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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just came home from first date, had a lovely time, why am I crying?

30 replies

humptydidit · 07/10/2011 23:21

After 10 long years with abusive exH, and now almost a year later I had a date.

I met him through a mutual friend and after hours and hours on the phone met up tonight.

I had such a lovely time and he just left, but now I am sitting here crying...

WTF is wrong with me? I guess this is the final part of the puzzle slotting into place showing me how wrong my past relationship was????

Or am I going mad?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 07/10/2011 23:23

Let the tears flow... it's good for you.

Relief
Release of stress
Acceptance

southeastastra · 07/10/2011 23:24

aw it sounds nice

Original poster
humptydidit · 07/10/2011 23:30

thanks ladies, you've started me off again.

I know it sounds corny, but it really feels like the last part of that old doormat me is gone.

And the best part is that I know that if I rang him and told him how I felt, he would rush straight over here because it would hurt him thatI was sad and that's such a nice feeling, that somebody really cares about you.

I am so glad that I walked out on my old life... I know for definate, 100% certain now that even if this doesn't work out, that my future is bright Smile

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 07/10/2011 23:35

Well, you brought a tear to my eye

All the best to you x

Original poster
humptydidit · 07/10/2011 23:37

aww, thanks anyfucker

x

OP posts:
LittleHouseofHorror · 07/10/2011 23:41

hey humpty you are not going mad. I think chipping put her finger on it neatly.

I have been seeing a man who is so straightforward and nice I keep pinching myself, and he actually likes me too. This after 28 years with a mind bender.

It feels miraculous and I keep a. looking for the catch and b. expecting him to realise what a mess I am and run away. But he just goes on being lovely. Who knew there could be people like that out there?

Enjoy!

AnyCorpseFucker · 07/10/2011 23:41

There are people like that out there !

beatenbyayellowskull · 08/10/2011 19:24

humpty that's just lovely, glad the future's bright! Smile

Karmann · 08/10/2011 19:32

You've reached the end of the tunnel and are now out into the light, and a new, bright, future. All the best.

CheerfulSingsOut · 08/10/2011 19:41

Snap to everything already said here. Same situation for me, same reaction. I've spend the past 10 years or so in a series of dysfunctional relationships and am now seeing someone who has their shit together and treats me really well.
It's quite scary and moving both at once :(

Original poster
humptydidit · 08/10/2011 22:53

oh no cheerful should be a Smile not a Sad!!!

You're right it is very moving, but also just lovely.

Keeping my fingers crossed for all of us!
x

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 23:05

me too x

madonnawhore · 08/10/2011 23:09

I had exactly the same reaction after my first lovely date after splitting with my EA ex last year.

It's weird. Definitely a 'thank god' kind of feeling. The relief that there was someone nice out there was overwhelming.

Jellykat · 08/10/2011 23:22

Oh humpty that's so lovely to hear! Smile

Now the rest of your life can truly begin x

garlicScaresVampires · 09/10/2011 00:16

You've made me feel all soppy :) :)

What chipping said, yes.

Awwww!

HoneyMomster · 09/10/2011 00:22

That is lovely Humpty.

there are nice caring people out there Smile

twoteens · 09/10/2011 01:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 09/10/2011 01:44

There are lots of lovely people in the world. And no matter what happens with this particular man, you are a lovely person too and if anyone acts as though you are not, bin them.

ChippingIn · 09/10/2011 02:58

How are you feeling now Humptydidit? Have you made any plans to see him again?

Original poster
humptydidit · 09/10/2011 07:58

solidgold that's exactly it, it's not about him in particular, it's more a feeling that my life is soooo on the up now!!! and to be honest, even if I stayed single for ages, at least I know that's not because there's anything wrong with me iyswim.

I had my last meeting with my DV support worker last week and she was just lovely. She said she couldn't believe how far I had come and how much I had changed. That was lovely to hear but the sad part is that I don't feel like I have changed, more that the old me is back again now and the part that was squashed down under all the shit has come back to the forefront and that just feels amazing!

WRT new man, he text me when he got home friday night to say he had a lovely time and we have arranged to meet up again next saturday if not before... He is a bit nervous too, so just taking it nice and slow.

A friend of mine asked me if we had sex and seemed a bit disappoinuted when I said no, I got a huge massive hug and kiss whcih all felt so much more personal and real than a quick shag!

Fingers crossed xx

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 09/10/2011 08:06

Humpty, it's great to see that there is life after.
I hope to find someone kind and caring in the future, certainly not ready to do so yet though.

I had my first girls night out in years last night.
I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being disloyal going out without xh.

It's mad what our brains have us thinking.
It's a shame xh didn't have any of those feelings, maybe he wouldn't gone off with someone else if he had.

Original poster
humptydidit · 09/10/2011 08:14

childof sorry I don't know your story, but for me anyway, all those feelings fade and then you realise that you haven't even thought about the bastard for a few days and that he can't hurt you anymore.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to heal... Everyday since you finished with yr xh is a day closer to you being happy.

xx

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 09/10/2011 08:23

It's only been just over 5 weeks since the confession and xh leaving.
28 years together and he didn't have enough respect to tell me his feelings for me had changed.

I get what you're saying about each day being a step closer to happiness.
I know that there will be happiness in my future but I do get stuck in thinking about all the happy times xh and I had.

Then I get to thinking that he's got a future already, replacement 'wife' and child and I'm left with parenting our child 24/7 and single.

Original poster
humptydidit · 09/10/2011 09:17

oh childof I know it's probably not much help to you, but you will get there. It's taken me a year to get to this point.

5 weeks is such early days, just take baby steps and you will get there. I'm not going to lie to you and say you'll feel better next week, although you will feel a little bit better.

It's such a horrible thing to go through, for me it almost felt like mourning, mourning for the good times and mourning for the happy life I was supposed to have had Sad

Maybe he has got a "replacement" family already, but they are welcome to him. He walked away from his real family and left you to pick up the pieces, which doesn't say much about him at all.

Stick with it. Maybe see if you can find somebody to talk to about it, or at least go on here and look for other threads about the same thing, it really helps to feel like you're not the only one who was that stupid to get into that situation. Although of course you weren't stupid. It was him.

Be kind to yourself and take care xxxx

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 09/10/2011 13:21

Thank you for your kind words.

I do know that it'll get better/easier in time and that I need to feel these emotions to get over it, I just wish I could fast forward to the easy times now.

I'm finding MN the best resource.
My friends are all very supportive but don't quite 'get' the situation and want me to be angry and spitting feathers all the while.
Whilst I do get angry moments mostly I'm just very sad and want to move away from recriminations and demands that it shouldn't have happened.
It did happen and I will make the best of the new opportunities life has thrown in my direction.

I'm finding positives each day to be gratefull for and find that doing that is getting me through.

I've much less laundry to do, finally have a tidy house and a calm 5 yrs old DD.
DD even said today that she liked her life more since daddy moved out because he's not grumpy anymore and I'm not worried all the time.
Out of the mouths of babes!