How do I get on with my life please ?

[fortyfairy]

I posted on here twice you may remember but if not short re cap.
Married for 23 years with two boys 15 and 21. Last September DH told me he had been having an affair for 8 months. I wanted to give our marriage a chance and said I would give him another chance. I waited 6 weeks for him to make up his mind (yes stupid I know) and he chose her. I got over Christmas and felt by February I was turning a corner. Going days without crying and even able to listen to music again. Then out of the blue I got an E-mail from him asking to give things another go how he still loved us all and realised what a terrible mistake he had made (everything was fine with OW ) I thought about it for a month and said yes but he would have to move somewhere neutral and make his return gradual going out together coming round for tea etc...... this is what the kids wanted too a gradual return.

Anyway 10 days into it on Mothers Day April 3th I found a chat e mail between him and her they had slept together and were telling each other how much they loved each other. I read it and threw up.
I met him a week later and told him he had blew it big time and I wouldn't have him back.
I hate myself because I miss him so much and still love him very much. I'm so lonely spending night after night in front of the TV. Don't have many friends and of those I do have have been good to me since September when it all started. I now feel like the miserable friend who goes on all the time about her dh. When I do go out all I want is to get back home. Everything seems worse this time so miserable and dyeing inside. My boys are wonderful the eldest is at uni and was going to move out last October but he said "mum I will stay my brother has lost his Dad he doesn't need to loose his brother too" how amazing is that. They both wont have anything to do with their Dad. I have never felt this unhappy ever in my life. It seems to be getting worse with time not better.

I wrote that last June and I don't feel much better hate myself for feeling like this how oh how do I get back on track ? still crying far too much at my wits end please help me.

My oh my!!!!

I like this. He's not only as subtle as a sledgehammer he's not very bright either. And he doesn't have the power of MN alongside him . I'd do as Balloon and izzy suggest. It won't be hard to find out - he's being lead by his dick so his brain cells won't be functioning properly and he'll either tell you or, as has been suggested, you can make him take some responsibility.

'Start as you mean to go on' - never a truer word. You could bring this whole thing to a speedy resolution fortyfairy. With minimum effort actually. He'll do it all himself.

fortyfairy I think you're coping very well. There's good advice on MN, so feel free to pick the bits that work for you!

WRT the insurance - surely the insurance company have to post the insurance certificate to the address they were given - ie. your address? Are you still receiving post for your XH? Perhaps you should start returning his post to sender...

If you don't have the wickedness like me confidence to do that, then I'm sure the insurance certificate will come in an envelope with a great big logo on it - so then you know which company to call.

Also, if he has taken the car then make sure it is registered with the DVLA in his name, otherwise if he forgets to pay the tax/MOT you will receive the punishment, not him.

Good thinking, hevak - the insurance cert will be sent to the address given by the insured.

It's only reasonable to suppose that all post that falls through your letterbox in future is for you alone and, not unnaturally, you'll open it without looking to see if it's addressed to anyone else, fairy.

IMO you are demonstrating a level of altruism that other women in your position may not be capable of achieving by taking the time and trouble to ensure that the 'man who done you wrong' stays on the right side of the law in respect of his motoring and any other pursuits.

Despite the pain he's caused you, you're still watching his back for a suitable place to stab him as always.

Admirable conduct on your part - he really doesn't deserve you.

at izzy.

I agree, I have known this altruism myself numerous times over. Why, only a few weeks ago I received a large and unexpected cheque from a building society we used to mortgage with. Unselfishly i asked them to send another one for half the value to me as I am no longer married and I am as honest as the day is long. Unfortunately, since my cheating X can't decide where he lives, I was unable to supply said building society with the address to send it to, and my memory is terrible these days so I forgot to notify X of the available funds just at a time he needs it. I'll forget I've even told you about it in about 5 seconds too.

Trouble is he works shifts so he can get in the house when I'm at work so he can get to the post before me as the house is in both names I can not change the locks and if I do if he brakes in it is not an offence.

Do you have reason to suppose he's popping in and out of the marital home whenever it suits him regardless of whether you're in or out?

Well he said he would always tell me when he was coming round and taking anything out of the house but a few weeks ago when I was looking for my insurance I noticed everything relating to his car had gone and I don't know when it went. I have had problems with him coming to collect his clothes I had bagged up for him because he said it upsets him too much !

A plausible story honesty is always the best policy Wisey and it is well-documented that a life changing event such as divorce from or preferably death of a cheating spouse can play havoc with our grief stricken memories.

This is why it may be that you experience considerable periods of time blissful moments when you forget you were ever married to a lying, cheating, no good twunt.

It could even be that time will erase any emotion connected to thoughts of him.

It's a trip to a solicitor's office asap for you, fairy my girl!

In the meantime, what a shame that you locked yourself out and had to get the yale or other lock to the front door changed. Of course you'll be giving him a new key when you get round to it as soon as you can find the time to get more cut.

To forestall any complaint from him perhaps you could store his belongings in your unlocked garage or garden shed so that he can easily collect them? Or leave them on Ms Skanky's doorstep - having given him a very reasonable hour's notice of your intention.

To get to grips with your changed domestic arrangements, you'll obviously need to do some tidying/rearranging which might necessitate some documents being stored in your car/drawer at work while you're thinking of the best place to keep them - this may mean that some may go missing/get damaged but, heigh ho, that's what happens when a life is suddenly turned upside down.

Or leave them on Ms Skanky's doorstep I should have added 'purely to spare his feelings' - we wouldn't want the despicable poor twunt to upset himself by having to return to the marital home, would we?

You see fairy?

