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Original poster

Am I justified in feeling totally disappointed/let down?

16 replies

MilkandWine · 28/09/2011 09:34

I'm just really angry/disillusioned/upset this morning and could do with getting some other points of view on this.

Basically myself and my DP broke up 3 months ago after nearly 5 years together. I moved away to London as things were so messy that I just needed to get away from it all and clear my head. My ex and I still talk and he actually came down to visit me a few weekends ago and it was really nice to see him.

We have a cat (well my cat strictly as I paid for her but I've always thought of her as 'ours') I couldn't bring her to London sadly so I left her with my ex thinking that she would be company for him. She absolutely adores him so I thought they would be fine together. Lately he has been complaining about her though saying she breaks things (to be fair she is very lively and has smashed up the odd inexpensive item in her 2 years on the planet!)

Anyway, last night I got a text saying "I've come in and the TV is broken on the floor, it (I'm assuming he means our cat there?) will have to go" I rang immediately to ask if the TV was really broken and he hadn't even checked! Just come in, found it knocked over and immediately text me to tell me. It turned out the TV wasn't broken at all and is totally fine.

He is adamant though that he can no longer look after the cat. He says he 'Doesn't have time for her' Even though he works Monday to Friday, get's home from work at 4pm at the latest and has no hobbies/interests to speak of. He also kept calling her 'it' on the phone and shouting at me telling me not to pick fights when I asked her not to call her that.

I feel so utterly disappointed in him. He can't even be bothered to take a bit of time to look after a cat. If she was an unfriendly cat who didn't like him then I would perhaps understand. She loves him to bits though, follows him everywhere and generally thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread. It just seems to represent everything that is wrong with him as a person. I've always tried to see the best in him and give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm REALLY struggling now. She's going to go and live with my parents, who will take great care of her but I'm so embarrassed asking them to take her because he can't be bothered any more.

I know she's 'just' a cat and maybe I'm overreacting but I just can't help feeling upset. I don't think we can stay 'friends' after this, he's making me loose all respect for him with his childish behaviours. He just acts like a little boy who can't cope with anything and he's 26 years old!

Bah, sorry for ranting, it's insignificant in the scheme of what others are going though but it's really churned me up.

OP posts:

peggotty · 28/09/2011 09:38

It sounds like the cat going to live with your parents is the best thing that could happen for all concerned tbh. You will no longer need to be in any contact with your ex as it does sound as though you are a bit emotionally embroiled with him still. You don't need to stay friends with him either. I wouldn't be embarrassed about asking your parents to look after the cat, it's not actually your fault he's incapable.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/09/2011 09:43

Don't be embarresed - your not responsible for the behaviour of other adults, your responsible for your behaviour only.

The cat will be a million times better off with people who want him rather than people who tolerate him.

Incidently - i've got a cat and 3 kids and i've never had my tv knocked down by either of them. That must be one strong cat!

ColdToast · 28/09/2011 09:48

I agree that your cat must be incredibly strong to have knocked over a TV. My cat is huge but has never managed this yet, despite his insistence on walking across the top of it.

Don't be embarrassed. It's your ex who looks like the idiot, not you.

solidgoldbrass · 28/09/2011 09:54

Some people are really not pet lovers and it sounds like your XP is one of them. If you were always keener on the cat than he was then it's not that surprising he is fed up with being lumbered with it - at least he has asked you to find it a new home rather than throwing it out or having it put to sleep.

Rehome the cat with your parents, and put your XP out of your mind. At least it's only custody of a cat you have to worry about - imagine if you had DC with this man and think yourself lucky that you will now be able to cut him out of your life completely.

booyhoo · 28/09/2011 09:59

"It just seems to represent everything that is wrong with him as a person."

lord above!! is this for real?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 28/09/2011 10:20

"It just seems to represent everything that is wrong with him as a person."

If by that you mean that this event symbolises for you his generalised lack of empathy, caring, and a view of people (and animals) in terms of their function to him rather than in terms of their needs, feelings and sovereignty as individuals, then, contrary to booyhoo above, I think you are totally justified in that view.

