Can I make this work or time to move on?

[Anewstart]

I am in a situation where I don?t know if I want to continue with my marriage.

We have been together for 10 years, married for the past 6. From about 2007 we were ttc and were not having any luck. In 2009 we were ttc seriously (ie not just not using contraception but ovulation monitors, diet, timing etc) and we were not successful (nothing wrong with either of us medically). At the end of 2009 we began the process of ivf and embarked on 3 iui?s (1 took ? miscarried, 2 failed). After the lack of success I decided to take a little break from ivf.

At the end of 2010 I found out that my H had had an affair with a co-worker the previous year for about two months. Basically around the time we started the ivf process. Naturally I was devastated when I found out and due to a variety of circumstances (when I found out he had just lost his job, not living close to home, no-where else for either of us to go/stay for a period of cooling off time) we stayed in the same flat and tried to work things through. He went to counseling once a week for about six months ? I did not have any therapy, by myself or as a couple. At that stage I was desperate to be a mother. My time was really starting to run out in terms of fertility, age and access to health care (we live in the US, I am British). In January of this year we embarked on ivf again ? but ivf this time (rather than ?just? iui) and on the second attempt I became pregnant. I am due to have the baby in two months time.

The period of pregnancy has given me pause and I am becoming more and more distant from my H. I simply can?t get over what he did and it occupies my mind constantly. I know it?s not a great time to be thinking about starting again but I don?t know if I love him anymore and I am not sure if I could ever trust him again. We also have intimacy issues that has not helped the situation either.

I just feel very sad about the whole situation.

Maybe you are feeling scared for the future and questioning your H's commitment to the family you are about to become. This is normal for most pregnant women but you've more of a reason then others to feel this way :(

I wouldn't advise making any big decisions just now though.

He made a really bad choice, and then another one by not telling you about the affair. I hope his counselling has helped him to find out why and then hopefully apologise and you have started again. However it looks like you need to investigate your relationship as a couple..to ask the questions of yourselves and each other that have been buried and find out what you both want to do.

It's a difficult time for many relationships when a new life is being made and you have had a particularly difficult and emotional road to this point. I know counselling in the states is expensive but is there a possibility of relationship counselling for you both?? It sounds like you need to put your fears to rest (or make them real) so that you can make your decisions and stop wondering what if??

wish you all the best for the future.
FOTH

I am definitely trying to concentrate on the baby and having a successful birth. She is the most important little life right now.

I do think you are right about making decisions...especially ones that would involve relationships, moving (I want to move back to the UK) and job security (I would have to quit my job here).

Thanks FOTH - I think I need to look at counselling seriously. I am pretty bad at discussing me/feelings/relationships etc. It would be a hurdle I would definitely need to overcome.

Please don't let this situation overshadow one of the most important events in your life, namely, the impending birth of your long awaited dd.

Put thoughts of what your h did firmly out of your mind. I do know that's easier said than done, but it can be done if you counteract negative thoughts with positive ones - and you sure have a lot of positives to dwell on for the foreseeable future.

Resolve that the only way for you to go now is with the flow. Promise yourself that you'll revisit your feelings about what h did, moving back to the UK etc in 6 months time.

Until then, enjoy what I'm sure is now, and will be, one of the most fulfilling experiences of your life - and please allow your h to share and participate in what is also a life-changing and life-defining time for him to.

too!!

What did your H to help you recover from the affair apart from the counselling? It sounds like you are struggling to get over it and that there are still some issues - you may find reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends helpful when thinking about how to resolve these issues.

I would definitely go and get relationship counselling - both of you together.

IVF is well known for exposing rifts in relationships. Many men feel like they are not 'enough' for their partners and its only the sperm they're after. It's actually a fairly good indication of the pressure you can expect to feel under once the baby arrives too, when your partner may feel excluded from the mother-baby bond and feeling like he's getting no attention from you. That's his problem to deal with BTW and doesn't mean you should run yourself ragged trying to give him lots of attention, but it is likely to be a problem unless you deal with it beforehand.

Adding a baby to your family will be wonderful, exciting, all those things you've hoped for, but it will also be hard and put your relationship under considerable strain. Unless you've dealt with the issues you've had in the past, they are likely to resurface within the first 12 months of having this baby.

Going to relationship counselling doesn't mean your marriage is dead in the water. Even solid couples can benefit from it if they need to improve their communication and intimacy. Don't think of it as 'damage limitation', think of it as the gateway to a new period of your marriage, one characterised by emotional intimacy and a true spirit of partnership. If, deep down, you both love each other and you both respect each other, the chances are that you can make it even if there are trust issues, OTOH, if the damage is too deep, counselling will help you see that too (they don't encourage couples to stay together despite it obviously being better to split). Counselling will definitely help you deal with this, and should you decide to divorce, it could also help you maintain civil discussions and create a respectful co-parenting relationship.

If you approach it in that vein, you'll find it a positive experience and it will be something you can start now, before the baby arrives, so that you are stronger than ever when you become parents, whether that's together or apart.

Good luck for the birth and congratulations.

He's been brilliant since - really supportive and definitely worked out his issues with the therapist. Thank you all for your warm words - it's much appreciated.