Sick of not mattering to anyone - loss of identity on becoming a mother

[arabella2]

I'm sorry if this is going to sound terribly self-indulgent. I know I am lucky, I have one wonderful ds who is almost 2 and another baby on the way. A dh with whom I have lots of ups and downs (going through a down at the moment which might explain this message), but better than no dh at all! Both sides of the family are very enthusiastic about ds which is great.
I don't know if any other SAHMs feel the same but I find the loss of identity and the way your whole life seems to become about somebody else really hard. Sometimes harder than at other times, but I guess this is a hard patch. When dh and I are not getting on we both focus on ds kind of exclusively. That coupled with my parents who do the same... one of dh's sisters who asked me when we were bringing ds to see them... it's like my whole life is set up to be someone else's backdrop. I think it's different for dh who of course still has his work... People seem to think that once you have had a kid that's it, anything else about you is no longer worth discussing.
I'm sorry if I sound envious of ds, I think that sometimes I am. I know that I had all of that from my parents and grandparents and now it is my turn to do the giving or part of it. I am very happy to do this and I really love my ds, but I just feel as if I am running on empty.
I can just see the next 20 years of family get togethers - I know they are important for ds but it's just all so predictable. I suppose something in me has not finished doing the other things I need to do which will probably make me a lot happier, but I can't foresee being able to do them properly for at least another 2 and a half years what with baby no. 2 on the way.
Anyway, I just wanted to know if anybody else has experienced this "backdrop-loss of identity" feeling and how do you deal with it?

arabella2 i feel like you've just read my mind! I am sahm with dd 2.6. I feel guilty even saying i felt like this but this morning i sat on my bed (dd was out with her dad) and thought exactly the same.i just thought, what am i doing for me? At the end of the day i'd NEVER regret it as i love it. 99% of the time but i do get the odd moment of wondering where i am! I think we all must from time to time.......can't beleive i just said all that as i feel guilty even thinking it How would you feel about doing a nightclass or something for YOU? My dp is always suggesting that to me

Is there an active NWR in your area (National Women's Register)? It used to be NHR (Housewives) and it was started in the 70s for exactly the reasons you are saying. The idea is to have speakers or discussions on any topic other than children and home stuff. Look on their website.

nwr website

i think that you have to remember that although it seems you have lost a bit of your identity, you are actually doing the most important job in the world( so slushy i know but true)

I felt the same until, about a year or so ago.
I have DS twins, when they were first born, I felt like someone had come along and taken my "life" away from me. Before children I was so independent and career minded. I took a year off work, then went back full time, couldn't cope and dropped to 3 days a week. I felt I had lost my identity, I was either in work rushed off my feet, or at home with the children rushed off my feet, with nothing of me left in between.
However, when they hit 3.5 to 4 years old, I felt I started to reemerge in my own right. I had a short break away with some girl friends, and DH and I managed 4 days in Rome last Valentines weekend.
The boys are now 5 and started school in September, so I have two days a week to myself, I've started taking up some of my old hobbies, and thinking of some P/T courses I fancy doing.
I was really surprised how much I missed them, and how redundent I felt, but it didn't last long, I started enjoying the time too much, but I did feel glad that I'd given them as much attention as possible in their preschool years, and I feel a satisfaction that it was a job well done, now I'm ready to move on to another phase.
So don't feel too bad, theses years will be gone before you know it, and you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you did the best for your children !!! Your time will come again !!
After all, Mrs T didn't become PM until she was in her 40's and had raised a family !!

Oh !! Sorry that should be, that she didn't take up politics till her 40's, I think she was proberbly in her 50's when she became PM.
Another mother of twins I believe !!!

Arabella2, know exactly how you feel, i'm a wfhm so my only contact is my lovely beautiful monitor. do you ever notice though how you are so and so's mum or so and so's wife, so and so's daughter or sister never actually you.

I think quite a few SAHMs feel like this. I have gone through phases of it. DD is nearly 5 & just started school. I went back to work full-time to finish a contract when she was 6 months old & worked until she was a year. I haven't been back since as it was so stressful

After having children your view of world and attitudes can change a lot & it's a great time to try something totally different. I had DS 6 weeks ago & I know it's difficult trying to imagine do anything else than look after children when they're young, but it does get a lot easier - I have a lot of things that I intend to do for me when he's a bit bigger - can't quite see myself as the next Maggie Thatcher , but you never know !

Maybe it's an idea to sit down and make a list of things you'd like to do in the long & short-term, just so you focus on yourself for a bit.

I read this thread earlier and have been debating whether or not to reply. But I though what the hell!

The thing is, I don't feel like this. Now, admittedly dd is only 17 months, I do have a part-time job (working from home) and I was feeling lonely before I had her, but I can't help thinking that the being-in-the-background feeling you describe is not inevitable. Well, at least it's not inevitable that you feel like that all the time.

First, I think your family are being a bit thoughtless in their attitude. Could you mention it to them? (good idea to do this now, and you might get something other than baby clothes/toys for Christmas! ). If not, how about arranging an afternoon/lunch with some of your family when your ds is not there - "so we can really chat" or something. Obviously the latter option depends on how close you live and how often you see them.

It also sounds like some time alone with your dh would do you the world of good. In fact now you come to mention it, I could do with that too.

And friends too - how often do you go out without your ds? Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you have to be with him all the time.

