needy people

[DianaDors]

I've recently moved to a new city and my ds is beginning to make friends at school and having them over to play, which is great BUT a mum of one of the children wants to start a friendship with me and I don't want her as a friend at all. From the first play date (2weeks ago) I have had in excess of 20 texts from her, many that are difficult to understand (I think she sends them when she's drunk). She told me that she's a drinker, hard core frequently downing 2bottles of wine and 1 of vodka (her words). Some of her texts have been to do with her partner (she says they're having issues). She asks me to have drinks with her, which so far I've been able to politely avoid, yesterday she invited herself over by text and I was able to say no, we have plans (true). Our kids are friends albeit a new friendship, but I don't want her friendship at all. Im going to run out of excuses eventually, I think she must be lonely and have some problems going on so I want to be able to maintain a polite distance while letting our kids be friends. I have not encouraged her at all and seldom reply to these mad texts of hers. Its getting beyond comfortable, ideas on how to not have her friendship without being cruel or rude would be great!

I had a friend like that. She was lovely, but in the end she just sucked the life out of me. It all came to a head when she asked if her DD could sleep over, I agreed, and she went on a massive bender and didn't pick the girl up for 2 days then arrived with some bloke, a bottle of wine and installed herslef in my front room to carry on drinking.

The only advice I'll give is: don't make excuses, you'll just get tangled up. Simply keep saying it's not convenient; no need to offer any explanations.

The other thing is, if she drinks that heavily, then you cant trust her with your child either. All play dates will ahve to be at your house. However that opens up the fact that she will probably come to pick up her child, and out of ploliteness end up having her in your house. I would suggest you always drop her child back to her and if invited in, make your excuses.

Just keep doing what you're doing, you're not being cruel or rude. You are just "always busy" whenever she tries to invite herself round/ build a relationship. Many people are very busy, she can't argue against that. Maintain a distance and be polite and civil but stick to superficial topics and don't feel sorry for her/ relax your boundaries/ get drawn into her drama!

You don't need to make specific excuses either... you could just say, "Sorry, that won't work for me", "Sorry, I'm busy then", "Sorry, I won't be able to do that", etc.

It sounds like you're doing well already with how you're dealing with her. Like Pigglesworth says, just keep a distance from her and don't get drawn into her drama.

Thanks everyone, will take on board what you've said about the drinking too troisgarcons, I feel better about what I'm doing now as I really don't want to add to her woes by having to be blunt so will carry on as usual - I'm really grateful for all the advice, thanks all.