We're going to lose it all, H is just playing chicken with me and I'm so sad

[dizzykizzy]

I finally realised tonight that H will not do anything to try and keep what we have.

He will let us spiral into debt, expect me to go and get a new job so that we can stay in our current house, not do anything to help our DD stay at her current school, not find another job with better pay or try to get more hours in his current job. It is like he is playing chicken with me, calling my bluff and waiting for me to lose my nerve and make everything better again; like I have for the last 9 years.

But tonight I finally realised that H will never actually do anything for us. He is never going to remember when my birthday is or what year we got married or bother to buy me a Valentines Cards or an anniversary card unless DD asks him to. He will continue to get our DD to buy and wrap up Christmas presents for him becuase he says he's no good at it, he will only ever top up his phone when I or DD offer to do it for him. He is never going to remember the date of his Dad's or younger brother's birthdays.

At no time in the future is H going to stop getting angry with our DCs for the smallest and most ridiculous of transgressions. He is never going to start a conversation with me about whether I think they will go to university let alone actively contribute to planning for it, financially or otherwise. He will always insist that DD is wrong anytime she has an opinion. He will never let me have any sick time without immediately taking to his bed afterwards in retaliation. He is never going to weed the garden, fix the shower, mend the back door step, move the shed; despite all of the promises he has made. He is never going to book a surprise meal out for me or make friends that we can socialise with together. He is never going to suggest and book a trip to the theatre for us, read a book together in bed, want to have a dog or come on long hikes with me in the pouring rain made better by an afternoon spent in a dry, cosy pub.

I have realised tonight that although he tells me every day that he loves me, he has no intention of ever caring for me.

Dizzy he is making you live by his rules and so you feel it is impossible to change. That may be true for him but not for you. How old is DD? What are/were his parents like? We often play out the scripts we saw as a child because they are what we know and recognise. As other posters have said he has no reason to actively change because you are the one doing in the relationship. Love for him is a passive construct - being there - is enough. And yes, he is getting angry because you are starting to kick agains the traces of this deadend marriage.
You are probably at least slightly depressed. So, before you leap sit down and think about what you want to do now with DD and for yourself. Today, tomorrow, for next week. Sod the broken step, the house stuff, sod for a week worrying about the money. If it's a nice day pack a picnic and go out for a walk with DD, go and see friends or family. You can't play chicken if one car decides to take the first turning off the road and heads somewhere else - even if it's a detour or turns into a big adventure to somewhere different. (((Hugs)))

standing ovation for notsorted. life is out there dizzy, give yourself time.

I think that is good advice from not sorted. Start living the life you want. Let him live his on his own if that is what he choses but don't sit with him watching him do it.

You wanted a partner. You have a flatmate.

I think your extraordinary awareness of where your relationship has ended up will serve you well.

And the fact that he says "oh remind me, I'll just forget" without take g any of the 100 simple actions it would take to not forget is disinterest.

I am hideously forgetful but I would never wish to hurt the ones I love so I have calendars and phone reminders and stuff.

If you are too ill to work, are you receiving benefits? If not, look into it. Also, obviously, look into what you would get if you got rid of this man. As to the house, maybe you would be best off selling it and splitting the proceeds anyway - then you could separate your finances from his.

We can't afford to stay in our house if I don't have enough income anyway so the house will have to be sold whatever. Not sure what I'd get then if we split the finances. I think me and DCs would have enough money to live on for about a year if it was split equally but no chance of getting a mortgage until I get a job.

Roughly how old are the DC? I suspect you'd get more than 50% of the house as you are legally married, and have children.

Do get independent legal advice on your options.

DD is 15 and DS is 10. I couldn't buy something with even all of the capital so we would have to rent whatever.

I think you should definitely get some legal advice because once you know what is likely to happen and what your rights are, then it is easier to make a decision.
But given the current economic climate, is it reasonably likely that you will get a job or he will get a better one?

What a sad situation. Has he any idea how upset you are? I agree with planet; print this out and show him. For the sake of the children he should have a chance to raise his game and be a proper husband and father.

The money side is a problem but lots of the things you mention don't need money to solve- just effort and thought. He has no excuse.

I will get legal advice sorted. I feel so sad that everything Ive worked for will all be thrown away. I left a good job, I will lose my lovely house and I will lose the opportunity to grow old together with my DCs father. I have spoken to him in the past but he rejects that we have problems. He does see his "declared" love for me as enough and if I have any issues well, they are my problem.

I spent 12 years trying to get my Ex-P to grow up. We split up just over 4 months ago. My life is so much more peaceful now. I do not have to remind him of things - except my maintenance - I do not have to run around after him, I do not have to put up with him sniping about how much or little housework I have done while he sits there doing nothing. I do not have to cook separate meals for him because of his refusal to eat healthy food. I do not have to put up with him telling me I shouldn't be upset because he forgets things.

When he goes home after a contact session, I can close the door and not have to put up with feeling miserable. I can go to my friends' houses when I want. I can have a lazy day with the dc if I want. DD does not have to have him sniping at her and upsetting her.

It really has been so much better for ME with him not here. Not better for him, but that's no longer my problem. He still tries to get me to be 'responsible' for him. But I am not.

I think that you're right. It's being responsible for him that is so draining. It is like he is just waiting for me to give in.

you've listed what he wont do, but what does he do

re the hiking in the pouring rain etc etc, that sounds like you have been watching too many crappy films :)

I have just read a book that might help you - Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It is for people who enable others who are incompetent/ selfish/ addicted. You are caught in a cycle of rescuing him and feeling totally responsible. In the book she says you must focus on caring for yourself, stop rescuing them, and work to get more in touch with your emotions. And learn to say NO. Let him fall on his arse - Honestly would it matter?

This is a fairly classic type of twatty, sexist, selfish man. He thinks that you are stupid and subhuman. Because he is demonstrating by his behaviour that he thinks telling you he loves you is the way to keep normal domestic service running ie saying 'Iloveyou' is like entering the password on the computer to make it start working. Because you don't think, or feel, or need anything, you are a 'woman' and women work perfectly as long as men remember to enter that password...

Don't be a chicken! :)

Here's some suggestions to add to the great ones already made:

He puts the rugby on after a bad night. You get out of bed, pull the plug out and say, "There's another TV downstairs. I had a bad night; you don't mind, do you?" (Ignore muttered replies. "Thanks, darling" is a good reply to any "well, it's not the same really, is it?")
He says, "You will need to remind me." You say, "No, I'm no good at reminding you. I'll do it myself/get friend in/pay someone to do it. I just wanted to give you the opportunity to do something for me."
Book the surprise meal out yourself.
Don't top up his phone.
Don't let DD buy Christmas presents for him to give.

Must admit by the end of your moving OP I was wondering if there's anything left to save here. :( But give it a go and see. Standing up for yourself is a much better example for your DCs.

sorry, dont agree that having walks in the country and ending in a nice pub is something out of a film - it's a perfectly normal way to spend a weekend - and one of the things I love about my dp is that he loves the kind of day too - as do lots of people I know. How depressing, writing off a perfectly normal and really lovely way of spending time - ie. outside/ not in front of the telly/ enjoying life -as a fantasy....op, dont believe it, if that's what you want, go get it..