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Original poster

SUSPICIOUS

18 replies

LWK · 19/12/2005 11:44

In the last few months, my partner does not seem caring for me. I suspect he has got close to his work colleague (woman). I might be paranoid but I am very concerned about. Few occasions they went out escorting their patients, sight seeings to the beaches and shopping. When I aksed him what kind relationship between him and her (everytime he took his patients out, it was always with her), he told me she is just his work colleague. One day he was not on duty, he volunteered to take patients and her shopping. She often called and texted him while he was on duties. So I am very suspicious but I told him, he convinced me that there is nothing going on and suggested me to meet her.
I really need advice from all of you.
Thanks.

OP posts:
butty · 19/12/2005 11:49

LWK,

I think it would be strange if you wern't suspicious although i would take him up on the offer of meeting her.
It may well be that they just get on well with each other and in their line of work may have to do a lot of team work which may involve communication RE planning trips etc...
I dont know your partners occupation is but i would certainly give him the benefit of doubt if you think deep down that he is telling the truth.

Butty.xxx

baublerock · 19/12/2005 11:50

Don't be fooled by him wanting you to meet her - it may just be a way of him trying to convince himself as well as you that there isn't a chemistry - it happens all to easily with work colleagues

Original poster
LWK · 19/12/2005 11:53

Thanks Butty,

I did ask him why not with other colleagus he is taking patients. Why is everytime he takes patients out, she comes on the picture. For sure he is not just working with one colleague. As far as I know there were 5 of them in their team.

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 11:53

LWK you say he hasn't been caring for you so has he been "off" with you in other ways as well as spending time with this woman?

I too would take him up on his offer to meet her. FWIW one of my best friends is a (male) work colleague - we always talk to each other about things - I'm always honest with my DP about him and he's fine about it, although we never have contact outside of work

I think anyone would be suspicious in your situation but for me, the fact that he's being quite open with you about it would suggest he's telling you the truth

rubles · 19/12/2005 11:54

I would go along and meet her, be very friendly to her, get her onside and watch them like a hawk.
The fact that he has suggested a meeting seems good to me, and my initial reaction is that there is nothing to be suspicious about.

butty · 19/12/2005 12:01

LWK,

My best mate works at a residential college for severely disabled students between 16 and 21.
She is a keyworker and works very closely with the same 2 individuals as it is them who know best about the student that she is keyworker for. college feel it is best that the people who know the students needs well enough and better than others should work together.
Could this be the case with your partner???

Butty.xxx

Original poster
LWK · 19/12/2005 12:05

Hi NotActuallyAMontherChristmas,

He has not got off with me. But he rarely offers his help when I was busy at home. I asked him why he is so kind and nice to her, offering help, at them mean time he never done it to unless I ask him to. He told me that I never asked his help. I told him I should not ask him for help. I am your wife, I told him. He told me he offered his help, why can he do the same to me?

OP posts:
fairyfly · 19/12/2005 12:09

I'm sure you can tell deep down if he fancies her tbh. Only you will know so it is so difficult to jump to conclusions on here. When i met my partners woman friend, he invited her round for the same reason, it was obvious they fancied each other. They giggled, she wouldn't stop giving him a look. it confirmed all my suspisions. Infact i was so pissed off i said to her, i'm off out you can stay the night in my bed if you want and left.
Saying that it could be perfectly innocent and just because we have commited to someone doesn't mean for the rest of our lives we have to avoid the opposite sex. I meet men friends and go shopping and my god, no thanks.

baublerock · 19/12/2005 12:14

He may just be taking advantage of you at home, how long have you been married? If he's just become relaxed and settled into a pattern of letting you do everything around the house then it will be hard to 'retrain' him - has he changed or have you suddenly begun to resent doing things for him?

With regards to the meeting her offer - If he is having a relationship with this women then he will want to show you how they interact as friends - then it will be easier to continue the relationship. It sounds bizarre but it actually takes the guilt away from him as you are okaying the relationship.

overdrafttopayforchristmas · 19/12/2005 14:01

Got to say that i came on here and posted for the same reasons as you.I knew the woman she was my next door neighbour.My dp spent lots of time talking over the fence with her and having a laugh with her and all.Some told me to chill out and why can't he have mates who are women.Well guess what?? they started having an affair.

I sort of knew and my instincts were right.I WILL always always trust my own instints next time. I was fed up because they were spending so much time together and he was ignoring me almost.Looking back he stopped coming in when i was in the bath or touching my bum when he walked past little things like that. She pretended to like me and even kept inviting us around for dinner (so she could spend more time with him).

Not saying there is something going on but,he is still taking from your realationship and thinking of her needs.Put your foot down.I wished i had had the confidence to follow my own instints and stamped on her and it may not of happened.

overdrafttopayforchristmas · 19/12/2005 14:01

Got to say that i came on here and posted for the same reasons as you.I knew the woman she was my next door neighbour.My dp spent lots of time talking over the fence with her and having a laugh with her and all.Some told me to chill out and why can't he have mates who are women.Well guess what?? they started having an affair.

I sort of knew and my instincts were right.I WILL always always trust my own instints next time. I was fed up because they were spending so much time together and he was ignoring me almost.Looking back he stopped coming in when i was in the bath or touching my bum when he walked past little things like that. She pretended to like me and even kept inviting us around for dinner (so she could spend more time with him).

Not saying there is something going on but,he is still taking from your realationship and thinking of her needs.Put your foot down.I wished i had had the confidence to follow my own instints and stamped on her and it may not of happened.

MistletoeMiggins · 19/12/2005 15:20

I agree with fairyfly - you should meet her & you will be able to tell whether there's something going on
I only heard my H speak on the phone to his mistress and it confirmed my fears - found out for definite the next morning

I didnt want to post here as it will hurt you to hear people say trust your instincts etc BUT I posted similarly to you and in the long run it gave me the confidence that I wasnt going mad...hope you're wrong

xxx

overdrafttopayforchristmas · 19/12/2005 21:10

how are things now LWK ?

Original poster
LWK · 20/12/2005 16:29

Thanks folks.
He has been on leave this week and that woman phoned him once and texted him a few. I could not read the contents of sms as they were deleted but if you go to check in details, it lists all phone calls made and received, and sms sent and received.

OP posts:
SackAche · 20/12/2005 16:33

The fact that he's deleting them is suspicious enough! I have been on the other side.... and I was very careful to make sure texts and emails were deleted. I also suggested that DH met him as he was such a good 'friend' of mine. I tried it all.

Its all over now and has been for 3.5yrs.
I don't bother deleting texts now.... as I have nothing to hide. The only time I delete is when my inbox is full.

Really sorry he's putting you through this.

SackAche · 20/12/2005 16:34

FWIW - If DH had met him I don't think there would have been anyway for him to know what was going on! I'd already 'groomed' him for that.

lousH · 21/12/2005 13:49

If I was you I would be concerned also, if nothing else he should spot your anxiety and do all in his power to put you at ease, you are his wife and should come before a work colleague.

Maybe you should meet her and see if your unconcious picks up on any body language.
Having said that try not to get yourself into a paranoid stew, it will make you look and feel terrible- I know from first hand

good luck and I hope he sees sense

Amateurpsych · 22/12/2005 14:15

Good article in Eve magazine this month (Teri Hatcher in a yellow dress on the cover) about male and female friends and what is going too far. Lists some of the signs of when a friendship enters more dangerous waters e.g. talking about intimate things in more depth than you would with your own Partner.

Might be worth a look

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