How do I meet men?

[salt]

Hi everyone,

I could do with some advice, I'd really like to meet someone new but I have a few problems...

1. I don't get out much
2. I find it difficult to approach men I find attractive
3. Most of my friends are male so 9 time out of 10 if I go out I go with a man or a group of men - I'm guessing other men assume I am 'with' them/one of them.
4. All my female friends are attached and when I go out 'with the girls' I NEVER get chatted up.

So how do I meet men? none of my friends have friends they can set me up with and I really don't want to try personal adds.

I don't think there's anything glaringly obvious that would put men off. Ok, I'm not a stunner but I'm not ugly either. I have loads of male friends and find male company easier than female company but I still can't meet any potential partners....

ANY suggestions will be gratefully received.

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Are you a man magnet then?!?!?

dunno, don't want to be 'The ugly mate'

how's tricks Twinkie - good weekend?

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I would think you have a great advantage with so many male friends. Can't they introduce you to any of their exciting mates?
A lot of my friends have had quite a lot of success on the interet actually. One of my best friends now have a daughter and has married a guy she met on a dating-site on the net. At least it can get you some dates....

Thanks Fairymum, unfortunately none of my male friends have 'suitable' friends. They are either nice looking but a little unsavoury, into things I'm not or are complete oddballs.

I've thought about the internet but am a little hesitant, don't know why but I'm not sure I'd have the guts to go and meet a man I'd met on a website. The other problem is that I only have internet access at work and a lot of the dating sites are barred.

go to pubs, clubs on your own or dont you feel comfortable doing that

What do you enjoy doing? Do it! That's the best advice I can think of - so if you like running, join a running club (loads and loads of fit men there - know someone who met their men at one - not my bag, but...) Sport of all kinds is good, (rock climbing excellent!) or volunteer to clear a ditch or learn cookery or whatever. At least if you go for something that really appeals you will know you will have at least one thing in common. I know a single mum who met a great man via the Times personal ads and is now married to him. Internet dating can be good, I hear (also know someone marrying someone they met that way). I think being proactive like this can work fantastically well.
Otherwise, don't lock yourself away, get out more (the love of your life won't pop round while you are watching EastEnders, and be open to meeting people in new ways. I met a man I ended up happily living with when I was looking for an interim place to live between selling and buying a flat and answered an ad on the work noticeboard - went out for a drink and hey presto! Met another lovely boyfriend in the queue at my local sandwich shop! Met my first serious love at a work-related party and met my dh on a work trip abroad. The only thing they all had in common is that I was on my own every time alone, and I think that's key. It's a rare man that approaches a women in a group IME. Try to find some things you feel comfortable doing on your own, be open-minded about first impressions and I'm sure you will meet someone.

A second thought on personal ads: I DID try them a couple of times, (Guardian Soulmates) and whereas I didn't meet anyone I started a relationship with, they were all nice normal, interesting and average-good looking men,in the same 'not finding dates in the circles I mix with' situation. HOWEVER, the big effect for me was that it put me in a different frame of mind. My 'Up for it'attitude got a bit of a workout, I started to look at myself from the point of view of single eligible men, and polish up my 'trapping' gear! Each time I tried the ads (mainly for fun, in fact the first time was as a sort of dare), I met someone VERY interesting in 'real life' shortly afterwards!

Thanks for those ideas, I try and get out as much as possible but have a problem here because I don't like to ask my parents to babysit too often and feel I see too little of dd as it is. On top of this when I can get out I feel obliged to see those friends that I've been meaning to go out with for ages but haven't got round to.

I'd love to join a drama group, or gym or an evening class but again it comes down to child care. I can't afford babysitters and don't like to ask my parents regularly.

Why can't they just issue badges when you go into Tesco - I'm Single or I'm attached?!?

I have this guy chasing me at the min, he's gorgeous but I know he has a girlfriend so am steering clear.

Yep, steer clear. Been there, done that. Ends in tears.

I'll have a think about your childcare problems; also, I'm sure good friends will understand if you explain that what free time you do get is being spent finding a bloke at the moment!

Depends where you live but my best friend joined a dating agency. It was expensive over £250 but as she put it, it was an investment in her future. I personally wouldn't join the date-line type ones, this was a local agency which specialised in 'Professionals'. She was worried she would n't be quite 'professional' enough, buas a single mum she didn't seem to meet anyone genuine or nice. 2 months after joining (and meeting 4 nice guys and getting good dinners paid for!) she met a great guy. 5 months later he has virtually moved in and is planning to buy them all a house!!!

I think a small localise agency could be good and at least you would know the guys are vetted and probably know about your kids.

Salt, do you know any other parents you could set up a babysitting circle with? Could you arrange one if not? Then you all babysit for each other and it doesn't cost you anything. I'm trying to think where I've met the men in my life so here's a selection:

Work (very often)
Pub (sometimes, it's where I met dp)
Internet (after giving people thorough grillings and following all usual precautions)
A drunken wrong number (he called my hotel room accidentally, we were in different countries but lived within 5 mins of each other in London - weird huh? I wouldn't recommend this one but it did happen and led to a brief dalliance. I think the thing is to be very open to a relationship which does mean talking to everyone you come across!)
Some supermarkets used to have singles nights, don't know if they still do though
A Book club?
Are you sure there's no-one in your circle of male friends? (agree, avoid anyone attached)

Salt

I can honestly say that dating via a lonely hearts column, a dating agency or the internet is not easy but compared to going out and finding a partner in the local club or pub it is a lot easier.

