Mummy mourning loss of dd's security object!

[bourneville]

We lost dd's doggy today, doggy goes everywhere with her, she chats away to him all the time, in bed at night, cuddling on the floor during the day etc etc (she's 2.4).
I really shocked myself with my reaction, I completely broke down in tears when we were hunting everywhere for him (at the zoo), initially just thinking of how much she loves that doggy and what a friend he is to her.
Ridiculous - when we told dd he was lost she gave us blank looks like wondering why mummy was crying. This evening she has said a few times "buy new doggy" and "doggy lost in the zoo. happy with the animals" which we had said to her, and she has been all over her 2nd favourite cuddly toy instead. Compared to my reaction she has taken it all in her stride and I am thoroughly ashamed of myself!

I have serious issues, do I not? I am just heart broken for her but she doesn't seem so heart broken herself! Is this because she doesn't really realise he's not coming back? (She knows I'm going to phone the zoo tomorrow to see if they've found him.) And how the hell can I help myself get over it?? the tears keep coming every time i think of him or dd mentions him, I don't want to transfer my own emotions to her if she's not even feeling them herself!
Interestingly, my favourite teddy was a dog which got lost when I was little, i don't even remember him... perhaps my reaction is from stored up unconscious memories?

bourneville, I do this too - when dd lost her teddy I went all 'Toy Story' and imagined poor teddy all wet and cold in the darkness etc... (teddy turned up stuffed into a drawer btw).
Bizarre, huh?

feel for you my dd has a blankie when she bacame attached i bought a second one so there is two in circulation at the mo but god forbid if she lost it. i know she would be devostated and when i think about it i probley would be to she has had it from birth and it goes everywhere its kind of a very small part of her.

OMG thank you, I am not alone!!
We lost ted ted the other week and I was heartbroken. Dd has other teddies that she plays with but none make her face light up like ted ted. Am getting all emotional again.

Thanks, I already feel better I thought I was going screwy! That's exactly it, it's like doggy is a part of her. Plus you just live your dd's life with her, feel everything (you suppose) she's going through. Boyf (not her dad) thought I was nuts, but he did say he understood but was all very philosophical about it saying I needed to be rational about it... I know that...

What makes it worse is, a few nights ago in desperation cos dd was up & down out of bed I ended up threatening to take doggy away if she got out of bed again. She did, and I took him away, she came back out completely distressed so I gave him back saying I really would take him away (only for the night, though) if she got up again - she stayed in bed finally!! But I felt absolutely awful afterwards and swore never to do that again, I can't believe I threatened her security like that... and now he's actually gone!!

so have you lost him what is he like?

I am still trying to come to terms with the loss of dds favourite teddy, Gunther.

Dd, of course has taken it all in her stride, apart from a couple of " I want my Gunther", and "I've lost my Gunther".

DD knows she has lost him, and seems to accept that, even tho he was her constant companion.

I, on the other hand, am an emotional wreck. I'm even waking up at night wondering where he is, and desperately hoping he is'nt in a bin somewhere, or even worse strapped to the front of a bin lorry.

To make things worse, we were on a trip to Germany, in Kleves, when she dropped him somewhere in the town.
As soon as I realised he was lost we retraced all our steps, and I had to use my rusty German to ask everyone if they had seen a lost bear.
Once back in England I emailed the town hall to see if he had been found. No luck. I even phoned (and I hate the phone, especially having to speak in a foreign language!) the cafe we were in when Gunther was last with us. And still no luck.

So he's gone. And I miss him. And dh is wondering what I can possibly be typing to make me all tearful. And yet dd sleeps peacefully.

Have you read Dogger? Not that it'll cheer you up much, mind you!

I'd be like this if DS lost Bear - so we have two, and one NEVER leaves the house. He sees them together sometimes and it puzzles him

Oh poor you re Gunther! Yes, I miss doggy himself, but also the way dd chatted nonsense to him all the time, chewed his nose, lay on top of him on the floor, she always looked so happy with doggy. She's not the same with her bear (that's she's latched onto now)...
i've got big puffy eyes this morning Determined not to cry again though!

I am holding out hope on phoning the zoo this morning, if not, dd keeps on talking about buying a new doggy, which also breaks my heart cos it's not the same one, even if it was exactly the same make which I'm hoping to find... like, how can she let go of her actual doggy so quickly?

oh dear...how sad are we...

I feel like starting a support group!

Let us know if there is any news about doggy (as long as it's good news!)

Bourneville: not to get all psychoanalyaticaland forgive me for darkening the tone as is my wont!but maybe you're particularly sensitive to the idea of loss/abandonment. . .maybe you feelor have felta threat of abandonment? I think it's a wonderful sign that your dd is not bereft. . .she must feel quite secure. (Not that a bereft child would be insecure necessarily.)

I, too, tend to overreact to abandonment scenarios, but mine are very specific, usually to do with abandonment by a father-figure. So when my best friend from childhood informed me that her father was leaving his wife of 36 years for a woman younger than we are, I literally wept for days. My friend, meanwhile, was strong and copingnot sad, but angry reallybut I was the mess. . .It was a week before I had the strength to ring her and see how she was doing for fear I'd sob down the phone.

I think we have really strong reactions to things that speak to our innermost fears, probably. And your overreaction to the loss of dd's dog toy reminds me of my various overreactions--which are obviously different, but similar in a way.

bourneville, i was exactly the same a few weeks ago when DP left ds2's "simba" behind after a day out. I cried my eyes out, like geekgirl i had visions of the toys in Toy-story being all lonely, plus the fact that ds had had the toy since he was 4 months old, so had grown up with it.
anyway, it was found under PIL's kitchen table so we had a reunion only for it to go missing again about 4 weeks ago. DS has not mentioned it once, although i think about where "simba" could be quite a lot. (sad!)
i was also amazed at how devastated i was as compared to ds ( he didnt seem at all bothered either time) now he has found a new friend ( a dog toy) but i really miss his stinky, matted simba.

you are absolutely right, i think i do have abandonment etc issues, but i thought i'd worked through them! Makes me think by having a child i've been able to put it all away. I have also always had comfort toys myself that i still have, though of course they don't have to come everywhere with me, but i would be devastated if they disappeared! One of my old teddies disintegrated in the washing machine a while ago, even dd was a bit disturbed by it! She trotted off and came back with doggy saying "Doggy's all right!" :/

We went to Hamley's but couldn't find the actual dog, so bought a new puppy dog, dd had about five to choose from and was v definite about which one she wanted. I still miss her old one, it's just not the same! But, on the tube I started crying again and dd was like "Mummy's crying!" and i said "I know, Mummy's sad about losing doggy at the zoo" and she held up her new dog and said "Got a new puppy dog!" She had frequently brought him over to me to play with him with me as if to reassure me that it's good to have a new one and the old one is forgotten! It's silly, my dd reassuring ME not the other way round! She isn't relating to puppy dog in quite the same way as the other dog, but is def deliberately acquainting herself with it....

I was gutted when dd lost her ruggy too, that smell lost forever
she was fine, simply got another blanket off her bed and uses that, the smell is back too