I need advice on getting through a rough patch - your tips please?

[DisparateHousewife]

Dh and I are going through a rough patch and have reached a bit of a stand off in terms of communication. He's away for a few days with work so I thought I'd use that time to plan my approach on his return.

We argued about something that I thought was fairly trivial, but dh feels is a reflection of an increasing difference in our attitude to dc's upbringing. I think a difference of opinion can be healthy, dh's view is that we disagree on everything.

Background - he's self-employed, I don't work. The economy's shit and he's worried about money, work, the bills and mortgage. He's now shut down and hasn't interacted with me properly since Monday. A bit of "retreating into the cave" if you like.

What would be your approach to resolving this?

Keep talking. I am naturally a person who bottles things up and finds it very difficult to talk about the tough stuff but I know it's not fair on dp when I do this. Neither of you are mindreaders. We've just had a totally shit few months, disagreeing about something HUGE (an unplanned pregnancy) and it's only through keeping talking that we're both now where we are, still together, stupidly happy, and stronger than ever. But it took us both going out of our comfort zones to get here. There's no need to see disagreeing as fighting. Neither of us will raise our voice to the other, and nor will we resort to namecalling or trying to hurt the other. Just keep talking and reassuring each other.

Blimey, I was coming on here to post something very similar. Not so much that we're disagreeing about everything (although we are digging at each other) but rather that communication has broken right down to the point that we hardly have anything to do with each other. Not in a silent treatment sort of way, just that we don't' have anything to say and are floating around the house getting our own stuff done and coexisting, rather than communicating. To be fair, DH's dad died very recently but he's shut down on me completely. And I'm feeling myself shutting down involuntarily and it scares me that we might never get back to where we were. It seems ridiculous, we've been through so much in the last 8 years, it felt like we could get through anything, and suddenly it feels like the events of the last two months could break us.

So I don't have any advice, sadly - just wanted to sympathise. Will watch with interest.

I'm sure you don't really truly disagree about the DC's upbringing and I'm sure the current situation is more about his worries and responsibilities to you all.

I have every sympathy with you both. My DH is self employed (builder) and in the 30 odd years that we have been married we have weathered several recessions. Each time DH retreated into himself and frequently got snappy, all really down to the responsibility he felt for his family.

Is there any chance of you getting any sort of work? Evening shifts supermarket, pub etc? It will do you good and allow him to see that you are being as supportive as you can be and are in it together. I did a door to door selling job for many years (not everyone's cup of tea) but it helped us out greatly and was very flexible. I also did paid babysitting for people in my area (I did well, I was prefered as more mature and responsible to your average teenager).

Try and get past the arguing, and try and ignore any moodiness on his part, hard though it is, it really doesn't achieve much to respond. Your DH doesn't sound like he is the type to discuss everything and probably keeps his true feelings and emotions hidden. Try and get him to open up a little asking him what would he like you to do? How can you help the situation etc.

I'd leave him alone at present and stop trying to get him to talk to you. Silence is golden. Then do as Oldwomaninashoe said. When he gets back ask how you can maybe contribute financially etc.

When my DP and I have an argument, he goes off. I don't contact and let it all calm down. When he returns we talk.

Thanks for the replies. I'll ask if he's ready to talk when he's home in a few days.