I'm choosing not to contact any of my immediate family soon.

[kiskidee]

I have fallen out to greater and lesser extent with my mum and my 3 sisters over a nephew who lived with me for 18 difficult months.

back in June my mother called me from abroad (reversed charges)to tongue lash me over the issue. I politely told her that the next time she wants to speak to me, to please pay for her own calls. All has been quiet since. None of my sisters have even acknowledged the birth of my dd in April and other lifechanging events (the death of my paternal gm) have occurred since the big fallout that they have not bothered to inform me of happening.

I really have no desire to send anyone even a card. I know that life is too short for this sort of behaviour but it still doesn't move me to behave any different.

Can sage MNers give me reasons to behave differently?

no-the failure to acknowledge the birth of your child is unforgivable in my view

sorry to hear this
I fell out with my sister, actually it was a relief to accept and acknowledge that we are totally different people with nothing in common and that she has no interest im me and doesn't and never really has like me. It's a relief not to be the little kid sister desparately trying to seek attention and approval.

Similarly You may find it a relief not to have to deal with your family issues, if you feel you have a clear-ish conscience and can address your own behaviour that contributed to the fall out - we all know none of us is ever entirely blameless though to what degree I can't say in your case and I wouldn't judge - then you can move on. I did.

If I were you I would send cards just written with "to" and "from" and leave it at that. That way you aren't entirely burning your bridges.

Good luck and don't let it stress you out too much

Message deleted

Warning: long and possibly boring to you.

Suzy, the relationship between your sister and you sound similar to that between me and my older sis. In addition, she always had a sibling rivalry thing going that I never cared to take part in though I'd always end up hurt or angry. I have over time just accepted that that was who she was and made allowances for it. Later, I started to just stand my ground and not give her opportunities to manipulate my feelings around the rivalry and did that mostly by keeping my distance.

My nephew (from a different sister) came to live with us as a 14 yr old with the view to staying till at least 16 and hopefully 18 yr old. Within a week of being with us he was stealing money out of our bedroom and purse and appropriating any gadget etc that he fancied that looked like they were just 'lying around' the house. He also spent a lot of energy avoiding all forms of work (schoolwork, homework, household chores, even chores we agreed to pay him for) or doing such a piss poor job when cornered into doing any of it. He then took his lying and stealing ways outside the home to his 'mates', stealing over £200 worth of gameboy stuff then lying to me about selling it on only to catch him playing the damn thing in his room a week later. The 'mate' involved the police even after I attempted to make amends. My family though blames me for his stealing and subsequent police record - because I limited his own playing with his gameboy.

I finally decided enough was enough when he went to school - the same place as my workplace - saying that my husband bullied him and he wanted to 'kill himself' which became a child protection issue and social services was involved. Being 7 mos pg at the time, like hell was I going to have my child born on the social services register or end up on list99 myself because of his behaviour.

I was thinking today that considering that they believed I was doing such a 'bad job' 9 months before he left my house - that is, when the stealing occurred. They still let him live with me until I decided to send him back and paid for his airline ticket to do so.

Since being back home, his lies have grown. My mum called my dh a 'paedophile' to me so I can only imagine what his stories have insinuated.

There were times when my dh and I felt so stressed at dealing with him, I have said some harsh truths about his background in unfortunately less than tactful ways that every one else had lied to him before . The truth but in the cold hard light like he had never seen before. my dh had also had to fight his instinct to fill him in at times. But no matter how much he was 'afraid' of my dh. Right to the bitter end he was stealing out of both our wallets. Not fearful enough in my eyes.

It's a very true saying you can choose your friends but not your family. i have had terrible time with a jealous sister over my wedding and thankfully i have forgiven her just about but will never forget. it really ate away at me and still does when i am down but thankfully two lovely kids later i have more important things to be worrying over. move on as ultimately it only eats at you as they are obviously not bothered.

kiskidee, I do have a lot of contact with my sister, some with my brother but none with any of my three parents.

My parents didn't acknowledge either of my daughters births, in fact, my mother, step father and I haven't been in touch for four years now (no cards, nothing).

Life is too short, far too short for me to put up with their ridiculous behaviour. In my mind contact with them merely gave them opportunity to condemn me and play horrific power games, so I opted out. They don't seem particularly bothered and haven't made any attempt to contact me.

My father, on the other hand is an alcoholic who hasn't been in touch for six months or so.

Yup, life's too short to worry about negative relationships, IME.