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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Supporting DP

10 replies

ihatecbeebies · 03/10/2011 19:54

Sorry if this thread is in the wrong place but I wasn't sure where else to put it.

It is DP's DDs birthday tomorrow, but it will also be exactly a year since he's been able to see her (ex wont let him see her for no good reason at all, she blocked his number from her phone, got engaged to his best friend, he's not on the bcert and she wont let him go on it, lawyer couldn't help him when he seeked help, dd is severely disabled so can't ask to see him).

I know that tomorrow will be hard for him but I'm not sure how I can support him and would be greatful for any suggestions. Would pretending it isn't her birthday and completely avoid it so he can just forget about it help or would it be better to bring it up or take him out to distract him? I want to be there for him but really don't know what to do. Has anyone else been in a similair situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatecbeebies · 03/10/2011 20:26

Anyone?

OP posts:
legoqueen · 03/10/2011 20:33

Haven't experienced this but didn't want your post to go unanswered - I would mention it & acknowledge the hurt, but be prepared that he may prefer not to talk about it. Hope that helps x

Original poster
ihatecbeebies · 03/10/2011 20:38

Thanks legoqueen that helped :) I wasn't sure if maybe he'd be more hurt that I was ignoring what day it was, I'll mention it and let him know I'm here for him.

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 03/10/2011 20:40

I wouldn't pretend or avoid it. I think you should let him guide you - don't try and make him talk, but if he wants to, listen and ask him what he wants to do, if he wants to go out or anything. He could always write a card and send it anyway or to put it aside in a box for her, should his ex ever relent.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 03/10/2011 21:56

Does your dp make maintenance payments for his dd?

Original poster
ihatecbeebies · 03/10/2011 22:14

No he's been a student for the past 4 years, students don't pay childmaintenance as they're living off of loans

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 03/10/2011 22:16

Er, how come lawyer couldn't help him get PR? Then contact? It's very easy..

Original poster
ihatecbeebies · 03/10/2011 22:37

IzzyWhizzy Would he be able to have access to his daughter if he paid maintenance? Does this change things as I didn't think it did?

Have you done something similar Ilove? DP was told he had no rights and wasn't able to get parental responsibility as parental responsibility orders can be rejected if giving the father parental responsibility would put stress on the mother and undermine her ability to care for her child who had multiple handicaps and special needs. his DD has severe Rett Syndrome so has multiple handicaps and special needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatecbeebies · 03/10/2011 22:37

If you did ILove, how did your DP cope with things such as birthdays/christmas's/first day of school?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 03/10/2011 22:39

Paying maintenance does not give you access.

The problem he has is he is not on the birth certificate, the mother could say he is not her father, he would have to prove he is. Bearing in mind the childs disabilities the mother would probably use them against any contact being made.

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