When to stop trying with a friend?

[Passthebutterplease]

I have a friend who has had a few set backs in her life and has become increasingly more reclusive. She doesn't ever really go out now and has failed to turn up the last few times I have invited her over (and hasn't called to apologise or anything). When I call she says she us pleased to hear from me and wants me to keep in touch. She has been to a councillor and I think she has reasonable mental health issues.

I just need some opinions really. At what point should I walk away and admit that she doesnt seem to want a friend? I miss her friendship and hate the thought of her having opted totally out of life. My kids are really young and I work part time so it can be hard to find the time though!

I think you have to stop setting yourself up to fail. If she is reclusive and can't leave the house then she will probably WANT to come to see you very badly but simply can't due to low mood, fear of leaving the house etc. She may be too depressed to pick up the phone to tell you. Not because she doesn't care, but because she cares a lot and is frightened to lose the friendship. So next time, ask if you can come round to see her :) Or just try and keep in touch with phone and e-mail because keeping the house tidy may be too much for her just now and she may be ashamed for you to come round :(

I went through a phase of being very depressed and I simply couldn't meet up with my friends for the reasons I set out above.

We do chat on the phone a lot and usually end up talking for over an hour and I did have the thought that maybe I should just give her a ring for a chat now and then. I suppose I am just worried that I'm being thick and not taking the hint!

You sound like a really good friend to her :) There is nothing wrong with chatting on the phone. You can still have a close friendship this way until she is ready to get out more. I don't think she is hinting at ending the friendship - she is just feeling very low just now.

skinned I take it you identify with my friend as I've described her? Do you think it is likely she will ever be able to move on from where her life is now. I suppose it's not my business but I do worry a bit.

Totally agree with skinned. I have a good friend with BPD, sometimes she can cope with socialising and other times she can't. Keep the lines of communication open.

Yes, I 100% DO think she can move on and get better :) I have had friends with BPD and have been depressed myself. I am very happy with my life now, but if you had asked me 5 years ago, I found it hard to leave the house. Similarly my BPD friend is also well and has a job, a boyfriend and is enjoying life :)

Don't be too hard on her or yourself :)

Thanks for your help skinned . I hope she can move but I understand it will just happen in her own time :)