Please no bickering on this thread. The members of MN are here to support one another and offer their views and opinions.
Suzy I understand fully what you are saying. It takes two to make a relationship, but also two to break it.
Dont get all upset and feel like people are stepping on your toes LWTG, but this is very true.
Your DH had his affair because he says he wasnt gettin enough luvin from you. Understandable when you were 8 months pregnant. There were reasons for his affair and maybe you will never get down to the real nitty gritty as to why it started, but that was in the past, he is with you now and you need to move on.
I know how hard it is. My DH had his affair years ago, but I still have my raw moments. There are days when I feel like I could easily pack his bags and throw him out and he's done nothing to upset me. It can be the simplest of things that tip me over the edge.
You need to decide if you can lay yourself open to trust your DH again. you nned to tell him that you are. You love him so much that you will be prepared to stay with him until he strays again, but the boundaries need to be set very firmly. Your DH needs you to tell him that there are no second chances. He does it again and he looses you. No ifs buts or maybe's, he strays, he pays the ultimate price and thats to loose you.
You need to take some control over your relationship. You set the goals for a while.
Start of small. Organise a night out for you and DH. Dont tell him. Just do it and surprise him. It will give you something to focus on, make you feel better, surprise your DH and hopefully you will both have a great night out. a mael in a quiet resturant is a good one. Candle light, nice food and abottle of bubbly. You need to get back all those dizzy feelings you had for one another when you first met.
You can carry on throwing things back in his face, but where is that going to get you? He knows how much he has hurt you. You have told him how you really feel havent you? Have you told him how much the pain hurts, how the love you have for him has kept you together? If not then you need to off load it all. You need to sit down and think about all the things you need to say to him. Tell him in advance that you need to off load a few things. You need to dump your baggage. Then do it. Let it all out. DH must sit and listen. He musn't offer his point of view. This is about you getting all those feelings out. Dont shout, raised voices will just cause more upset. Let him hold you, cuddle you and tell you he's sorry.
When you start to get negative thoughts you need to find something to detract you from them. Put on a CD, crank up the volume and enjoy. Have a few photos dotted around the house. Photographs taken since you found out. The negative feelings start coming, look at the photo and say to yourself we survived XX day when I found out and look at us we are together, we are a family. You have to look for the positives in everything.
All these coping strategies I was given by my Relate counsellor. I tried them all and 7 years down the line when I feel myself slipping I do them again. I never thought I would get through it. My Dh's affair would have destroyed me, if I had let it.
Sure its fine to feel sore, hurt, betrayed etc you deserve to and its only because you care so much about your Dh that it hurts so bloody much, but how long can you keep hurting and feeling bitter before it starts to affect your relationship in big ways? The last thing you want is to become bitter and twisted because that will give him the perfect reason to stray again.
I've been following your posts and I wish you all the love and strength in the world to get through this. you can do it, just give yourself some time.
Take care.
Nuffsaid.