DH, his female friend and me feeling crap!

[bloomingpainfeckoff]

So I've posted about this before, but under a different name.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant, we have one DD (15 months), and I just generally feel crappy, but DH is making it worse.

When we met DH had a female 'friend', I got suspicious when she posted inappopriate comments on his facebook, and he admitted that his friend was 'in love' with him. He also showed me the abusive emails she sent him when she found out about me.

Still not happy about this 'friend' I pursued it, and he admitted that she had seduced him a number of times.... with this knowledge I asked him to not be alone with her anymore, to not go alone to her house or vice versa (it was the beginning of our relationship so we were still building trust, but a woman who wants a man & has succeeded in getting him into bed, is not one that I wanted to contend with). He still saw her at work (DH works from home as a computer engineer, but goes into a charity one day a week - the same day as her).

We married quite soon, and then I was expecting. We heard no more from his friend... until DH went on holiday (alone) when I was 7 months pregnant. He forgot to logout of facebook, and I saw emails to & from her, nothing flirty at all from him, but she was constantly asking for his help - to get a car, to give her a lift somewhere and other things - he didn't help her though (and she'd left work).

After DD was born she started wanting help with her PC, it kept going wrong, although worked fine once here. DH had to take it back to her place. He did bring her round to meet me, and she was pleasant - but still wouldn't have me as a facebbok friend.

It's started again recently, she wants him to fix her laptop/pc/other laptop, and he goes to collect/drop-off. Once I came home from town to find her in our house, alone with him... she criticised my new hairdo & DH didn't say a word... when confronted he claimed to have not heard her.

So last week he goes into work... he's not been for ages & has changed his day... conicidentally she was there & had her daughter's laptop for him to fix I don't believe that she randomly turned up, on a different day to usual, bringing her daughter's laptop, on the off-chance he'd be there!

Off he's gone just now, and I'm actually in tears. She still owes him money from fixing hers, yet he made my son pay to be fixed, so I'm bloody fuming that he's had a look at her daughter's!!!!

I'm worried that when I go into hospital to have this baby (and will probably be caesarean), that she will need something 'fixing', and will turn up at our house, or DH will take our DD to hers - and I don't want her near my baby girl without me present.

To make it worse I slept on the sofa last night, as our sex life is dire, and I want more (being selfish I guess, but without sex I don't get why we should stay together), and can hardly walk today as my back & hips are killing me.

I guess he'll speak to her today, confide in her, and I guess it'll be my fault for pushing them together, yet DH wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round.

If you read all this, thank you xx

The more I read about him, the more I think you are well past the stage of asking him to end this "friendship"/reading books - you need to make a choice and if you want to remain sane, get rid of him.

Look, just dump him. She's welcome to him. He is demonstrating very clearly that he does not love you, does not care about you, is not going to put himself out for you in any way. In fact he likes upsetting you, it makes him feel powerful. Don't waste any more of your life, time or energy trying to make this man change, just sort out the finances/house/access to DC and get rid.

why on earth would you want to keep this idiot? :(

No one, at 33weeks should be sleeping on the sofa! thats disgraceful! he dose not belong to you, he belongs to this other woman. personally, i'd tell him to move out and id start building a new and happier life for me and my DC's.

no one needs a man who takes photos of his penis whilst his wife is in hospital giving birth

Oh god yeah, the cock ring! I remember that.

He is just awful, and I'm really not a "leave him" type poster, but bloody hell, why would you want to stay?

Your DH is safety-netting - if either of you give him the shove he's always got the other to fall back on. Some people cannot bear the thought of being without altogether so they do this. It is extremely self centred and not fair on either of other parties

Yes I agree - its ultimatum or walk away time.

OK, time to man up.
Your DH has the best of both worlds - pregnant wife and shag on demand should he want it. As other posters have said, this woman didn't 'seduce' him; he had sex with her. He might still be having sex with her.
For your sake and the sake of your unborn child you need to stand up and get out.

Ugh, this is horrible, he is horrible. You must be feeling bloody awful about this, as well as feeling so physically down. Your posts come across as almost accepting of the situation tbh.

If it's just that this comes up often and you want to rant about it then so be it. This is a support site after all. But it all sounds a bit hopeless. You sound very defeated.

But you're not! What is this man giving you by way of support right now(or in the past-I too think I remember some of your previous posts)? I agree about the ultimatum. I am a big fan of them (oops obv. control issues, ahem!) and particularly in this situation. This is all bollocks, you know that don't you?

You must muster up the strength to lay it on the line. You are not wrong in the way you are looking at this, you just seem to lack confidence in your own convictions iyswim. I wouldn't bloody stand for this woman in his life. SHE IS NOT HIS FRIEND!!!

Very well said yes Peppermint - 'friends' dont try and wreck someones marriage and take them away from their children and unborn child. Bollocks indeed.

PP , I have issued the odd ultimatum myself in the past. Sometimes you are left with no choice but to take control. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't but at least you know where you stand.

I was more just making sure that I didn't come across as a person who thought that making ultimatums all the time in an attempt to get your own way about everything was a good thing...

OP are you going to take control now ?

This man isn't someone I would want around my children, certainly not to have them witnessing that he treats me like some sort of imbecile.

please.

please.

please.

please leave him.

many of us have said this before, but please listen, for your and your childrens good.

Exactly AF. I agree they're not ideal, but in an ideal world and all that....but here I think OP has no option sadly.

As for you, hmmm, I'm guessing you're rather persuasive, no need for ultimatums

Oh lor, that looks a bit weird. I am not flirting AF. Promise.

PP, you are, dont lie

Flirt away PP

I have my wiles ...

