International Separation?

[charliebear100]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and really need some opinions on what to do

My partner and I have been together for 6 years - it has been a rocky 6 years, with ups and downs. Hes always had issues with commitment which I had put down to a difficult childhood. When things are good, they are amazing. We don't argue alot, but he just seems to wobble on the relationship - on about a yearly basis - generally before all big steps forward like buying our house, having our son etc. So far, I've tried to ignore it and within a couple of weeks, things are back to normal and ok again.

Last time it happened was last October when our son was just 1. At this time, I faced life as a single mum. I am Australian and living in a small community. I have no family support here. I have friends, but not like at home. I guess I kind of freaked out and never really dealt with it. As usual, he apologized and we carried on. This time however, I never really forgave him. He agreed to move to Australia with me, and we made plans and obtained visas. He started spending alot of time out of the house and with other women - 'just friends' and in groups of other people. I guess I just focused on November which is when we planned to make the move. I spent alot of time organising things for next year.

Things have come to a head again now. He's told me he doesn't want to move there. He also says hes been unsure of his feelings for me for a while now and thinks he might want out......but hes not sure.

The problem is that I feel so unhappy here and I want to go home where I have a massive support network of family and friends. He is a wonderful dad to our son and taking his son away from him would destroy him. However, I feel that its his turn to make some sacrifices and to move out there with us. He could make a life out there with some effort.

We have a relate session booked tomorrow. Can a relationship get over this? We can't seem to talk without it turning into a slinging match. We both love our son but can't seem to work out a solution where we are all happy.

Any ideas or thoughts anyone? Am I being unreasonable?

Thank you. (sorry its so long!)

Think we have possible tenants arranged today.

Only been unburdening to mum. Shes met dp on numerous occasions, we've had 2 trips for 3 months out there prior and she came over for 6 weeks when DS was born too.

DS is 2 (just). How much do you think he will take on board? I'm so worried that he is 'picking up vibes' even though we obviously don't argue in front of him but he's been a little bit out of sorts. I guess I hadn't really thought enough about the impact of the separation on him enough - just having a low selfish day today, wallowing a bit in self pity! whoops!

I'll speak to DP tomorrow. Will try and soldier on together for DS sake.

thanks izzy for being honest.

There's nothing wrong with having a good wallow but it seems to me that you're wallowing in ever decreasing circles - which is entirely understandable given his wobbling - and you now need to put your crystal clear specs on and try to get a detached overview of the emotional mess you currently find yourself in.

Apart from anything else, the reason why I think that this (mock) separation business is pointless at the present time is that, presumably, you're not going to get off the 'plane in Oz and point him in the direction of the nearest hotel while you check in with your folks?

Once you've sorted tenants, contracts drawn up, refs checked, deposits/rent received, I suspect that you'll have more confidence that he won't throw another wobbly.

However, since you mentioned a sister who's offered to accomodate him while you are 'separated', there's always the possibility that you'll be travelling alone with ds. In a way, I feel this would be the preferred option as it will put his feelings to the test and you will have the space you need to work out how you truly feel about him.

If he goes to Oz with bad grace, determined not to give the country a chance, he'll be a churl as well as a fool and I'm sure that you'll see right through him in the bright light down under.

Until depature date arrives, I suggest that you try to see this situation for what it is - simply a will he or won't he go with you scenario, rather than trying to extract something from him that he clearly isn't prepared to give at the present time, namely, frequent/regular verbal confimation of his love for you as well as ds.

There's a saying 'little pigs have big ears' but even when childen don't hear or don't have the vocabulary to understand what's being said, they often 'know' what's going on by the process of osmosis.

But don't fret or add anything more to your guilt box as your ds was most probably off colour today, maybe developing a mild cold or something similar.