What happens if someone turns out to not be what you thought?

[KWL51]

Xh and i were heading for a reconcilliation but I think that may now all be over.
He had a dubious past before we met, two children by two different women and didnt see them but did support them financially. I've never met the other children or mothers, and the 'children' are now into thier twenties.
Our children are almost 15 almost 10 and 5. Over the weekend the eldest asked some questions regarding the age of his eldest half brother, according to xh's dates and what he has always told me the eldest would be around 28 now with the younger about 23. well recently the elder got in touch with xh via fb, and according to his profile he is 24.
Obviosuly this person knows their own date of birth. wrt to ds1 i just told him the age and he went off to bed having had his question answered as far as hes concerned. I then asked xh how could this be right, as that would mean that the two realtionships overlapped? he got quite sharp with me and told me to leave it. I said I cant leave it as im now questioning, why xh would lie all these years. I know he paid as we've had a joint account since we moved in together, and s far as i was aware we'd never had any secrets from each other.

But the way hes got defensive and cagey over this make me feel that he's got something to hide.

I'm not sure if its relevant but we split as we were having a rough time financially and emotionally and I had depression and pushed him away, I wasnt aware that I had depression at the time, just thought everyone was against me and I was a loon basically! (now off ad's after four years of being on them)

I dont know if im being irrational and should just leave it as was before my time, he'd been honest in telling me about the other children (he split with the second woman as she cheated on him with his best friend and caught them together, the first woman was a casual relationship for the grand total of two weeks, or so he says) but i'm now doubting myself and him. I can't cut ties completley as we have children together but am now questioning if everything to do with trust was built on a lie.

Thank you x

Obviously I don't know the man, but it sounds to me like he told you a "version" of what happened in the getting-to-know-each-other phase and then it's always difficult to backtrack.

At this point though, if it important to you to know the full and accurate timeline, then he should be prepared to supply it. Yes, it was a long time ago (etc) but if you don't find out it will always niggle away at you in your head - whether you reconcile or not.
But put it in the context of your whole relationship. Don't condem the man for things that happened before you got together. This is his chance to tell you everything properly before you can move on either together or apart.

Whatever you decide about your relationship as adults in the end, you still have to have a relationship of some sort for the DCs. If there is something nagging at the back of your mind -especially to do with DCS - then ask him to be open and honest. Sit back work out what what you want to know and why, then ask him.

I have asked him, i let him know that im not concerned with what happened way back then, but that it would seem that he is lying now. Tell the truth and the issue is dropped. Telling me to leave it or that you don't remember? shows me you have something to hide.

I don't blame him for stretching the truth, shall we say when we were first together and maybe he thought we wouldnt last the distance so he didn't need to be truthful or maybe he thought that neither child would get in touch as an adult so again he didn't need to tell the whole truth.

My decision to put a holt on the reconciliation is not to do with this issue, it has just made me sit down and think about what it is that is best for the children and ultimatley for me.

Don't get back with him. He's an ex for a reason... and here you probably have another example of what kind of reasons those are!

Getting spikey and telling you to 'leave it', over something so big, so important, something he's obviously lied about? No, sorry. That's totally disrespectful. His business? No, not really. Something he has lied about to you for years = kind of your business too. Or at least, it should be, if he genuinely wanted to reconcile in a spirit of genuine love and commitment.

Let him be a good dad to your kids, and find someone better for yourself!