Finally maybe you need something to focus on yourself - a course? a part-time job even (and that's not to say that not having a job isn't a valid choice, its just that having one can help sometimes). Or why not choose just one of those "other things you need to do" and keep doing it little by little.

Anyway sorry if this post is on the patronising side - its just I know you can miss some obvious remedies when you're low. Hope it passes.

PS I will be PM one day. I used to tell people I would be the first female PM, but I'm even starting to have sympathy with Mrs T now. How parenthood changes things.

arabella - I don't know if your ds goes to any type of nursery at the moment. If you can possibly afford to, I can really recommend one day a week so you get some space to yourself.

As others have suggested, perhaps a course or even just allow yourself to relax for that day a week and do what you fancy doing (although I did find at one point I ended up doing all my cleaning in that time "off" which was kind of pointless - as soon as I realised what was happening, I rearranged the cleaning back into the rest of the week!)

arabella2,I too feel like I have no personal identity at the moment.I have a ds 13 mos and a dd nearly 12 years.i had just started to get my life and a bit of freedom back when i became pregnant with ds.
I was ,and am,truly grateful for my son ,as we never thought we would beable to have another child.I feel that I should be revelling in my role as a SAHM,but sometimes it is incredibly dull,monotonous and repetitive.I need to keep reminding myself the value of my "job" and how I would not beable to cope with the stress of a job outside the home.
I am going to look into a night class in something,anything other than babies!I do love being with my son but day in day out does get dull at times.I feel guilty just typing this!.
I have a bit of a problem leaving my son with people,he would probably be absolutely fine but I get really anxious just thinking about it.

polly28 i felt exactly the same when i typed and admitted that "the odd time" i feel it too!i too won't leave my daughter, apart from with my mam one afternoon a week and i inevitably end up cleaning like GeorhinaA!

i dont really feel like this. but since dd1 was about 6 weeks old my ex-mil always took her for one or 2 days at the weekend. she still sometimes stays overnight. it stopped for a while when me and dh split up, but its recently started again with both dd going to their grandparents for at least one day a week. it gives me time to myself, to clean,decorate, go to the pool, indulge myself at the shops or just sleep. towards the end of the day i really start to miss my girls.
since dd1 has started nursery i get more time to myself as her afternoon sessions co-incide with dd2 naps, which means i can get on with things here, have driving lessons without worrying that she is going to play up for whoever is watching her.

I think having some kind of break from your family and their needs is a very helpful thing, even if it's just going out in the evening after they are in bed. I went into London for a film last week, on my own, and it was great just wandering around, having a coffee, people watching. I work p/t from home and have very little contact with the real world and there are days when I feel that being really quite doolally and eccentric is just around the corner for me! It's certainly an identity thing - like arabella2 says, it's all about other people now. Dh said last night that he was thinking of getting me a sandwich toaster for Xmas which tells me that he also thinks I have turned into A MUM. Ds and dd are a blessing and a joy, but they have also curtailed my independence hugely, and that is hard. I do feel however that things will improve once these tough baby years are over. Already with ds at nursery part time, he comes home talking about other people and other things and I like that fact that he is getting influences from other places than just me and dh now. (Of course, it helps to feel confident about where those influences are coming from, but that's a whole other thread ). Sorry, a bit rambly, but HTH.

This isn't just an issue for SAHMs - I work part time and feel very similar very often (i.e. my life is there for my dd and I have no right to have personal needs / aspirations).

Would second what wilbur says - you need to plan some dedicated 'me' time. My dh and I have been on 3 weekends away without dd over the past 12 months (one abroad and 2 weekends in the UK) when granny looked after dd. Can't tell you how much we enjoyed this and what good it did us.

Thanks for the suggestions. In some ways I have complicated my own life by the very "attachment parenting" way I am looking after ds which restricts my independence. On the other hand they have been two lovely years and I don't regret it.
I'm just a bit surprised that I will probably be in my late 30s by the time I get some kind of career that I enjoy on the road (am now 34), I don't know where all that time has gone or what I did with all those years pre children when lets face it I could have done so much.
I feel quite regretful about it.

I'm in a similar position arabella2 - I faffed around on the work front and was only just getting somewhere with something I really wanted to do when I got pregnant (it was planned, but I had no idea how difficult working freelance and having a baby would be, duh). I feel some days like I have thrown a good chance out the window, but then I met someone at a bbq this summer who works in the same business as me and she had also had a break for her kids and was just getting back to working after 4 years doing very little besides childcare. She said - "I can always do X when I'm 50 but I can't have babies when I'm 50" and I really took heart from that. Late thirties is not old for career development (Mrs T already mentioned!)

It goes so fast! Try and make the best of it but squirrel away in the background doing courses/part time work/seeing friends and socialising so that you aren't completely lost when they leave home.

I think you are very tired arabella, you say that you are 'running on empty' - you are probably physically and emotionally drained, try to do some nice pampering things for yourself and do it NOW - it aint any easier when number two arrives!

Lol sobernow - I'd vote for you

Meant to say that you matter COMPLETELY to your children and giving them a happy life is a lovely thing to have done and can enrich you as a person if you let it.

Do I sound horrible and patronising? I don't mean to be.

About discussing your life with others - personally my friends are more interested in the horrible/funny stories I can tell about my kids than anything about my work! I wouldn't dream of discussing my job unless anyone was really interested (unlikely!) Do people talk to your dh about his work - I bet they don't, working is not the be all and end all of a personality.