Continuing in a relationship when one partner is unhappy

[DestinationUnknown]

I'd welcome your views on this please, going to try and keep it factual rather than emotive as I'd like objective thoughts ...

Couple, S and B, have been together over 10 years, always fairly happy but with a bit of doubt niggling underneath it all for S about whether B is definitely the right person for them. Life's path continues, not getting any younger, take the decision to buy a family house, have kids. Now have 2 under 2.

S decides they are really not happy. Tells B. B is devastated, has known there was something wrong but not the extent of it. Wants them to stay together, B will do what they can to change to help S feel happy. S feels under a lot of pressure, does not want to break up family unit, hates self for making B so unhappy. S and B still together but things are just not right. S is resisting talking it through with a counsellor, B won't push it for fear this will precipitate the end.

S is unhappy but genuinely trying their best to keep it together for the sake of family. B knows things are wrong but can't cope with the thought of not being together / being single, and also breaking up the kids' home. Both S & B mindful of the financial impact of two households. Both horribly aware that this was not something they thought would happen to them. S terrified that they are going to be stuck in a limbo of unhappiness until the kids are grown up, which feels like a long time. Wierdly S & B get on in general, can go out with friends and have a nice time, talk about domestic details etc. It's amicable on the surface but the fundamentals are lacking.

Do you think anyone can continue in a relationship like this? For the sake of their partner and children?

I think it is always so difficult to comment without fully understanding the situation.

I have been married for 10 years also and throughout this time had niggling doubts. I always believed my husband made such an effort, really wanted to make things work, was really trying however I now realise this wasn't the case. In reality he had been manipulating me into thinking this because our set up worked so well for him ( he could undermine me, have an unpaid slave, etc etc). I posted here a long time ago and had my eyes opened about emotionally abusive men - before that point, I could have written this post.

There are so many reasons why people have doubts about marriages. I would recommend imdividual counselling initially followed by couples counselling to get a better idea of why you feel like this.

Thank you all for the thoughts. Not sure I'm any closer to being able to help, but when B is asking "how can I get S to stay?" / "how can I make S happy?" and S is shutting down and being unable to talk about where the unhappiness comes from it's helpful to get different perspectives.

I agree counselling really has to be the first option. Don't know why S won't think about this. Frustrated that B can't seem to push for it. Really would love B to start calling some shots and S to take some action to sort out their emotions and thought processes. Argh. Perhaps its time to take a back seat - I can't play counsellor to both sides.

I think it's possible you are not being given the whole picture here and perhaps you should be thankful for that, because if "S" confided in you that there was someone else (which is my hunch) then it would put you in a very invidious position. I think they both know what needs to be done to resolve this one way or another, but right now B lacks the courage and S is too wedded to a self-image of being a good person, who doesn't want to hurt.

Has anyone asked B what 'niggling doubts' they've been lumbered with now that the rug has been pulled from under them and they've discovered that they unwittingly married a selfish, self-absorbed, self-centred and grossly insensitive twunt?

As for B will do what they can to change to help S feel happy, there's nothing wrong with B and the only change that is needed is for S to get over themselves and put the needs of the family that they chose to create first and foremost before giving any consideration to their own needs.

'Niggling doubts', my arse - why am I not suprised that S is resistant to the suggestion of counselling?

So, OP, you've said 'I know what I would do' and, now that you have had the benefit of varying opinions, perhaps you'd kindly elucidate - what would you do and, more pertinently, what have 'you' advised S & B to do?

In the event that S is the female, it's possible that they are suffering from post natal depression and you should be advising that they need to see their GP.

If S is male and showing signs of depression, the advice would be the same.

With regard to the research that DTA has mentioned, I would extend the age to 7 - it's the Jesuit in me; give me the child until s/he's 7 and I'll show you the wo/man'. Also, at 7yrs children have usually put away 'magical thinking'.

However, it should be borne in mind that, no matter what age they are, if the family unit is disrupted children can feel abandoned by the parent who leaves and they often blame themselves for their dps splitting up.

Philip Larkin was right; our mums and dads fuck us up even when they have no intention of doing so.

i am in this exact situation i am 22 my husband is 55. i am really unhappy in the marriage, we have barely spoke for months and the times that he does talk to me he speaks to me like im a piece of shit even in front of the kids. i want a divorce i feel that the kids and i would be more settled if i wasnt with their dad but then i dont want the kids to feel like i have took them away from their dad

I agree with DontTellAnyonebut. If one is unhappy and is unhappy because of the relationship, then I don't see why he/she shouldn't leave that marriage. Unhappiness is enough imo to finish a relationship.

However, it is essential to be sure that it is the relationship which is the issue and not somethingelse. It can be very easy to blame the other partner when actually the issue is within yourself.

Hence why I would very strongly suggest for S to go and have counselling on her/his own. Unravel why there is such unahppiness.
As for B wanting 'to do whatever it takes to make S happy'..... I think it's the wrong way to go. Of course if one is being a twat, then one should change their behaviour. But that's not what B is thinking about and I dont think it would bring any happiness to S. More likely that B would run themselves to the ground for very little results.