Misscarriage causing Mum to have breakdown, advice urgently needed

[BullyBeefBadgers]

About 6 years ago my mum had remarried and was trying to have more children. She successfully gave birth to my DB 7 years ago but the following year had a series to miscarriages. The most recent of these was 5 years ago and has had a worrying effect on her. We all were incredibly supportive when she wanted a funeral for the babies she had lost and when she named the last baby that she lost as Adam. She seemed to be getting more able to cope recently until I had DD. My Auntie also had a baby within 6 weeks of me. Both of us have noticed that my mum would act strangely around our DDs - holding them all the time and refusing to give them back, breaking down sobbing when we had to leave, taking the baby upstairs saying she had to feed them (we had to intervene as she was actually undoing her bra), and not understanding when we tried to tell her they were our DDs. We all presumed it would pass once she worked through the grief. SF seemed to think there was nothing to worry about.

Recently she has qualified as a teaching assisstant at a local school and this is the bit that concerns me and about which I urgently need advice. she has taken under her wing a boy in year 1 who has SN. She had been told that the reason for losing the last baby (Adam) was due to disabilities etc. She is not paid to care for this child but has volunteered. On the phone she told me she has been spending lots of time with him and that at lunchtime he sits with her and holds her hand. I asked what his name was and she said "Adam" then quickly realised her slip up and said "no, Tristan" and laughed it off. I am concerned because I don't know how far this could go and don't know whether I should step in and speak to the school? Is it harmless or could it get out of hand? Please be honest - really concerned!

Would like to add that the urgency stems from the fact that the phone conversation happened yesterday and I feel that if I do need to act then I should do it immediately. I can't help feeling that even if this is helping my mum in some way, I would be anxious if it was DD that was the child in question I would want action taken straight away. It must be confusing if not distressing for the child if mum makes that slip to the child and calls them Adam. And I'm not sure who initiated the hand holding but if it was mum then again - not great for the child. Please advise, feel very out of my depth.

I think if I was you I would make an appointment with my own GPand discuss what your options are. You're right, this is serious.

did she get professional help eg counselling before?
if she is local and you know her GP you could write to her GP with your concerns. let them then decide what to do.

You are right. We (professionals working with children) cannot and should not use our work to work through our own issues, it's incredibly dangerous. I'm not sure who you should speak to. Maybe the school :(

Please, before you consider approaching the school, talk to your mum alone face to face about the conversation you had with her yesterday and ask her to go with you to see her GP.

If she won't agree, tell her that your concerns are such that you feel you have no alternative but to approach the Headteacher of the school because you fear that, in singling one child out of many for one-to-one attention, she is putting her own needs above his.

Be gentle and tell her that, although she may find it hard to understand, you are acting out of love for her.

Awww your poor Mum. :( There's been sterling advice on the little boy at school, so I won't go over that, I just want to stick my oar in for your Mum.

I work as a support worker with women and have done for years, and I cannot tell you the times I have seen women who've had their mothering / children thing interfered with, and the damage it can do to them. It has been such a strong thing I would say it is primal.

Maybe your Mum needs a safe space where she can talk about the losses she has suffered and grieve her little baby properly, so that she grief is not twisted off onto someone else. Grief is such a terrible thing and must be allowed space to be, otherwise look what happens?

Thanks ladies - I think I will talk to her first and see what happens - Im not going to go diving straight in because I think that would push her over the edge.