What makes a good marriage / relationship?

[NorthernerAtHeart]

Hi
I've been discussing this with a friend in relation to the rapid downhill spiral my marriage is in, and she was asking whether I was prepared not to have any of the nice bits of being married. I was struggling to actually think of any nice bits.
I'd love to know what other people think of as the nice bits. Those bits that make up for any day to day tedium, petty arguments, etc etc etc.

My DH is lovely. He makes me laugh. Listens to me and is interested in what I have to say.
He knows me and I trust him. He is my partner in life and he makes life better and more fun.

There are times when it is hard and times when he irritates me and times when he bores me.

But essentially we love each other and want to be together and have the same goals in life.

Have there ever been any nice bits?

A hug when I'm sad. someone to care for me when I'm sick or tired. Knowing I'm loved even if I'm in jogging bottoms with greasy hair and baby sick on me. Buying little gifts I know will make him smile. Doing things together such as days out and talking about them afterwards. Pointing out nice things to the other. sex. Waking up to a cuddle. Being congratulated when I achieve something only he knows how hard I've worked to do so. Honesty and trust.

Trust. And not sweating the small stuff.

I've just been working abroad for 10 weeks. Female friends of mine are astounded that I "allow" dh to stay behind (like he could jack in his job for 3 mths ) Mind, these are the same people who tell me to "open my eyes" when I tell them I chuck dh out on a Friday night with his spending money and lie on the sofa gorging on chocolate and crap telly.

And doing your own thing sometimes. Having your own passions that are nothing to do with him. Knowing that if he wasn't there tomorrow, you wouldn't actually die, because you are more than your relationship with him. (but knowing you'd be pretty bloody miffed and weepy if he wasn't there of course)

Having him respect my opinions even if he doesn't agree with them. (I am left, he is right.....I haven't spoken to his mother in 8 yrs.....)

I think being relaxed about stuff, mainly.

But I appreciate you can only be relaxed about stuff if the stuff is OK stuff to start with.

nothing
all men are sh1ts

Thanks - food for thought!
THere have been some good bits, but totally overshadowed by bad bits. And it has been more that there were hugely bad bits early on and they have reduced as time has gone on, but not been replaced by good, just by ok.
He makes me laugh - I don't think he does.
Listens to me and is interested in what I have to say - often doesn't a hear a word, or deliberately misinterprets. I know lots of men kind of tune out of conversations sometimes, but....
Hug when I'm sad - has ignored me for hours/days on end before when I've been sad or upset, or got cross with me for being so.
Someone to care for me when I'm sick or tired - given me grief for needing too much sleep and then kept the tv on loud late in to the night or started playing guitar in the middle of the night waking me up. Coupled with not getting up for the kids in the night even when he is up already. And when sick - symptom spotting all the time to see if he has the same thing but worse. If we are both ill leaving me to sort out the DC and him resting in bed. If I'm ill, getting cross if he has to do extra chores for more than a day. Having your own passions that are nothing to do with him. Knowing that if he wasn't there tomorrow, you wouldn't actually die, because you are more than your relationship with him - now probably far too independent of him due to a huge lack of support in the past. (but knowing you'd be pretty bloody miffed and weepy if he wasn't there of course - not so sure)
Lots of these things have happened over the 8 years of our marriage, with apologies and fake understanding in between. Things have hit a wall now, he is trying to change and reckons there are lots of good things and we can have a positive future together. I am totally overwhelmed by the crap of the past and think I should have moved on ages ago. 3DC now. He doesn't understand why I am struggling now, to get over things that have happened a long time ago. The wall bit made me look back properly though and see lots of links between the crap in our relationship and question what on earth I was doing to put up with it.
Sorry for long waffle.

Thanks - food for thought!

THere have been some good bits, but totally overshadowed by bad bits. And it has been more that there were hugely bad bits early on and they have reduced as time has gone on, but not been replaced by good, just by ok.

He makes me laugh - I don't think he does.

Listens to me and is interested in what I have to say - often doesn't a hear a word, or deliberately misinterprets. I know lots of men kind of tune out of conversations sometimes, but....And its not always, but frequently.

Hug when I'm sad - has ignored me for hours/days on end before when I've been sad or upset, or got cross with me for being so.

Someone to care for me when I'm sick or tired - given me grief for needing too much sleep and then kept the tv on loud late in to the night or started playing guitar in the middle of the night waking me up. Coupled with not getting up for the kids in the night even when he is up already. And when sick - symptom spotting all the time to see if he has the same thing but worse. If we are both ill leaving me to sort out the DC and him resting in bed. If I'm ill, getting cross if he has to do extra chores for more than a day.

Having your own passions that are nothing to do with him. Knowing that if he wasn't there tomorrow, you wouldn't actually die, because you are more than your relationship with him - now probably far too independent of him due to a huge lack of support in the past. (but knowing you'd be pretty bloody miffed and weepy if he wasn't there of course - not so sure)

Lots of these things have happened over the 8 years of our marriage, with apologies and fake understanding in between. Things have hit a wall now, he is trying to change and reckons there are lots of good things and we can have a positive future together. I am totally overwhelmed by the crap of the past and think I should have moved on ages ago. 3DC now. He doesn't understand why I am struggling now, to get over things that have happened a long time ago. The wall bit made me look back properly though and see lots of links between the crap in our relationship and question what on earth I was doing to put up with it.

Sorry for long waffle - and this time with breaks!

Really sorry this is happening to you. I think it has to feel like a partnership. And given a choice of people to spend time with, I'd almost always pick DH (and he would pick me). We make each other laugh and enjoy doing even mundane stuff together. He's a great dad, and I love him more for it.

XH, it wasn't like this. I loved being with him, but he thrived on being with new people, and I was always at the bottom of the pile after his friends, acquaintances, work, his computers, the telly, etc. We hardly had sex (his choice, not mine) and he went back on the promise that we'd start trying for a baby after 3 years. I cheated, we had counselling, and eventually I left after 5 years together. Really the best thing I could have done. He isn't a bad person, but we were definitely not well matched, despite honestly loving each other.

I would say sense of humour is key, especially an ability to laugh at yourself and accept you are wrong at times.

Respect and thoughtfulness, putting the other person first without being a doormat

The odd screaming row to clear the air and get any niggles out of your system

Enjoying doing the same things but having time on your own/your own interests as well

Good sex always helps

Really sorry to hear that things are a bit strained at the moment