Am I in the wrong?

[loserface]

Background: ExP was a complete headfuck who also happened to have an obsession with porn. I would find bags full of page 3 pictures he'd saved up, coutless magazines, serious amounts of history of porn on the laptop and would enjoy watching porn before and after sex. Obviously all that has given me a bit of fear over porn.

DP and I have spoken about this, he seemed to understand at first why I had a big problem with it and tended not to look at it apart from the odd time I caught him out. Over the past couple of years I've come a long way to accepting that porn isn't a terrible thing and have managed to watch a couple of videos with DP but its not something I want to do often as I still feel a bit funny with it. Told DP that I didnt mind if he watched it a bit so long as he doesn't take the piss with it or start to replace me with it. We came to a kind of agreement that once or twice a month would be an ok amount.

I know its wrong but I have done a bit of snooping to see how often he is actually using it and have found he is actually using it basically any night that we dont have sex and in the mornings when I refuse to wank him (he likes a wank every morning, I'm always to tired 'cos I hate mornings :(). Caught him with his hands down his pants and his phone in his hand last night and I blew up. I feel like he's totally abused my trust and now he's trying to turn it round on me saying that he asked yesterday and today for sex but I didnt want it so he has to use something.
Sorry to dripfeed but we are also trying to come out of a rocky patch with sex. I've not been wanting much of it as I'm on AD's that have completely got rid of my libido. I have been making more of an effort recently though but he conviently forgets every time we have sex and says we've it had it for weeks.

I feel like crap, I dont know how I'm ever going to get over the whole porn thing if I cant trust what he's saying. Do all men lie when it comes to porn? Am I over reacting?

Sorry if its been a ramble, feels good getting it off my chest though, to embarrassing to talk about in RL.

Taking ADs without getting any 'help from a professional' is no use at all. You have to purge your demons with a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor in order to make room for the new 'good' feelings that will come when you start feeling better.

Needing to watch porn everyday is a serious issue. If he's used it all his life it's probably because he's an inadequate twat and wanking to porn is the lazy option.

The bigger, more gross and nasty thing for me is the fact that he expects you to wank him every morning even when you don't feel like it. He's manipulating you. He makes you feel 'obliged' to wank him off otherwise he'll just go and use more porn, which he knows upsets you.

It sounds like you have very low self esteem and this guys sounds like a huge, selfish prick who doesn't care about your pleasure or feelings.

This man who is meant to care for you demands you wank him every morning? or he'll use porn instead. That is just horrible OP and I can't imagine how low you must feel to think this is normal. What does he think you are? its like he views you as something that is there to serve him. He has already told you he views you like a piece of meat. He meant it.

He is an arse who will drag you further and further down. Please consider getting out of this situation. No good can come of this for your or your DS.

Thanks for the advice. I seriously dont know what to do though, the only place I could go is my mums and she is toxic so I try to keep my distance with her.

I'm scared about leaving, I'm not a very independant person and I dont have many friends. I dont think I could cope and would just end up being lonely and depressed :( Feel like I'm stuck tbh.

"Even if I did try and find a job I cant imagine anyone wanting to employ me 'cos I've got nothing going for me. I'm not putting myself down its just true, 3 passing GCSE's to my name and a bit of call centre work, thats it. How would I be able to support DS with that?"

That defeatist attitude in your first sentence also made you easy prey to attract preditors like your current man and ex to use and abuse. Your toxic mother too also did her own damage on you and conditioned you further to such abuse.

This man and your ex who both sound horribly alike have run you and your self worth into the ground and you are in a hole. But you can and should dig your way out. There is help out there for you; you need to take the first and hardest step to access it. Use the Citizens advice bureau, use the entitled to website re benefits, go back to college, talk to Womens Aid. All of that can help you get out. You can and should do these things because your man is more than happy to drag you and your son down with him. This bloke you're with also called you a piece of meat; how degrading. Such abusers do not change.

This person you are currently residing with is no ideal role model for your son is he?. You want your son to potentially end up like this current porn addicted bloke you're with?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you both teaching your son?.

And just because you're no longer with a man who is 95% awful, doesn't mean that this current one, who might "only" be 90% bad, is a good deal! Both scenarios sound intolerable.

You're not happy now 'though, and you feel like you're stuck and have nothing going for you. This is not because it's true, it's because your self-worth has been battered by your ex and your present guy, and possibly you didn't have much to start with because of a toxic upbringing. You have more potential and strength than you know.

Why not start some counselling to start building yourself up? You're in a place where you see yourself so negatively - you're not independent, etc etc - well, it doesn't have to feel like this.

Also, look for a part-time job or a course. Even something quite low status to begin with, like cleaning (or your call centre work) - I favour cleaning cos it's physical (which is good for low mood) and you can see results (which is satisfying). Anything that will get you seeing people to chat to and that you can throw yourself into - you'll remind yourself you can do a job well and you'll get to know people.

There's more to life than this.

I dont think I could cope and would just end up being lonely and depressed

Aren't you already lonely and depressed in this relationship? There's a chance that the loneliness and depression can be cured outside your relationship. But it'll just be more of the same if you stay inside it.