nice to know that your parents can be this crappy to you. I sometimes wonder if I will have any contact with mine again in the future, if there would be a point where I was strong enough to deal with them in a completely different way from in the past. A way that empowered me rather than dragging me back down into the same old crap. Jury's out on that one. That they will change I know, realistically, will never happen.

Good luck, anyway, in your future dealings with them. At least you're aware of how they try and push you into these roles they've assigned for you, and aware of how false and ridiculous they are. (Love the cat image!) Keep putting yourself and your own family first. Not that you need my advice, just offering you a bit of support/validation if you want it!

I hope you've booked that hotel far away from everyone for this coming Christmas, honey - you deserve a good one.

Just a point on the spiritual blackmail about it being "unchristian" to blank your dad. "Forgive and forget" isn't a phrase you'll find in the bible. More sensibly, forgive, and when you think about putting yourself in contact with him, remember what he did to you, and how he could still screw you up again, and don't. Just don't bear a grudge :)

Thank-you all for your messages. I think I will seek a relationship on my own terms, ie I will invite him to see me participating in community events which I do with my family in the summer. And if it works out then good, if he doesn't come well at least I tried and he can't say I haven't made an effort.