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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

confused, need some honest (but friendly advice)

20 replies

IneedAbetterNickname · 08/10/2011 20:50

OK, not sure where to start really, so guess a brief (I hope) history. I am 27, and have 2 DSs, aged 7 and almost 5. Me and DP met when I was 16 and he was 21. When DS2 was about 1 year old, I started suffering with depression. However, due to comments, mostly from his family, I found it impossible to admit to, and the depression got worse and worse.

Then almost 2 years ago, DP left me. I went to the GP, went on meds and am still having counselling to get myself better. 6 weeks after we split, DP told me he was seeing someone else, he introduced her to the boys about 1 week later, and within 6 months of us splitting he was living with her. Then about 6 months ago, him and her split up, then in August we decided to give things 'another go' but are taking things slowly and not moving in together yet. I still love him, always have and think I always will, BUT, I'm not sure that things will ever work between us.

For example, he works 1pm-7pm 5 days a week in a supermarket, yet seems to expect me to let him sleep in until lunchtime on the odd occasion he sleeps over. When I try and explain that I never get a lay in, his answer is 'in an ideal world, we could both have a lay in 2 or 3 times a week'. OK fine, but surely then mine have to be on the mornings he is here?

At the moment he is signed off work with a bad back, and as I was doing a car boot sale today to try and raise some extra cash, asked him if he could look after boys while I was out. He did, but then spent all afternoon moaning that he is off work ill, yet had to look after the children all morning. Again I tried to explain that when I am sick, I still have to look after the children, as thats what being a parent is all about. His reply was 'yea but I have been signed off for a week by the GP'. I'm sure if the GP could sign me off from my job as mum, she would have when I've been really ill.

Hopefully this is coming across how I want it to, I'm not saying I don't want to be with my children, even when I am ill, as that is part of being a parent. But, I just feel like our relationship is totally unequal, and it feels like I am still a single parent. Like I said, I love him so much, but don't know if I can spend the rest if my life feeling like I have to do everything.

OP posts:

buzzskeleton · 08/10/2011 20:59

He ought to be working hard to prove he loves you and wants to make it work between you, having run out on you and the dc ... yet he expects you to do all the childcare (and housework, right?) in return for what, his glorious cock?

He's no good.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/10/2011 21:01

You are right, it won't work out as he doesn't want to look after his kids and isn't bothered about your well being. Sorry.

solidgoldbrass · 08/10/2011 21:05

Get rid of this cocklodger. The only reason he wants to 'make a go of it' is to have someone to cook his meals and wash his shitty pants, and he thinks that he can convince you that this a fair price to pay for the privilege of.... Not Being Single. He'll be off again as soon as he finds another woman he thinks he can convince that she exists only to indulge his every whim.

Original poster

IneedAbetterNickname · 08/10/2011 21:05

Thanks. Thats what I'm thinking too, but the DC have just got used to the fact that we are back together, I'm scared of messing them around again.

OP posts:

Geordieminx · 08/10/2011 21:06

Cock lodger.

That is all.

buzzskeleton · 08/10/2011 21:11

Better now than after he moves back in.

He doesn't care enough to give you a lie in even once a week when it's two months into supposedly trying to make a new start together. He moans about looking after his own dc. This is his best game, this is the maximum effort he is prepared to give!

Fgs, don't accept this.

solidgoldbrass · 08/10/2011 21:19

Tell the DC that daddy is one of those people who are not very good at being a daddy and though they will see him sometimes, he can't live in the house as he can't behave himself properly.
Because men this selfish, sexist and entitled quite often progress to verbal and sometimes physical abuse in order to get their own way.

nothaunted · 08/10/2011 21:23

Ok you are not living together again yet, you are feeling less depressed and I sense you want it to work. You really don't want this kind of behaviour so early on. What was his arrangement re seeing the DCs when you were separated? You need at least to stick to that ie he does what he used to do (am hoping he at least did something). Don't go out of your way to be a wife to him as yet. He is at best your BF. If you can go out one evening and feel strong enough to consider that he might walk, set out some boundaries for yourself and rules for him in your house. So no sleeping in or he allows you one day and you him. He takes DCs out and is responsible for them on one day of the weekend. Don't complain about what you are doing, just tell him straight what you expect re shared responsibility of the DCs. He will either walk, agree, moan or ignore. Then you can take it from there.

