had a fight with my mum... really need advice (bit long)

[LilacBump]

i moved to the uk in 2000 and DD was born in 2001. my parents and other family live in belgium. my mum came to visit once, just before DD was born. we've been over to visit 3 times with DP and once just DD and myself. this last time was in april 2004. we are planning to go over in february, even though i think it's about time they (and especially my dad) come here. they haven't even seen the house we live in now. i send them some photos, but not often and they talk to her on the phone sometimes (but DD mostly speaks fast in english and they have trouble understanding her and my mum doesn't even speak back as she's too shy to speak in english). they haven't got a computer as they are terrified of technology.

anyway, DP got a dvd recorder for his birthday and we had this plan to buy my parents a dvd player, so we could send dvds of DD opening christmas presents, birthdays etc. all the stuff they miss. my dad was surprisingly excited about it. then he said to talk to my mum... she went all "NO, i don't want one of those in my house". i explained that she could see movies of DD and she said she didn't want those anyway and that a photo every couple of months was enough. she went on like this, all cold. i got very upset as she's been like this before about us going over in february and when i told her i was pregnant. i found it all too much and hung up the phone. i haven't spoken to her since.

i do have a difficult relationship with my parents. in counselling during my depression a few years ago i came to realise that my mum does not show affection. my dad does in his own unique way, but my mum just throws some cash at me and thinks that's love. i haven't had a hug from her since i was very little. she would never comfort me if i was upset. i've had arguments with my parents every time i've met them since i moved, it scares me to go over again, as i expect another fight with either of them.

why would she react like that? why wouldn't she want to see movies of her granddaughter? did i overreact? should we still go over?

No, you didn't over react. That was quite rude.

Don't really know how to say something constructive but... well, I had a very bad relationship with my mum, and I think that the only way it can stop being damaging is by owning up to the situation, see yourself as the person you are,whose mother's lack of affection has not ruined your capacity to love. You are a product of your own life and decisions don't let the lack of affection of you mother make you feel bad. You have a lovely daughter and you are a lovely daughter yourself. Perhaps a bit of cooling down the relationship with your mum could make her realise what a wonderful daughter she has? if she can't, it's her loss!

My mum is like this - and I've never got to the bottom of it. I keep asking her to get broadband so we can have video calls and she can she my DD's but she baulks at the idea. I just put it down to old age and fear and to be honest have given up trying - it's her loss.

In answer to should you still go over? Yes, give her another chance but see if you can talk this over with her whilst you're there.

chandra, i also realised today that i am the complete opposite... very affectionate. i give DD hugs and kisses and tell her i love her all the time. same with DP.

pennies, my dad is usually even worse with technology. he can't even set his alarm clock after a powercut. my mum on the other hand can use a normal cd player, so i thought a dvd player wasn't much different.

That is sad for you lilac - I feel very lucky because although I lost my mum to cancer 4 years ago (she was only 43), I have very fond memories full of affection . It is great that you are so affectionate though - I am like this too and I think it helps kids feel secure and loved and become confident, affectionate people.xxx

LilacBump, I know how upset you must be and sorry to hear about your argument. I am in a similar situation, moved to the UK from Finland in 1994, after my ds was born in March 2004 my mum has been here, oh I don't know, 7 times? Before ds was born the last time my parents visited was in 1996 so you see the affection there...

All I can say that if you have a difficult history with your parents, well done for acknowledging this. For me the first difficult step was to recognise that my parents are not perfect, and that my mum was in fact quite a bad mum. You are obviously hurt and upset because of years of baggage, and i have noticed that having a child and becoming a mother yourself really does bring things into surface. I only started posting on MN a couple of months ago but already I have seen quite a few threads on this subject. Someone recommended a book called 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward, I have just finished it and it has been an eye-opener - not in a bad way, all I mean is that it has validated all my issues with my parents, that it is right to be upset, and suggested some ways of reformatting the relationship that enables me to keep my sanity! I think Chandra's suggestion is a good idea - giving yourself a holiday from the relationship might help. Big hugs to you, and well done for breaking that chain and growing up to be a loving, affectionate mother yourself. xxx

kitegirl, thank you so much. along with what chandra said, this has really helped to comfirm my thoughts and feelings about my relationship with mum. i will give her some space and try to figure out more about how i really feel.

i think part of the problem is that i always saw my childhood as happy and nice. but a lot of issues have come forward over the last few years that show me that they indeed did a lot of things wrong and that i wasn't as happy as i thought i was. for example i wet the bed until i was about 11 (partly because of kidney problems) and my dad made fun of me all those years. really made me feel awful about it. also, i was sent to school without having a proper wash after wetting the bed. kids bullied me because of this. as a child i never questioned it, but as an adult i know that this has probably made the roots for my low self esteem and obsession with wanting to feel/be clean.

But Lilac, don't ruin the happy memories. Just don't let those things affect you, you can not change the past but you can decide whether to let those memories hurt you more or not. For your own good, don't dig more in sad details, it's not really healthy, it may turn into a pandora's box.

an update. mum rang last night and we made up. she explained that she didn't mean that she doesn't want to see movies of DD and that she's just afraid a dvd player will be too complicated to use.

LilacBump Glad you are speaking to your Mum again. It must be hard if you have a difficult relationship. My Mum and I were very close when I was younger, but she became ill and is much more self-centred now. It hurts a lot sometimes, but I've come to the conclusion that getting older can change people's personalities so they become more selfish and very frightened of change or new things. Hence the fear of the DVD player. My Mum doesn't like her routine upset. She finds Christmas difficult and gets depressed. This year my brothers are at home while we are with the in laws for Christmas. She isn't keen for us to visit, which I find hurtful. I feel very left out. Have to keep telling myself that this is illness and old age talking, but it is hard.

I wonder if similar changes in personality could be making things harder with your mother. Hope this helps and they do come to visit. I know how you feel. My Mum has never been to my house - a 1 1/2 hour journey - it upset me more when my dd was younger, but I've just accepted it now. She just can't cope with travelling and never goes anywhere. She just seems to feel more secure at home. Perhaps this is behind why your parents don't come to see you.

Hope this helps. Happy New Year !

Ive found this thread interesting as at times I have felt so much guilt about my relationship with my own mother. She annoys me a lot sometimes and I can find her difficult. My mother never showed us much affection but I always knew I was loved. I am a very loving and loyal person (as people tell me) so I don't feel flawed in that respect. At times I have sat and puzzled/agonised over relationship with my mother - I think her behaviour is unreasonable (I'll not even get started on examples) and as i am expecting my first child it has led me to examine these things even more - especially as you know your own child is going to have a relationship with her. There are things I wouldn't dare tell her just 'wot I think'.

Sorry this has gone off topic but the thread immediately rang bells for me QUESTION - do other MN'ers have these/similar issues?