WomansWeekly · 28/09/2011 10:20

you bought the cat then foisted it on him to care for when you ran off?

why should he be lumbered?

booyhoo · 28/09/2011 10:25

way to put words in OP's mouth it'sme. i was hoping to hear what OP meant by that phrase.

HellonHeels · 28/09/2011 10:33

I think I remember your previous posts Milk How are you getting on with things in London now?

You are definitely doing the right thing by having your parents care for your cat, if they are happy to do that. There is no shame in securing your cat's care and happiness. Can you not have the cat with you in your new place? IIRC you brought your dog with you?

Punkatheart · 28/09/2011 11:35

Did you say cat or lion? No cat could knock off a TV...it is just an excuse.

Have a similarish situation. We have an elderly thyroidal cat and OH went in August. I asked him to sort out some of her pills from the vet (I don't drive) and he did not do it...did not seem to care. This from a man who adored his animals (and family).

Not just a cat...a beloved family member and an indication of something bad in a person...that disconnect is not kind.

Hope that the cat will be fine now and that also YOU will be.

Original poster

MilkandWine · 28/09/2011 12:11

Thanks for the replies everyone.

With regards to those who have mentioned she must be a very strong cat to knock a TV over, that's exactly what I thought as well! As did my friend as soon as I told her about it the night I spoke to him. She's a fairly small cat and it's quite a big TV. She is pretty lively though so I guess it isn't inconceivable that she would have knocked it over if she had taken a flying leap at it? The fact that he text me to tell me before he had even checked the TV was broken or not is very questionable. Surely it's the first thing you would do if you thought your TV was knackered?

Booyhoo I meant it in the terms that it just seems to represent his general 'Can't be arsed' attitude to life. There's always an excuse for everything and he constantly procrastinates and finds reasons why he can't do things. Even he admits that he is like that!

As to accusations that I lumbered him with the cat, well it simply isn't true. I asked him several times if he would be happy to keep her and he said that he would. She's 'our' cat really and I genuinely thought she would keep him company in the house. I'm just really sad that he can't be bothered with her any more, it's not as if he has some insanely full life and busy job that she's interfering with. I would have loved to have brought her with me but I'm in a tiny flat and she's a young, active cat. It just wouldn't be fair on her as she would be cooped up all day long. I was only able to bring my dog because he's a tiny toy dog who is 15 years old and sleeps for about 22 hours a day!

Hellonheels Things are looking up a bit now thank you I have my good and bad days but generally I'm feeling quite positive at the moment.

Oh well, I guess you are all right that she will be better off with my parents. Hopefully I will be in a situation to have her with me sometime in the future. My ex did offer to give her to his brother (who adores her) But then I would feel really mean if I wanted to take her back from him. Going to my parents is definately the best plan.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 28/09/2011 12:18

I think it's the best thing for cat, man and you. Maybe it's his way of cutting some more of the ties between you, as much as anything.

You'd be much better if you could both let go of each other entirely, in my view, remembering some of your threads.

ConstanceNoring · 28/09/2011 12:23

I think this is more to do with you and him, than him and the cat.

The way he now rejecting the cat upsets you because it probably also marks the end of your continued contact with him.

Your cat will be happy in her new home, - now you can cut ties with your ex and not prolong the break up period.

Yes, he does sounds like a childish arse. Wave goodbye

solidgoldbrass · 28/09/2011 15:44

It does sound as though you decided that you (as a couple) should have the cat and then you decided it would 'do your XP good' to be obliged to look after it when you split up. He doesn't want to. That's up to him. His personal growth and development are no longer any of your business.

mumsamilitant · 28/09/2011 16:00

Just goes to show why you left. An ex is an ex for a reason. Time to cut all ties now huh?

tethersend · 28/09/2011 16:07

Look. He doesn't want the cat. He doesn't even like the cat.

This says nothing about him as a person other than he doesn't want a cat.

Time to make a clean break, I reckon.

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