Original poster

IneedAbetterNickname · 08/10/2011 21:40

He had DCs most Sundays when we were separated, if anything he is more relaiable now than he was then, and I rarely spend Sundays with them, as I think it is important they have time together, and I get time to myself. I'm not being a wife to him yet, he doesnt bring his washing round, although I do cook for him 3 or 4 nights a week.

thanks nothaunted I will try that, I am also looking into relationship counselling as I think it might help, gotto be worth a try at least. :)

OP posts:

nothaunted · 08/10/2011 22:11

It may be that you have idealised the way a relationship ought to work in the time he was away. There are some very good men out there who willing do half the work and understand without asking what needs to be done to bring up children. Others can learn, others can't and others are damned right awful because they don't even feel they should try.
Keep him on the Sunday thing - perfect - it means it will last whatever happens as he will be used to it. If OW didn't have DCs then he is on a sharp learning curve re what is required ... he could probably just slink under duvet when he was with her. Gradually add to his responsibilities as you go along and see what happens. Seeing as you were apart for so long, this is a new relationship in a way. I would steer clear of relationship counselling for a while yet. I don't think his behaviour is good, but you've both missed out a huge chunk of life as a family so take your time.

Original poster

IneedAbetterNickname · 08/10/2011 22:19

Thanks again. Just had big bust up with him on the phone, because I asked him to drop some boxes off at my Mums, he lives near her, and I don't drive, but apparently that makes him feel used!?

The OW didnt have DC, but was OCD, therefore he expects my house to be as perfectly spotlessly clean as hers was, and apparently she let him sleep in whenever he wanted, which is imo is fine when there are njo children to be got up, washed and fed etc etc.

OP posts:

buzzskeleton · 08/10/2011 22:23

He resents doing you a small favour?

He's a real prize.

What is good about him? I know you love him, but objectively, what does he bring you?

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 22:27

Get rid of him and make it permanent this time

he can still be the dc's father, without this pretence at being a partner

he brings nothing to your life apart from occasional childcare, and he resents even that

You can do better than this unequal relationship, you know you can

It is only a matter of time before he sees some other bint he fancies and he will be off because he just hasn't worked hard enough to show that he wants you as opposed to an easy fall (because OW didn't work out)

You did it before, do it again, but mean it this time

madonnawhore · 08/10/2011 22:34

Everything you've said about him makes him sound like a useless bellend.

I think this is one of those situations where you would definitely be better off without him.

ImperialBlether · 09/10/2011 00:02

God he is absolutely awful!

Cocklodger is the only word for him.

solidgoldbrass · 09/10/2011 00:27

Look, he's only trying to get back with you because the OW binned him. Presumably she saw through the charm to the lazy selfish cocklodger underneath. Now he thinks he can come back to you for domestic service, the chance to wank on about what a great dad he is, and a shag if he fancies it. And if you let him do it this time, he will disappear with other women again and expect to come 'home' again every time.

ShroudOfHamsters · 09/10/2011 09:57

Cocklodger, gradually working his feet back under the table.

Get rid. Better now and make it permanent than in a year's time when he's sure of his nest and starts playing away again.

He'll be a better dad when there are boundaries up and agreed access/childcare times in place, and the kids will know where they stand at home.

You can do lots better!

clam · 09/10/2011 10:27

He feels used? HE does??!!
And just how would he justify his treatment of you?

Twat.

fluffythevampirestabber · 09/10/2011 11:02

Everything SGB said

Alouiseg · 09/10/2011 11:09

He must be bloody amazing at something for you to be putting up with this dire treatment? No! Thought not.

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