I have namechanged for this as I think it outs me a bit to friends on here.
Basically my father can be pretty verbally abusive and has been all my life. To my mother and siblings too, but I seem to bear the brunt. It has been a really toxic relationship for me and done a lot of damage - I'm too fat and ugly for him, I make a mess of everything, all I've ever done is make work for him, etc. etc.
It took me many years to move out and also not be scared of him and yet I still have a lot of nightmares about him and pretty low self esteem. However, I have a fantastic relationship with my mum.
The problem is that I can hardly bear to have a relationship with him and in fact wouldn't except that he and my mum are still together (despite him not always being very nice to her) and that isn't going to change. He's retired so always around so basically if I want to see her (which I very much do), I have to see him.
Sometimes he's fine, although I'm always on tenterhooks, but I've come to stay for a couple of days to help my Mum out with a fair she's running and he has just blown up at me because I didn't answer the phone when it rang (had my hands full). Proper shouting, looking furious with me. He does this over the littlest things and despite the fact that I'm 35 I burst into tears as soon as he left the room. That's pretty common.
I just don't know what to do anymore. He scares the crap out of me; I'd be happy never seeing him again, but I can't just not come home. I know my mum is sympathetic to me and is willing to occasionally travel to see my alone but she is getting older and finding it hard to make the long journey. She hates that he does this but is scared of him herself. Is anyone else negotiating this issue - where you love and like one parent and find the other impossible? I just feel so sad that I'm a grown woman and still having a problem that blighted my childhood. I'm so ready to move on from all that.
Sorry this is long . I needed a rant and would love to know if anyone can suggest a solution.
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What do you do? One toxic parent
7 replies
onequestion · 05/10/2011 19:51
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