I met my X2B through a local heartlines advert and my last g/f through the internet, so it is possible to do so but you just have to be sensible and safe.

Salt, I am really interested that you have so many male friends but don't fancy any of them. I have wondered if that was the difficulty for me. The converse side of this is that, unlike you, I find it very easy to approach men I find attractive, but it usually turns out they are already attached! So, don't worry that it is your fault for not approaching men all the time! All my male friends these days are married or gay, but I still fancy some of them (but don't want to go after someone who is attached). I spent about 2 years trying out various ads and agencies and it made me really depressed as the men were all rather weird and not anyone I would ever have been friends with. I don't know what the answer is. Like you, when I go out I want to see friends that I have been too busy to see, or spend time with ds. I read a very good article in Oprah magazine earlier this year, saying that the whole dating scene as a predatory hunt is wrong, and instead you should try to do the activities you like and find fulfilling, where you will meet likeminded people. The article was against The Rules kind of attitude, saying that if you get a partner by pretending to be something you are not, it is going to backfire, and instead you should be finding someone through being who you really are and doing the things you really do in your life. I also got a book "Get a Life, then Get a Man" which also advocates this, but is also a bit ruthless about going out in bars and chatting men up (I cannot bring myself to do this yet). Unfortunately, you very rarely see single men doing family weekend activities, although in theory I suppose a fantastic single man might be at the other end of a family friendly restaurant and your naughty toddler might attract his attention (!) or he might see you as you go to your swimming lesson in the children's pool (!) or he might for some reason be in the same supermarket queue with his basket as you push your huge trolley full of a week's family food (!). The results are that I have been much much happier, doing more things I enjoy with ds and alone for self-development and personal interest. I have also seen more of my good friends. The strange outcome is that various friends (whom I have been seeing more of) have started searching for friends who would be suitable for me. No luck yet, but I certainly feel that expanding your social circle towards people you really like and have common interests with is a better way forward than looking for a needle in a haystack with personal ads. It is really sad, though, when friends start to say, "I know the perfect guy for you - but he is married now. I'll let you know when they get divorced!"

Cheers guys, your responses are great.

SimonHoward - couldn't help but smirk (in the nicest possible way) that the lady you met through an add is now your x2b.

I do have my friends on the case and it's not that I'm desperate to meet a man, I'm quite happy on my own. It would just be nice.

OutOfPractice - think I'll start shopping daily instead of weekly and will get a baskets worth instead of a trolleys worth - 1 potato, a small can of beans, soup-for-one. :0

On a more serious note though I do fancy a couple of my male friends but mostly (these days) they're attached and I couldn't tell them.

I keep my eye out at the weekend but it's so hard to tell if the men are 'weekend' dads or have just taken the kids off the wifes hands for a few hours.

If you get on so well with men, you might give out 'mate' rather than 'date' vibes, possibly? I do think you have to be out there to meet someone and if it's not possible via work then ads and internet dating would at least increase your pool so to speak.

If you get on so well with men, you might give out 'mate' rather than 'date' vibes, possibly? I do think you have to be out there to meet someone and if it's not possible via work then ads and internet dating would at least increase your pool so to speak.

I met dp through an ad. What was nice was knowing that he was up for a relationship - with friends I always had that feeling of not being sure they wanted the same as I did. But what was weird was that neither of us was desperate for a relationship.

He placed the ad cos he felt he wasn't meeting enough new people as all his friendship groups, work, leisure etc. were well established (and he was happy with them). I replied out of idle curiosity, and because his ad was so perfect for me.

It was the only ad he ever wrote, his was the only ad I ever replied to and I was his only response - so we were just v lucky, but I always recommend it.

fisil thats so sweet, like fate had a hand in it

salt I agree with the others, do things you're interested in and you will meet like minded people. Don't go after your 'friends', that never works IME! You sound lovely anyway so mr wright might be just around the corner.....

Salt ... my sister had a friend for years that she didn't fancy ... they have now got a 14 month old daughter and are getting married ... she is the happiest she has ever been in her entire life and she can't believe she didn't fancy him ....

Warning about dating agencies. Especially the small local kind. My mother got SERIOUSLY ripped off by one of them (it was found out later that the owner was a known con-artist, but by then it was too late). If you're going to go the dating agency route then I would strongly recommend some serious research, preferably recommendation by someone you know and trust, and even better a national well-known one that has some sort of track record.

Just a quick note to say thanks for all these ideas, think I'm going to try and find the time and money to pick up a few hobbies that I let go after having dd.

Following on from this, when do you tell someone you have a child? straight away? before you kiss? before you go to bed? I think I probably just drop it in to conversation but don't want to seem like that's all I have to talk about!

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Salt - I'd certianly mention your child early on, it'll become too big an issue if you put it off. And why should you, any bloke worth considering should be ok about it. Copped off with an obstetrician once, couldn't really avoid knowing what he did

And I'd echo what Ghosty said - I knew my present boyfriend for about 4 years (used to be his boss ) before saw him through new eyes.

Perhaps go on Would Like to Meet then we can all go 'aahhh' at the end

Good luck, it's very difficult I know just don't send out panic waves.

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