HELP! I don't love my husband...sorry this is long

[speaker123]

I've been married 19 years (together 23 years). We have a dd 7, ds 5. I've been unhappy for at least the last 3 or so years and it has slowly got to the point where I cannot now stand it anymore. We have no intimacy whatsoever (last time we made love was in Feb!) and for the last couple of years I was only really doing it to keep him happy. I cringe when he wants to cuddle or even kiss me goodbye in the morning now. I'm finding it so hard to say 'I love you' when he says it to me. I'm pretty sure I don't love him or else I wouldn't be feeling like this would I? I'm even questioning whether I've ever loved him (can you believe that after 19 years?). We married quite young 22/23 and neither of us have been with anyone else. I am finding it really hard to talk to dh about it as it's going to hurt him so much. Obviously he has asked if I still love him, whether I want to be with him, get a divorce, etc but I can't talk about it. I've only really managed to say that I'm feeling nothing. I don't want to go anywhere with him either although I'm trying as much as I can for the children. He's trying to make a real effort to spend more time together and do the things that we used to enjoy but I really am not interested and finding it so hard to try. I am emotionally numb. Dh is finding it really hard to believe that I have changed so much and can be this cold to him. He sees that I'm not like that with dd and ds and I think the world of them, which dh finds hard too (although he is so pleased that I do love them still).

I've been on anti-depressants now since May as I was really struggling. The meds are helping me get stronger so that I can try to deal with stuff. My doctor suggested counselling as I am so struggling to talk to anyone about it (even the close couple of friends I have). I am now waiting for counselling but they have told me having been on the waiting list for 6 weeks already that an appointment is not likely to happen until after Christmas.

This didn't go down well with Dh and he is now pushing for us to go to counselling together and to go private. We can't really afford it (Dh says if it's about saving our marriage then we will find a way to afford it). I was hoping to go to the counsellor my doctor had recommended and at least try and talk to someone on my own before I face the problem with dh. I know that may sound strange but I know it's going to hurt so much (for dh and me) that I needed to try and get my head round it myself first before dealing with it together.

I cannot see a future together but I'm probably unable to support our children on my own so what can I do? We have no savings (just a couple of small pensions) as dh's business went down last year and left us in a load of debt which we are slowly beginning to pay off. He's doing well in his new business and there's big talk of how well it's going to do but I cannot get excited about it. I'm not interested in the money only for clearing the debts and the security for our children.

I'm drinking more than I used to mainly at night but even started having a glass in the day which is so stupid I know but I'm worried where that's going to lead. We went on holiday recently with all his family which I struggled through and even started smoking one night which I have done for for 26 years!!!

Anyway, I've rambled too much, sorry. Not sure what I'm hoping for by posting here but would be interested to hear anyone's thoughts/experience or whether I'm just being totally unreasonable. Thanks. I may not be able to check these posts that promptly but bear with me. Any advice appreciated.

It sounds as if you dont love much about your life at the moment, not just your husband.

I think you need to deal with your depression before making decisions about your relationship.

What would be better if you were seperated from your husband?

Like dh suggests consider relationship counselling too at least know where you both are as a couple? It may mean that the marriage is over but at least you and dh can then come to terms with it....you have been through a lot of finance worries. But if you are depressed which you do sound as UA suggests counselling for yourself first.

I fully agree with Unavailable.

The meds are helping me get stronger so that I can try to deal with stuff

What stuff are you 'trying to deal with'?

This might be just cod psychology, but I have read that depression sometimes covers suppressed anger.

Deep down, are you angry at your husband? Perhaps about the debts from the business folding?

I think some counselling would help you unravel this.

Can you tell your husband that you need some counselling on your own to prepare you for couple counselling?

UA you're right about not loving much about life at the moment. My doc was wanting me stronger too before I tackle anything.

What would be better if separated from dh? Hopefully I would start enjoying life again which has to be better for the children too. I don't believe we could carry on as we are. Dh deserves more. Obviously the guilt for the children if it goes the route of splitting will be so hard too and that is also why I'm struggling so much what I'm feeling.

When dh has pushed on the matter I've tried to say that I need to sort myself out first - it just such a shame that I cannot get an appointment any quicker.

Thanks both for replying.

What changed a couple of years ago to set this off? Can you think of a particular incident (a bereavement, an accident, an illness, bad behaviour from your H, a sudden realisation of something?)
I do think you ought to prioritize sorting yourself out before worrying about the relationship - it sounds as though your H is making the mistake of clinging, whining and asking for sex, which is understandable but bad tactics with an unhappy partner who is thinking about leaving, it just becomes more and more offputting.

I have felt like this with an ex, but it was as MaryQueenofSpots pointed out, to do with supressed anger. He had mistreated me in the relationship and resentment had built up to the point where seeing him filled me with dread and I couldn't bear to have him near me.

I don't know if this sounds like the case from what you describe....you sound more as if you feel emotionally numb about everything in your life. What about making a list of bad points about your relationship and then another list of the good points to explore the emotions behind your thoughts of separating?

that's a very tough situation! Do you actually think that it's dh who's causing your depression (by just being there) - you seem pretty sure that you'll start enjoing life once on your own - what would you be doing differently when on your own - aer there specific things you want to do? is there an interest in other men at all, vaguely?

Nothing cod about it Mary.

If your depression has come out of the blue, it could be masking issues that you may not be consciously aware of.

What happened 3 years or so ago that made you feel unhappy, and have there been times between then and the onset of your current depression when you were happy?

OP, I still dont understand why you think splitting from your husband is the answer. Is it for his sake ("DH deserves more") or yours ("Hopefully I would start enjoying life again")

Take heed of your GP and dont make any big changes yet.

Pay for counselling, probably best on your own at first - seems there are issues you probably want to raise without your DH.

I am on the opposite side of this - my long term partner (who I suspect is suffering from depression) walked away. I think he felt very much as you do. Please get the counselling. It doesn't sound as if he deserves to be dumped.

Sometimes anti=depressants can make you feel numb and cold, it might be worth changing the ones you are on for something else.

You sound apathetic. In a daze.

Lots to think about. Not sure where to start responding but will think about what you're all saying thank you.

Have you tried relate? You might be able to get some counselling quicker. Although it is couple therapy and this might not be what you need at the moment you can go alone and it should give you some space to think about the relationship yourself and how it might relate to your depression - and whether couple therapy would be useful at this stage. It is means tested so you should not have to pay if you don't have the means. IN my area I was able to get an appointment pretty quickly.

You can go relate as an individual to work out what you feel about your relationship. Relate also have a sliding scale of fees based on your income.
I agree with the other posters you need to work on yourself first, before you look at the relationship issues.

Thanks for your advice.

What fabby said, your meds could be adding to the way you feel, masking feelings etc.