How would you feel if....

[KateF]

you told your mum her grandaughters were desperate for a "sleepover at Nana's" on Boxing Day and she said "Oh no, I don't think so. One day will be quite enough"!
They are 6, 4 and 17 months and she has seen them three times this year. She didn't see dd3 until she was 3 months old because her cat had died and she didn't feel up to it and she didn't come to her 1st birthday because it was inconvenient. To be honest I feel like saying we won't go at all on Boxing Day if that's how she feels .

Maybe having all tree of them would be to much for her, my parents will only have one at a time.

Oh it wouldn't be them on their own, dh and I would be there as she lives 70 miles away. Good grief, she'd never have any of them overnight-they get up early and stuff like that

cant see what the problem would be then. Have you asked her why they cant stay?

Kate - She sounds like my Mum. If I ask her to have ds for me at a later date, she says, 'If I'm not doing anything'. This is even when I have given her a few weeks' notice!

When I had my gall bladder out, I reacted badly to the Pethedine I was given. Dh was at work, and I felt bloody awful when I cam out of the anaesthetic. I phoned her to see if she would come and be with me in hospital until dh left work. She said no, because she had some housework to do!

I was too upset to ask, just said "thanks a lot" and put the phone down . It was my birthday and they had been so lovely I just felt hurt that she was so cold about the idea. Their other grandparents love to have them stay (again with us there-don't expect them to babysit). My mum never invites us to stay-I always have to ask to visit-and spends the whole time saying "What are they up to now" and "Well I wouldn't have stood for that" etc.

Do you want to see them on Boxing Day?

I just feel I ought to. My dad died before the girls were born and for years mum had been on at me to provide some grandchildren so I've tried to give her the opportunity to see them, especially at birthdays and Christmas. Also my brother goes to her for Christmas and I rarely see him otherwise. But to be perfectly honest dh and I don't enjoy it. However, the children do and she's their grandmother for goodness sake!

Blimey! Hard one. My mum sometimes surprises me by being really affectionate towards ds. I think she finds it hard being a loving person.

Yes, I think my mum is not a very loving person and what love she has goes on my brother. Because I was very close to my grandmother I keep wanting my girls to have that kind of relationship with my mum but I think I may have to accept that it's not going to happen.

Yes, it took plenty of counselling for me to accept that too!

Just to add that DS was in the school christmas play and when granny was asked if she wanted to come she said she had to do her shopping. This was after complaining that her other DIL jad not invited her to their Christmas play.

Oh and she forgot his birthday 2 yrs running. WHen I saw her calendar that had all the grandchildren's birthdays marked his was not marked.

I still get angry about it but I feel sorry for DP cos it's not his fault and he gets the brunt of my rants. What can we do about it?

actually, kate, I'm not sure I would be offended as such. It's slightly hard for me to say, as my own mother isn't like it, but some people find small children really really hard work whether they are related to them or not. I can see how it upsets you, but i think it's just a personality thing.

btw neither my mum nor my mil would have travelled 70 miles for a child's first birthday and my mil wasn't bothered about seeing them as tiny babies either. and I don't blame them (well, i would have wanted to see the baby, but some people just don't really do babies).

agree with senora.

I constantly hear from my mum that the great thing about being a grandparent is that she gets all the good bits and hand them back for all the not so easy bits. This means I have zero expectation around her helping me which is probably the best way, then I can't feel let down.

Thanks for an alternative point of view but I just can't understand someone not loving their grandchildren enough to want to see them for 24 hours once in a blue moon, especially after years of crying about how she'd never push a pram because I hadn't got children!

have you tried reminding her she said that?

Can you try and explain to her how it looks from your point of view?

Perhaps I should try to talk to her about it without getting upset. I know my brother has tried to say that she has unreasonable expectations of small children in the past when she has moaned about how exhausting they are, but without much response.