what to do?

[florriedorrie]

I'll keep this short and as brief as poss:- DH and I been together for nearly 30 years and married for nearly 20 with 3 dcs. I go through periods of being ok'ish and then plunge into feelings that I am extremely unhappy. He's a good dh in that he has always worked hard, doesn't go out drinking and has always been faithful. He always shows he's interested (sexually) but ....
he has never spent much time with our dcs. He comes home from work, eats his dinner, lays on the settee and dozes for a while and then goes straight on his computer games. He stays there until late in the evening, while I've got the kids to bed etc. etc., and sit and watch a bit of tv on my own. At around 10 pm he asks if I want to watch something on tv with him. Last night I just went to bed at about 9 pm.

The kids often say that he does nothing with them, and makes it obvious that he wants time on his own. I know he loves them in his own way, but has become a very, very lazy dad. I have broached this with him and things picked up for a week and then he reverted to his normal self. It is up to me to drop them off and pick them up from every club they attend (he wouldn't dream of this and would say "I've been at work all day").

Once a week he wants his husbandly rights and I absolutely feel nothing but repulsion. I've felt like this for about 15 years and guess it's just been brushed under the carpet. I'm a SAHM and this is my life. My youngest is too young for me to get back to work properly, although I'm looking into this.

If I had somewhere else to go and money of my own I think it'd be a no-brainer, but I am completely reliant on him and with no job. I don't want to upset the kids as they're my life but I dream of being with someone I love completely, although I don't go out socially and have never been unfaithful.

I suppose counselling will be mentioned but I'm worried that if I start opening up I shall literally spill my heart out on the floor.

When his husbandly rights are out of the way, we got on ok - chatting etc., although he is very domineering and likes to have his own way. I am often crying, although I try not to because of the kids, but he has a very abrupt and sarcastic way of speaking and I suppose my emotions are very near the surface.

Thanks for reading.

well that is why you really do need to go to counselling - you need to get this all out and have a third party there to help you decide what YOU want to do about this.

got o GP and get referred for nhs cousnelling.

Could you have counselling on your own? It sounds as though you don't want to stay but your responsibility to your dc is stopping you?

Can you look for part-time work to give you a focus outside the home?

Thanks so much for your answers. You know this is the first time I've talked about this to anyone. I've kept everything inside as I have no-one to confide in, so I'm so very grateful you've read it.

Perhaps counselling on my own would help. I shall enquire. Perhaps I can do this while my youngest is at nursery.

Thanks again!

You've said he works hard, but at home it seems he's a lazy arse and 'very domineering' with it.

I'm sorry to say I don't like the sound of him and I'm not surprised that you're unhappy and dreaming of love with someone who appreciates you.

Your h shows no interest in either you or his dc and I suggest you get him a blow-up doll to take care of his once a week demand for his 'husbandly rights' while you concentrate your energies on how to leave this selfish man.

Counselling will be a good start, and also avail yourself of a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law as you may not be as badly off as you imagine if you separate from your h.

It could be that acting for yourself may encourage you to give him the kick up the bum he needs to start involving himself fully in his family's life and, in turn, this may rekindle your former affections for him.

Thanks Izzywizzy ........ problem is I confided in my (rather elderly) mother a few years back and who basically told me to get on with it. "No grandchildren of mine are going to grow up in a broken home" is what she said. So - I got on with it. I'm desperate for a new career and fresh start but my heart bleeds for my beautiful kids. I have a nice home, just about enough money, and kids are settled in school - it's just me who is very, very unhappy.

I asked him a few months ago whether he'd rather be on his own and he said "maybe I would" followed quickly with "I love my kids". Truth is, I think he does love his kids but doesn't like the work that goes with them. In his ideal world he'd go to work, come home, crack open a beer, watch the football and play some on line games. As long as he had a bit of hows your father once a week he'd be a happy bunny. If the kids make any noise he just shouts at them to shut up, and closes the door.

If I try to talk to him he just says that I'm not perfect either, and what do I want of him? He says he works every day and he gets tired.

We're in our mid forties, and I feel life is passing me by!

Thanks again!

You're mid-forties? Plenty of life left to live!

How do you want to live it?

"If the kids make any noise he just shouts at them to shut up, and closes the door."

that is nice isnt it? (not)

doesnt sound like he loves his kids at all - just likes the idea of them to tell people at work ?

do the kids like being around him?

do they greet him when he comes from work with joy?

is he taking them out at weekends, to park, swimming etc?

what happens on family holidays?

ask each of your DC to draw a picture of your family.

how do they draw dad/you?
where are you both in their pictures?

you said in your op - the kids say he does nothing with them.

so they wont miss him much will they? eg if you do separate

or maybe by eg separating he would make more effort with them when he did see them

Dear god, once a week you have sex that makes you feel ill because he thinks he has conjugal rights? Well, he doesn't. Sex is supposed to be mutually desired and mutually enjoyable, even between husband and wife . If you don't want it, you shouldn't feel you have to have it. If he coerces or emotionally blackmails you into sex, he is not a nice man.

I really think you should look into what you'd be likely to get if you did split up - check the benefits/tax credits calculator on the 'entitled to' website. Have a chat with CAB or a free intial half-hour with a solicitor. Even if you do nothing with the info, at least you'll have more idea of your options.

I think there's a good chance that, if you two weren't together, he would make more effort and spend time with your dc - because he'd have to in order to see them. He has become complacent?.I think it suits him. At the moment you and dc are just there on tap and such is your home routine he has got into the mindset of not bothering- as you say, he goes to work, comes home and slobs out. Can you have a discussion with him with a view to changing the dynamics of your home's routines? Is he of the mindset that as you are a SAHM, it is compartmentalised - I go to work,you do childcare.

he said "maybe I would" followed quickly with "I love my kids"

I find it significant that he didn't mention you or bother to ask why you'd raised the subject.

Go and see solicitor - not just any old high street firm, ask friends for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law.

However, there are many women on this site who know more about benefits, tax credits, child support, and every aspect of divorce than many 'experts' so ask and ye shall receive tried and tested knowledge and wisdom - and remember there's also a legal board.

It sounds to me like when you raise an issue that you're not happy about he either makes more effort for a few days to mollify you, or he brushes your concerns aside. Either way he is not taking them seriously.

If I try to talk to him he just says that I'm not perfect either, and what do I want of him?

Tell him specifically what you want. "I want you to put the children to bed on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I want you to collect them from clubs. I want you to take them out every Saturday afternoon. I want you to speak to me with respect. I want you to listen to my needs. I want you to take responsibility for your role as a father."

He says he works every day and he gets tired. So do you. So do most people. That's life. Suck it up, stop making excuses and get on with it.

husbandly rights? Under english law they don't exist. He cannot demand. He can ask and it's up to you to consent or not.

I absolutely feel nothing but repulsion . Personally, I would not sleep with him if I felt that. When he asks why, I would say I am so unhappy with our relationship the way it is, I cannot even contemplate sex with you at the moment. But if you would like to work with me to improve our relationship, I can tell you what I need".

If he's not interested in trying, then you have your answer.

One thing is for sure. You can't go on like this. You are worth more than that.

Thanks so much for all your replies. We sat and had a talk at the weekend and he has made more of an effort, but how long that will last remains to be seen. At the moment I feel very trapped and I shall, as you recommend, seek advice as to my entitlements at least so I feel more equipped to deal with the future.

I appreciate you all taking the time to read this! Thank you all.