OP where have you gone ? Are you going to disappear again only to come back in a couple of weeks with the same complaints ?

yes, please come back and tell us why you cant leave him! there has been a lot of very good advice given on this thread, as well as your previous threads.

You'll never be able to trust this man; he isn't trustworthy, nor is he worthy of you.

If his idea of foreplay is a 1.5 hour diatribe on the evolutionary upgrades he'd make were he to be given half a chance (an unlikely scenario) before grabbing your breasts, you'll be doing yourself an immense favour by putting a tiny bow around his 'male member' and gifting him to the other woman.

Life's too short to spend any more of your time with this twunt.

Get him out of your life now and start looking forward to a greatly improved future.

I agree with everyone else - it's time to make him choose

When you are away from him you will look back in disbelief at what he made you put up with.

No one in their right mind would take a picture of their knob for their wife while she was giving birth.

Who knows who the unfortnate recipient of that was... maybe it was this 'friend'.

If he wanted to get rid of her, the abusive messages she sent would have been ample enough reason to do just that, but he didn't.

Trust yor instincts. He is a lying, manipulative tw*t

OP, there's nothing you can say now to persuade me that you should stay with this idiot.

He is either having an affair with this woman or stringing you along. Thinking about his regular holidays "on his own", I'd be absolutely amazed if she wasn't on them with him.

He took a photo of his penis for you, when you'd just given birth? And yet you found the photo, didn't you? So he didn't actually send it to you? So why, if he was so pleased with himself that he took a photo of his penis, didn't he immediately send it?

The defining reason why I think you should kick him out, though, is that he charged your son to have his laptop repaired. You are married and this is your son and he wants to charge him? No way. That isn't treating him as a member of the family. Why not phone your son now and tell him you're thinking of leaving your husband and ask him for his opinion? I reckon he'd cry with relief.

Don't give your husband any more chances. End it now and you'll have time to get sorted before the baby is born. Please don't wait until the baby's born and you're tired and he's going on his solitary holidays again and you're finding more photos on his phone.

If you don't like the way it is, change it. He won't change. You have to do it yourself.

Best of luck - we are all rooting for you.

Sorry, should have said "stringing you both along."

Actually, I think the photo is more likely to be used on a dating website or Adult Friend Finder or similar. Has there been anything like that found on his computer?

Don't bother with an ultimatum or a 'last chance', just get rid. People who are as selfish as this man do not change into loving, caring, trustworthy partners. They just put on a bit of an act for a while, tell you you have to stop nagging and must 'move on' from your suspicions, and all the while they carry on doing exactly what they like.

Hi, I've not left yet (oops sorry I am bloomingpainfeckoff, but seeing as my threads are pretty recognisable, then there is no point name changing again.

So I've not been too well, worse still I have no one in real life I can confide in at the moment. I used to be able to, but at the moment everyone is too busy for me, my sister has just had an operation and was seriously ill after it, my mum & dad had the worry over her, looking after her son (whose 10), and her menagerie of animals, and now my mum is ill...my son's girlfriend has just had a miscarriage, my friends are just not responding to me - so I hope it's OK if I come back here as I feel so damned low.

So things have been as shitty as ever. DH is still not interested in sex - despite the fact that I'm no longer really able to partake - therefore I'm offering blowjobs on tap...obviously I must be a turn-off if he's not interested.

I posted another thread the other day, where I explained that he has now taken to criticising my weight, which makes me feel even more shitty. He's also taken to complaining about the state of the house & how DD has 'ruined' his carpet...to be fair it does need a good steam clean; she was a very sicky baby, and despite putting floor covers down, she somehow manages to throw food over these! She also is a very active toddler, and has toys everywhere, but of course this makes him angry with me.

So the woman is still here. I can't remember what I posted earlier in this thread, but I'm sure I put that she's somehow managed to find out that DH is back at work, and what new day he does, and turned up with her daughter's laptop. Well yesterday she turned up with her friends. So now as well as her using him as her own personal (and free) computer technician, she is offering his free services to her friends - and he sees nothing wrong with this. Even if there were no history between them & they were 'just friends', I'd be pissed off with her offering his services around - fixing things for free is what you do for close friends/family, but it's really taking the piss to offer to friends of friends...

So last night I realised that we had a problem if my mum (who's the one we have to babysit DD when I give birth) is ill.

We discussed options. I touted my DS as DD knows him, she likes him & vice versa. DH vetoed this as he is "too young & couldn't change a nappy".

We really have no one else. My friends either have babies the same age, and would not babysit, or have careers & could not be relied on.

So he suggests - wait for it - his 'friend'. His reasoning that she has had children, and has a young grandchild. He told me her trusts her (????). He then suggested her daughter if not (who I don't bloody know)!

I have issues with this. This woman like DH, would be alone in our house (she would smoke in hers), and free to go through my things, would be there when DH came home from hospital - would quite likely be the first person he showed photos to - yuck!!!!

The other alternative is a couple, who kit their house out from freegle (even beg for food), and are jolly proud of it. They aer happy to be on benefits & how they know how to get stuff for nothing. They are so far away from me, in terms of ambitions, aspirations, morals etc, that I just avoid them, but DH gets angry with this.

He said to me last that either the couple, his friend, or her daughter, were the best/only options for him, and that he was "so angry" with me for not "being sociable" towards any of them... FFS I've never met his friend's daughter, I've been unreasonably polite to his friend, and do not want to befriend the couple.

Added to all this his son is coming to stay this weekend, and I just abour can't cope with any of this. I have nowhere to turn, and just sit here in tears. I've also got SPD which is keeping me awake at night, and a DD that decided to get up at 5am, so I've had no sleep, and am very grumpy.

If you managed to read this - thank you xx