Sim card readers..anyone any experience?

[JosStarship]

Hello,
Firstly, sorry for only popping in here when I'm after something....but you are an absolute godsend :)
I posted a few weeks back about my OH who had been massively and i mean massively!! texting OW. Cut a long story very short he denies having a Physical affair but agrees that he has had an EA. He says he loves me and that he has been very stupid and got carried away with the ego stroking that the OW provided and that he'll do anything to get us back on track - We have jointly decided to go for counselling and have been to relate for our introductory session, which went reasonably well.
The thing is all the texts were (obviously) deleted before I got to see them and its eating me up inside...I can't seem to stop picking at it...I am reading the book "Just not friends" by Shirley Glass which is very helpful..but still.....I can't let it go..I NEED to know what was being said.

So has anyone used/bought one of these sim card readers for restoring deleted texts....do they work? are they worth the money? Should I even be thinking of doing this...Help Please...

Thank You xx

Yes it is a head fuck..that sums it up perfectly. Your post is very positive I hope Relate works for us. I want/need it to to terribly..I can't imagine my life without H in it.

I think you can move on from this, but only if he's honest with himself.

You've identified an obvious mismatch between what he says and what he did.
He says he asked her to stop texting quite so much, but his bill shows that he was texting her just as much as before. The bills can't lie, can they?

He might want to believe that he would have pulled up short, but that's possibly a delusion. Sometimes if you want someone else to believe something enough, you end up believing it yourself.

He does actually know the direction this was heading and he does know the content of his texts. Maybe not the detail, but the overall impression they were giving. Aside from all the other work he will have to do to analyse why he allowed what he did, he needs to be much more honest with himself and in turn with you, if progress is to be made here.

Perhaps think about whether you would be prepared to stay with him and sort this out, if you found out he would have had sex with her, given the opportunity. If the answer to that is yes, because of all the regret he is showing and the work he is doing, then tell him that. He might be thinking that you wouldn't be able to forgive even intent, let alone the deed itself.

I'm not sure how honest he is being, to be honest :). I hear alot of noise when I try to discuss why he did what he did but none of it, when I look back at the conversation, means anything of any significance. I pulled him up on this last night and he says its because he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he has already - understandable I suppose but I just want to hear SOMETHING - does this make sense or is it me picking at that broken heart scab again? :( I don't trust my judgements anymore and I don't know whats fair to expect from him.
Sorry I can't seem to let this thread go...I have very few people around me to being able to talk this through with, even the process of typing it out is helpful.

It is very difficult for cheaters to confront their own weaknesses and that was why we found counselling very helpful as it provided a safe environment for him to really look at himself, his behaviour and how he allowed himself to have an affair. I remember writing down all the things my H did just before and during the affair and showing the list to him - seeing all those things written down shocked my H and made him think really hard.

As for him saying he does not want to cause further pain to you - I think its probably that he does not want to face the pain he has caused. Yes, it can be painful for the betrayed party but I think its much healthier and less soul destroying than not knowing why he did those things. Until you both understand why, moving on will be hard and there is a chance that not addressing the vulnerabilities in himself as well as in the marriage means he may be tempted to cheat again.

Would it help to agree on having some time to yourselves say for a couple of hours each week and you are then allowed to discuss the affair, ask questions, agree on resolutions/boundaries etc. If your H is truely committed to helping the marriage recover then he needs to understand that he has to make every effort.

Yes, it can be painful for the betrayed party but I think its much healthier and less soul destroying than not knowing why he did those things. Thats exactly what I said to H last night.. He doesn't seem to GET this and I'm not sure if thats deliberate IYKWIM.
At the moment we are avoiding it and life is just carrying on as before. I really think he thinks its just going to go away if we ignore it and I don't and can't think like that about it. Apart from anything else I need to know why it happened to stop something like this happening again -surely this is common sense?? why can't he see that? :(

Will he read Not Just Friends? There is a good website called Beyond Affairs and there are some good articles on there including this one which may help your H understand what you are trying to tell him:

www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/need_to_know.htm

I hope you don't mind but I read your other thread. I'm sorry to say that like everyone else on that thread, I think this went further than an EA . There were many opportunities and unexplained absences, plus this seemed to have been going on for some months.

I think that's why he won't say anything specific, because any detail will catch him out.

For some reason too, I think us posters here didn't realise this all imploded only a few weeks ago, so it's understandable that you're still feeling as you do.

I don't know how you get a liar to 'fess up and tell the truth if he knows you can't prove it. Perhaps threaten to speak to the woman's husband and show him the phone bills? Perhaps say you're going to meet the OW to speak to her?

Maybe that's pointless though, because I really do think he is lying to you and it sounds to me as though you're desperate to think he isn't. I think there's a reason you're picking at the scab though - it's because deep down, you just don't believe him and nothing adds up.

For me, that would be enough I'm afraid. If I didn't believe someone and thought they were trying to have me over, I'd just have to put some space between us and would only be prepared to try again if the whole story made sense.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, I do feel for you