How does a soft-touch like me explain to MIL that I don't want DD around BIL?

[IvyAndGold]

OK, a bit of background first. DP and BIL have never got on in any way. BIL has a history of violence, such as randomly jumping out of a car and breaking DP's nose, and towards a pregnant teacher when he was 18, to name but two.

This is obviously the main reason we don't want DD anywhere near him; he's violent and I don't trust him an inch. MIL, on the other hand, sits on the fence completely; she has said that she cannot and will not pick sides, they are both her sons, etc. I personally struggle to see how she manages this, but that is her decision.

Now, BIL, his equally vile and violent DP and her daughter are staying at MIL's from next Sunday to Thursday. They live about 200miles away thankfully, but come down every couple of months for a day or two. We recently moved quite close to MIL, so she has been able to see DD every couple of days, which everyone is happy about, but while BIL and Co are staying there, we don't want DD going round. MIL is Not Happy. Last time, she and DP got into a big argument about it, where she said that we were 'denying DD' and 'he will always be her uncle'.

I just know that MIL is going to ask me to take DD around while they are there. She knows that there is 0% chance if she asks DP, but that I'm a complete people-pleasing soft-touch :( I hate being one, but I am, and she knows it! Don't get me wrong, DD is not going round there. But how do I tell a stubborn and determined MIL without her getting majorly huffy and not leaving it alone? She is not a bad person at all; she has helped us an enormous amount over the past year, and she just loves showing DD off to anyone who will listen, and she loves everyone in her family regardless.

How do I politely make her understand that DD is never going to be having contact with people like that, family or not? Without sounding like a bitch, or that I'm being condescending? Help, oh wise MNers!

Two things. If, for whatever reason you don't want your child anywhere near a member of her paternal family, then it's your husband, not you, who needs to do the explaining.
but, as others have said, I also think you might be over-reacting a bit. My cousin, now in his early 50s and working in a secure unit for disturbed adults (which he loves) spent time in young offenders for violence, chucked chairs through windows at birthday parties, and I remember vividly one Christmas Day holding a carving knife up to his brother's throat.
People do change. It's still your call though. (Apologies for non-paragraphing, computer button broke!)

People do change China, but the broken nose was only 3 months ago. Still a little recent to be water under the bridge I'd have thought.

I agree with SGB. I completely understand why you find him obnoxious, but unless he is in the habit of randomly kicking off anywhere and everywhere at the drop of a hat I think you are blowing things out of proportion a little bit. It's not as though your DD is expected to live in close proximity to him for any prolonged period. It really would not hurt to go round and have a cup of tea and spend an hour in their company, for MILs sake. It's very very hurtful for parents when their children cannot get along and force them to take sides, and by constantly highlighting to her how useless and unpleasant one of her children is, it's like saying she is a failure. (in her eyes, anyway.) I think you are still smarting with indignation about the nose-breaking incident and you just don't want to be around him EVER, which is understandable, but if that is how you feel then just say that - don't kid yourself that your daughter's safety is the reason you don't want to go.

Oh ok, I didn't reaslise the nose-breaking thing was only three months ago! What I say still stands, but I'm amazed your MIL even asks/expects that you would want to be in the same room as him at the moment, small daughter or not.

Thanks guys, didn't realize the thread was still going!

She hasn't asked yet, but I feel more prepared for it now, thank you! I'll be taking some deep breaths when I see her name pop up on my phone!

Fellatio she asked, and had the big argument with DP about it, two weeks after the nose incident, and DP was still sporting a purple and black eye! I was bloody fuming to say the least.

perfectstorm that's exactly what it's like, she told DP a couple of weeks after that he should 'draw a line under it (the broken nose thing) and just move on' because she'd 'had a word' with him over the phone and it was all sorted out as far as she was concerned

To be honest those few weeks were the only time she's ever done anything that's pissed me off, but that really cut deep, seemingly sweeping DP's feelings under the carpet completely because he's always behaved himself, but 'you know what BIL's like' which apparently makes it OK.

Thank you again everyone, you've really helped!

MN wisdom never fails!

Oh sorry, I didn't realise the nose was so recent either. He sounds delightful...Good luck Ivy!

IvyandGold. I remember you posting when the assault happened, and so i'm aware of the backstory to all of this too.
I think your DP is right to not want your daughter around this man. Is his partner the one who he was with when the assault happened because if so, then you're right not to want your DD near her either.
You don't feel safe leaving her with him, and it's really not suitable for either you or DP to be BIL's prescence either.

If the MIL really needs zero stress then she'd be gaining that a lot easier by just accepting that you don't (as a family) want to go there while BIL is there. It's not like this means she won't see your DD for weeks.

You seem concerned about hurting her feelings. She seems quite hapy to disregard yours.

Sorry but why would anyone want to see a man who broke their DP's nose? i don't understand the posters who think that is ok? And yes I would fear for my child's safety and well being - a valid reason IMO.

Iggly....totally agree with you, I can't believe some of the posters on here think it would be a good idea to see OP's BIL after what happened.

I also think your DP was wrong to drop the charges against his brother...sends out the wrong message.
I know he did it for his DM but in this instance I really think his brother needed a sharp shock.

Well ladies, they have been there since yesterday evening, and MIL hasn't asked! They are here until Thursday though, so there is still time for it to come up...

mrjelly I don't think he should have dropped the charges either! I think it was a combination of constant pressure from MIL and her health problems, and a completely useless police officer who even came out and said that it was 'so much paper work' for him! And was huffing and puffing at the distance away BIL lives, so he'd have to go through another station. I was fuming, but the final say was down to DP.

I also happen to know that BIL and his DP have told MIL a whopper, in that they have told her his DP won't be missing school because she is off for half term, but I know people with children at the same high school, who have mentioned their DC's aren't off until Friday. Was itching to accidentally drop it into a conversation with MIL this weekend, but refrained, I not a point-scoring bitch (mostly)!