MIL hell - long but would really appreciate any thoughts

[forgetmenots]

Where to start? DH and I have been married for 3 years and together for 6. We have a great marriage and there doesn't feel like anything we can't do or face together.

The one, huge, problem has always been his mother. When we first met he was cagey about introducing me to her, which I at first took personally. However, he was worried about how she would treat me. She only contacts him to tell him how terrible he is, believes she is always right, demands so much and behaves like a bully. She has repeatedly said she wishes she had drowned DH at birth/that he was dead, she has said that if we have children and they look like they will turn out like DH, we should 'slit their throats'. In my eyes this is horrible, abusive behaviour.

It has taken a long time for DH to come to terms with the fact that he cannot win his mother's approval. His 2 siblings (SIL and BIL) are younger and still trying to please her (by handing their lives over to her in entirety). I feel sorry for them but at times they have joined in the bullying and abuse of DH and me, and so I don't feel able to talk to them. SIL in particular seems to resemble MIL and is very self-absorbed.

When we got married, she stepped up a notch, saying she didn't want any of her children to get married, because she had put her children first it was time for them to put her first - that they owed her that and shouldn't be putting anyone above her. She spread lies about me round her family to the extent where they (including FIL who is nice, but a weak enabler) believe I have said and done terrible things to her, none of which are true. She is very good at playing the victim and has convinced others that DH and I are being horrible when she has been sweetness and light - to the extent that they have called our home, posted letters demanding that we are 'nicer' to MIL. DH caved on one of these occasions and was met with a torrent of vitriol about how she would kill herself and everyone would know it was his fault.

There have been so many other instances of unbelievable behaviour I would be here all day (not trying to drip feed, but want to give a picture of what life is like). I have gone NC with them and haven't seen them since our wedding day, which they barely spoke to me on (a stiff hello). DH is low contact with them as he is still dealing with FOG issues (I have been lurking here and that rang a lot of bells!) and because basically they would just turn up at our home and scream at us if he cut them off.

My huge worry is that we are TTC. In every other way we are excited and delighted, but my worry is the DC and their contact with PILs. AIBU to think NC is the best thing for them? My DM and DF are a huge support, so there would be that - and I can't see how the ILs would be a positive force in my child's life. DH shares this worry but doesn't know how we do it - NC for all of us would mean an onslaught of all of the above, and as I say he is still coming to terms with it all.

Thanks for taking the time to read. Any comments or thoughts will be appreciated, even if they're not predicting sunny skies!

Now here is a toxic MIL/ILs.

I think you are right in not pushing your DH and letting him make his own decisions. You don't want him to later resent you for stopping all contact with his family.

You could always try in small doses after you hopefully have a child to see if she's changed her ways. If not, no great loss to you, your DH, or your children.

I'm sorry you and your DH are going through this! I have a difficult mother, and MIL, but nothing like this! I agree with the other posters that NC is the way forward. I would say that this needs to be a joint decision. It sounds like you're a fab wife, but you definitely want him to be behind this too. I also think that once he has his own child, especially since he is talking about what he won't do, he will make the same decision.

And kids grow up without grandparents all the time, and we're fine for it, believe me! I would rather miss out on grandparents than be terrorized by the horrible witch Daddy knows! Ugh, she sounds like a character straight out of a Roald Dahl book!

No contact without a doubt.

Thanks for the support/advice... NC feels right and I will chat to DH. I still want him to decide for himself, but the DCs should they come are a different matter. Thanks xx

You could be describing our situation and mostly we are NC with MIL (especially as we have a child!). MIL has I'm sure a personality disorder and was for most of DH's childhood a violent and aggressive bully. FIL was a weak enabler but eventually DH stood up to MIL and he has been the scapegoat every since. BIL is the golden boy. When I met Dh he had attended counselling (as he had married very young to a woman who whilst not violent was very similar to MIL). Through counselling he recognised the patterns of behaviour and was advised by his counsellor that any child should only have, at best, supervised access to MIL.

I'm ashamed to say that when I came on the scene (and having no experience of such behaviours) I encouraged him to resume contact with MIL, surely she couldn't be that bad!! Very quickly I realised that she was and we now have very limited contact - physical distance helps with that however. She has proven herself to be a similar grandmother as she was a mother, some grandchild are wonderful but others she is awful towards. She ignores SIL's children and makes horrible comments about their appearances despite them only being babies/toddlers. She has also tried to develop a relationship with a grandchild but excludes the parents (easier these days with email).

Upshot - it is so very difficult - do consider putting as much physical distance as you can between you all as that does help. Go as NC as you can - treat it like an acquaintance rather than family member. We send cards, occasional photos and DH will never, ever allow her to be alone with the dcs.

The only benefit to having a MIL like mine is that I now value my family completely and I have come to realise that whilst my life wasn't easy I am so very fortunate to have been born into my family.

Ischangepossible, I could have written most of that. I too tried to encourage DH to build bridges, from my functional upbringing I didn't understand what he was telling me - surely it had to be a communication problem? But, of course, as we both seem to have discovered, it wasn't.

I have enjoyed having no contact with her and her enablers, but hate having to manage DH's reasonable expectation of a civil, functioning relationship that won't happen. I think counselling is a wise idea, every day he moves further away from it and it could really help. Thanks.