Thinking about leaving - perspective please

[MakingMyMindUp]

God my head is a mess and I just don't seem to be able to figure which way is up.

In short I don't think I love my DH anymore. I don't hate him, or even dislike him. For the most part we rub along OK. Sometimes better than OK, sometimes worse. But I am just not happy. I have been happy in the past and part of my unhappiness stems from feeling like this might be it for the rest of my life.

If we didn't have DC's I would leave. Deep down I know that. But how can I leave and wreck their lives just because mine isn't a bed of roses? Am I being hideously selfish for thinking it? Please tell me if I just need to pull myself together.

I look at couples that love each other and really enjoy their time together and I feel so sad that I no longer have that.

I don't really know what I am looking for. I just feel so bloody

OP - this stood out to me:
"When I can pin point something, like for example - he has a habit of ridiculing me to get a laugh, he accuses me of attacking his character and saying that I want to completely change him which I suppose is true. And unfair of me."

Is this something he does a lot? Does he do it in front of other people? If it upsets you and you tell him how it makes you feel how does he react? In that instance would he accuse you of attacking him? If so, it sounds like abusive behaviour to me.

How is he generally if you tell him how you feel about something? Does he acknowledge what you're talking about or does he turn it round so you end up being blamed for something and having your feelings ignored?

sorry! Welshness slipping out. Cuddle

malinkey he only ever does it in front of other people. He has a pretty harsh sense of humour and sees it as an extension of that. If I pull him up on it his reaction varies: sometimes very apologetic sometimes he says that is the way he is and I am attacking his character.

He does listen (sometimes but not all the time) to how I feel and often seems genuinely remorseful that he has upset me, especially if we've had time to calm down. Othertimes he seems like he couldn't care less.

If it's any consolation, you're certainly not identifiable to me!

As for the drip feeding, I think in matters such as relationships this is understandable given that it may take some time to work up to the point of posting and that an OP may prefer to 'dip their toe in the water', so to speak, and wait to see whether the responses they receive are sympathetic or encouraging before revealing more intimate or personal information - in that respect, it's no different to a conversation with an untried friend/acquaintance.

In your case, it's clear to see the likely cause of your current feelings and I'm guessing that your previous unsatisfactory experience of counselling was linked either to your dh's 'emotional infidelity' or the premature loss of your baby. I hope to write more fully on these matters later.

In the meantime, when you feel that your dh speaks to you in a way that you don't like, instead of saying "I'm don't like the way you spoke to me then" change your words to 'I feel sad about the way you spoke to me because it made me feel unloved/unappreciated/disrespected'... use the word that most approximates how your dh's words made you feel.

Don't say it in an accusatory way, make it a statement of fact, wait to see what response he makes, and resist the temptation to raise your voice/ chuck in everything including the kitchen sink i.e. 'you always say/do or that's typical of you' etc etc.

The key to good communication is to let others know how we are feeling and how they make us feel - especially when they make us feel good about ourselves.

I'm thinking that maybe this board needs a thread along the lines of how to move the good ship marriage out of the doldrums and into waters where it will bob and bounce around the ocean of life happily again.

Thanks for that Izzy I do need to work on my tone during communication. I tend to bottle things up until I am angry and then it all comes out in a very accusatory manner. I can understand in those circumstances why he gets defensive.

I suppose the bottom line is that I spent years with a man who I thought I meant the world to, who would have done anything for me and loved me more than anything and he doesn't exist. I am actually married to a man who was prepared to humiliate me in front of a woman whom I thought was my friend, for the thrill of cheap porn. Whichever way I look at it it leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

After I found out about the affair, H had some counselling but I don't think he got much out of it. Later after I lost our baby I had counselling. H's infidelity was also discussed. I saw two differerent counsellors at different periods over the course of 18mths. There was nothing wrong with either experience, I just didn't find them particularly helpful.