You have no need to worry as we will teach you how to whip his sorry arse respectfully stand up for yourself.

I also had to change the locks I'm afraid. And would you believe it, after transferring all X's documents onto memory stick I bloody well went and stood on it - twice! It was a fantastic terrible moment when I realised what i'd done.

What izzy said. Solicitors. Soon as.

I think what everyone says is the truth, and probably what you should do, but actually what you feel you can do may be different things - by all means he should NOT have registered the insurance at your house and if you feel able to tell the DVLA by all means but when you still love someone it's very hard to do. You are far from stupid, you are a very brave woman, take each day as it comes and look at what you have got rather than what you haven't ( i know, easier said than done!) your son is doing well and going to uni even though he has obviously been upset by what his dad has done. Each day do something you maybe couldn't do when you were with him - even if it's a little thing! It may sound silly but you do start to realise - this isn't so bad - i can do what i like when i like! One day, you will realise how strong you are. You never know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong!

Exactly poodles, and what better place to start doing something fairy couldn't do when she was with the twunt than by by phoning his car insurers and dropping him in it advising them that he no longer lives in the marital home?

What's that quote on tins of T&L golden syrup? 'Out of the strong comes forth sweetness'?

Be strong, fairy, and you'll discover that revenge is sweet - and it is a dish best eaten cold.

You're getting loads of great advice here and you sound basically really strong - yes it hurts but you kept your dignity, you did brilliantly.

So just a small tip following on from izzy's posts - when I was in a comparable situation (though not a long marriage) - it really cheered me up to give the OW and my ex really insulting nicknames, just to use myself and among my friends. Shallow yes, but you need to smile.

Wishing you luck - you will look back on this and realise you are happy.

Mine bought a new car and registered it to our home address. I sent the doc back to the DVLA with 'Not at this address' on the envelope.

because he wasn't living here any more. Simple.

I also outed him to the CSA - gave the OW's address as the address he was hiding living at which a lovely private dick found him at. X was not a happy man when they called him out of the blue and sent the papers to OW's house. I felt for him. I really did.
But I felt for me more. And the family he'd dumped for somewhere over the rainbow.

So as izzy says Be strong, fairy, and you'll discover that revenge is sweet - and it is a dish best eaten cold.

Hello FortyFairy

Just dropping into give you love. I post (no the OP) on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1163241-Feeling-lost-and-lonely-ex-had-an-affair-left-us where there has been lots of great advice. My ex left me a year ago when DS 2.5, 2.8 months after moving to Australia - he is Australian - 2 weeks into IVF and 8 weeks after a medical termination, 8 months after an ectopic pregnancy - so nice guy - for OW. I was totally totally blindsided, am now legally forced to stay in Australia and even a year on I can totally totally understand when you say how you hate yourself for not being able to move on and distance etc.

What I will say is that it is such early days from such a monumental cluster bomb in your life and you should allow yourself to feel what you feel for a while. It sounds like your sons are amazing - no doubt as you have been a wonderfully strong mother who will find the strength to get through this. Two quotes that we have shared on the other thread are these - which help me through difficult days.

The first is Hemingway from A Farewell to Arms:
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - I try and believe that whilst I don't believe it now, my heart will be stronger, I will be stronger and I will have a fabulous life

The second is from another poster who has taken up rowing to deal with the stress of her ex leaving for an OW - in one of her books the following quote just about sums it up:

"The rower needs to know technique and has to be in shape. He won't go wrong by using strategy. Yet what it takes to win races is the ability to reach inside and pull out something to keep you going no, to go faster when you have nothing left to give. There's a word for what that takes and the word is not magic, the word is guts." -- Barry Strauss, Rowing Against the Current

Good luck
Dolly xx

Lovely post Dolly. Keep rowing. x

Thanks everyone don't know if I'm up to all of this yet.

Forty

I feel for you so much - it is the worst feeling when the map if your life has been torn up and the person you thought had your back no longer does - the axis changes in a heartbeat and speaking for me I struggle even know to understand how it is even possible let alone how to process and forge a new life. My son (3.5) and I are on hold this week as divorce comes through (nit yet really got my head round his leaving - now will be divorced) and it is lonely watching the families, children with siblings - all the things I wanted and thought would have. But when this first happened I was on a plane to uk in bad turbulence (am nervous flyer) and honestly could have cared less if it plunged from sky. A year on - bad turbulence on internal flight - and even though I still feel wretched and terrified and lost - you know I was willing the plane to stay in the sky. I guess that means I wNt a life and that will make that happen. For sure I want(ed) my old life but in lieu of that I'm beginning to see that not all the possibilities are terrifying.

I also posted the following a week or so ago - prob too early darling but worth bookmarking " I'm not a self-helpy type person (possibly should be) but I was browing the web and found this article quite helpful in terms of intellectualising how to be positive vs negative in terms of coming through things - more up my street than the touchy feely stuff so thought would share - www.divorcemag.com/c/s3/?health/winorlose It has given me some food for thought in terms of owning things a bit more and I think I will go back to it often over the next few months."

It talks about what you 'need' to survive divorce and move on - you prob aren't in the place now to action - but good to have on hand for the future.

Fark - I honestly hate to know that the pain I am in is felt by so many others. If nothing else this awful ride has made me more empathetic - will add that to my list of things I'm trying to list in my head if the places, people and positive emotions I would nit have experienced if this had nit happened.

Finally in case I sound too Pollyanna-ish - 5 pm drinking beer and smoking crafty fag (gave up 10 years ago) whilst son watching inane cartoons feeling a bit low - I think the trick is having faith that things will be better rather than being better ifyswim xxxxx