My dad - just not interested.

[stayfornoone]

I am feeling rather sad tonight, no real reason, probably that time of the month, but I am finding my dad is on my mind a lot recently.

As a bit of background, my dad brought me and my brother up from the age of two. I love him to bits, but am struggling with the total lack of interest he shows in my life or my childrens. Dont get me wrong, christmas and birthdays there are gifts etc, but I feel these all mean nothing, when he isnt an active part of my childrens lives.

I moved away to the other end of the country when I was 18. Met my now STBXH fell pregnant and had two babies. I made the decision to move back up here, because I wanted my children to have my family, they are all up here. I feel for the most, the move was for nothing.

Nearly four months ago, I separated from my husband. I have not heard from my dad during that time, barr seeing him in the hospital briefly when my grandad had a stroke. It would mean so much for me, just to have him even care if I am okay. Because I dont drive and he lives way out in the country, it is now very difficult for me to get out to see him. However he drives and is often popping into town for bits and pieces, but never comes round to see the kids. It hurts that he just doesnt seem to care.

I should add, that he is like his dad. The males of the family are all outdoorsy, into fishing, shooting etc. They are not socialites at all and very much loners. My brother lives down the other end of the country and they rarely talk. It doesnt appear selective and I dont think there is any reason as such behind why he doesnt phone or want to visit. I just feel sad that it always has to come from me, for contact with him. Just once I would love him to phone out of the blue and say...how are you? How are the kids? Or just pop in for a coffee. I suppose this has been one of the hardest times in my life and if I ever needed a parent just to be...there...its now. Do I sound selfish? I also had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents growing up and would love for my kids to have the same. Incidentally, my step mothers grandchildren, he sees very often. Admittedly this is through my step mother for the most. My step mother is lovely by the way and treated me as her own, so its not an evil step mother thing.

I just feel sad about it all. I have an okay relationship with my mum, but she didnt come back into my life until I was 14 and in my eyes I already had a mum. Its been hard adjusting over the years but she is great with my children and very much active in their lives. I am thankful for that. I just wish it could be the same with my dad too. I sometimes think about saying something, but really...I dont think anything would change. Is anyone else in this situation? How do you deal with it. It almost feels like I am rejected at times. As the one that went off, got pregnant and didnt do all the things he thought I would do..and now a failed marriage on top of it..but it hurts the most, the lack of interest in my children.

You dont say how old your dad is. Could he be suffering with some form of mh?
Some parents are just like that.
You could try writing to him, explaining your feelings.
Do you ever invite him over? He may feel that he's not welcome/ doesnt want to interfere.
Its tough having a parent, who is supposed to care and be interested in you, when it seems they just dont.
Good luck, I hope you can sort this out asap.

Oh. Have you tried talking to your Dad about how you feel? Or your stepmum? Is it possible that your Dad feels hurt and betrayed that you have forged a relationship with your birth mother after being abandoned by her, when he did all the donkey work on his own?

I completely empathise with how you feel about your children lacking time with loving grandparents. I had wonderful GPs, and I had similar issues with both my divorced parents when my DCs were small. My mum has come back into our lives much more in recent years but it is a bit late really - she wasn't around for them (or me) much when they were small, and my Dad wasn't around for them (or me) well, ever really.

I understand how you feel, as my dad sounds very like yours. The only difference is, my parents where married for 38 years, when my dad thought the grass was greener, cut a long story short, he is in a new relationship, and my poor mom is on her own.

I have never really been close to my dad, and feel the same as you, about leaving home, having babies etc, but, my dad hates my husband, another long story short, my husband wasn't the best, when we met, and its taken us a long time to get things right, but, after us being together for 19 year, you'd think my dad would know its for keeps.

I had counsilling, in the end, because i couldn't understand how my dad went from a very loving grandad with our first, to not even bothering with my 2 boys. What does break my heart is my youngest, who is 4, doesn't even know who he is! If he phones, and my youngest gets the phone, he will say mom/dad, there is a man on the phone, and thats my dads fault.

I feel like my dad has gotten himself a new family know, all ready made, with 2 new daughers and a son, plus 6 new grandkids. He seems very pleased to tell people he has 9 granchlildren, but he hasn't in my eyes only the 3 of ours.

You could try talking to him, but, it might not make any difference.

I had a conversation with my dad, and he said he would try and make an effort, but nothing has changed. I live 25 miles from him, and will hand deliver his b'day cards, he just puts mine in the post.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, especially as he raised you, then for him to be so indifferent.

Hope you can sort it out hun, and counsiling really did help xxxxxx

Good point nicky, did your dad hate your STBXH? Is he angry at you for messing up your life by insisting on being with an idiot in spite of his attempts to make you see it was a mistake? Perhaps it's a sort of self-preservation thing, where he has emotionally distanced himself because he can't stand to watch the car crash unfolding?

Thanks for the replies, in answer to some questions.

I guess it could be to do with my mother. My dad has always maintained he hates her. At my wedding, he showed face at the ceremony (gave me away) but none of one side of my family would attend my reception. Because of the other side of my family. When I was growing up, my mum was never mentioned, I really believed I was my step mothers child, never entered my head to question it. When I was 14, I discovered about her and found my parents had been allowing my brother to see her for four years. It all was very messy. So yes, maybe its to do with the fact I now have her in my life voluntarily. Whilst she certainly had/has her problems, he is no angel either. My brother and him rarely talk, because of how heavy handed my dad was with my brother during his childhood. My dad basically started having an affair with my step mum and that is why my mum and dad separated. He was a bastard in court, threw all sorts at her and got her own grandparents ( they brought her up) on his side by threatening not to let them see us if he won. It was very messy, my mum was very young. After she lost custody of us, she tried to kill herself. I dont blame her. But yes, my dad hates her, so maybe it is that.

My dad liked my STBXH. A lot. I am not an idiot and my life isnt a car crash . I am actually very proud of myself, so things didnt work out in my marriage, I wasnt to know my STBXH would become violent. But I didnt stay, I am raising 4 dc under 7 and holding down a job. I dont see myself as a failure personally, but perhaps his outlook is different. He is in his fifties in answer to the age question.

I do know he loves me. I will maybe try to speak to him. But I dont really think it will change anything.

No, I'm so0rry I didn't try to suggest you were. Only sometimes other people can see a disastrous relationship better from a distance than the people close up and in it! Sorry - poor choice of words.

So. It's your mum then. You need to have a heart to heart with him, and tell him that you don't take sides, apportion blame, or bear grudges, and that you want to have them both in your life and that he is hurting your feelings by mkaing you choose. You sound very well balanced and sweet.