Is he being cruel or am I going mad? (LONG sorry)

[caspartherabbit]

DH works in a job where he is overseas for 2 weeks, and on 'holiday' time at home for 2 weeks every month. He had a break in this arrangement for 3 months in the summer when his client was working on another project, so effectively he had 3 months paid holiday which was lovely for the family. I was on the last 3 months of maternity leave, so we spent around 12 weeks enjoying the summer with DS, who is now 10 months. DH is very good with DS and would help with bath&bed time every night, and we take turns getting up in the night.

DH was worried about how I would re-adjust to being alone after 3 months, as we both value our alone time/break from baby duties, but obviously I assured him I would be fine for 2 weeks. I had gone back to work at the start of Sept, and DS started nursery.

The day DH left, DS became very ill (illness number 3 since starting at nursery).By day 2/3 he was so bad I took him to A&E worried he had meningitis (floppy, eyes rolling back, high temp, horrible rash all over). This was very stressful for me alone, and I have no family close by. I was told he had a severe case of tonsillitis. This went on for about a week (think 90 min bouts of hysterical screaming followed by 30 mins exhausted sleep. Repeat all night long. For 5/6 nights running). During this same week DS got a very bad cold, followed by a vomiting bug. We're now on day 12 of DH being away and DS was sent home from nursery AGAIN today with a temperature.

I'm on my last legs - I've caught the same bugs and had to manage working from home with feeling ill, no sleep & sick baby. I have never had such a difficult 2 weeks in my life, and at times I didn't know if i could cope anymore. Both me & baby have cried hysterically together, and I seem to cry every day. I'm quite sure it's exhaustion and not an emotional breakdown, but now I'll get on to DH's reaction to this.

At various times I have called him, upset/crying/stressed or annoyed at him for not having to deal with this (he has hardly any work to do, and spends a lot of time in luxury hotels/bars/spas/leisure places)

A couple of times he has been vaguely sympathetic but for the most part he seems to react really badly, basically saying 'why are you telling me this? either you're a crap parent and can't cope alone as I predicted and I need to come home because you're putting DS in danger (?????) OR you CAN cope and it's not that bad and you're just exaggerating for sympathy'

This was really hurtful, as I feel I don't have anyone else to lean on and he is supposed to be my other half....and be supportive, right? He's accused me of having some sort of emotional breakdown and also shouted that he'll have to quit his job if i can't cope with him going away (I have pointed out that it's unlikely that we'd get 3 illnesses in 2 weeks next month, and the next etc)

Twice, in desperation, I've begged him to come back because I've felt too ill to look after DS and he has refused, saying he'd lose credibility with his boss.

Today I mentioned how hard I was finding it all in a text message, and he sent back about 4 messages saying 'fine, it's all my fault, clearly i'm a shit husband and dad. what do you want me to do, nothing is ever good enough for you. etc etc' - I just don't know where it's all coming from - am I not allowed to vent to my husband about what is literally the hardest 2 weeks I've ever experienced?!
The stress of work and the way I'm feeling physically, and DS being so poorly is making me weaker every day and it's like he finds it a massive inconvenience that I'm telling him what's happening at home. It seems like he goes away and he switches off his caring and he can't cope with thinking about work & home at once.

But that's not fair. I have to think about home, and baby, and work at once. 2 weeks of the month I'm a single parent. He is NEVER a single parent. but he can't seem to get his head round that point.

I KNOW there's not much he can do, but surely he could listen/send supportive msgs

I'm also a bit upset because he's spent every day and evening of this trip with a young female colleague and they've been going to places around the world that me & DH always planned to explore together. She tagged some romantic looking pics on FB of them that were swiftly de-tagged (I assume by DH tho he denies it) and I'm feeling hurt that whilst I'm throwing up with a screaming baby I can't reach in his cot, he's spending on the credit card enjoying holiday destinations me & DS won't get to see (I'm not saying he should stay in his hotel all day, that would be stupid, but to go specifically to the places i've said we should visit as a couple (down to particular restaurants in a city) with another girl i find sad)

I'm well aware however that the sleep deprivation might be making me more emotional than usual.

I also checked his email today (i know, i know) - and seen that he'd planned a couple of days on a tropical island with this girl if their boss didn't need them for 48 hrs (but the boss said no). The message didn't have anything romantic in it, but this island is where we took our first holiday together so it feels wrong to me (but then, he has friends who live there, so maybe innocent?)
Either way, he didn't tell me he was planning to ask his boss if he could go, so should I be worried?
But if i ask him about it, he'll probably say he didn't mention it, because it didn't happen in the end?!

Basically, am I being completely unreasonable?? Is he being mean, or am i just a fruit loop????

Leaving the other woman out of the equation for a minute- what would he do if you were not together and DS was sick?

You looking after DS has allowed him to work.

Perhaps he needs reminding of this.

Your last 2 weeks sound like hell and of course you should have been able to count on him for a bit of sympathy. Yeah - most people can't drop their jobs just like that but he could have sent you texts "thinking of you" etc., maybe a bunch of flowers, could have called you off his own back to see how you are, said stuff like "when I get home I'm going to insist on looking after both of you" and so on. You know, making all the right noises, even if he couldn't physically help right there and then.

Instead, you get a load of grief for "bothering" him. Quite apart from anything doesn't he feel any concern for both his wife and son ? He's acting like a selfish knob IMO .... the distance is no excuse to be so nasty.

Then there's this girl. Sorry, but alarm bells are ringing. As someone else said, would he be taking a male colleague to a tropical island ? Can't help thinking that you're raining on his parade, what with your tales of woe from back home - bringing him back down to earth with a bump and reminding him that he has responsibilities and commitments. Nothing wrong with being friendly with colleagues of either sex but it does seem incredibly tactless to be squiring her around places you'd specifically discussed as a couple if nothing else and what was in her head re: the FB photos I don't know. Was she trying to provoke a reaction, was she staking a claim ? IMO, it's highly inappropriate to post a load of "romantic looking" (why ?) photos up of yourself with someone else's husband, even if the time you spent with him was entirely innocent. Don't like it at all, and I don't think your suspicions are due to you being exhausted.

Think you need to lay it on the table with him - though agree it may be wise just for now to keep schtum about the email. Let him tell you - or not, what possessed him to take her to "your" special places. You certainly need to know why he was so utterly FOUL to you when you were at your lowest. FFS ... if you're on your own with a D&V baby projectile vomitting and worse over and over you do NOT literally have enough hands ... it's a case of what do you clear up first, the baby, yourself, the carpet, the furniture .... even worse if you're in that position and you too are suffering the same thing. Having to deal with that - or a variety of that - for 2 weeks, on little sleep, feeling like death, and finding it a tad challenging does NOT make you a crap parent. HE is the crap parent here, for being such a vile twat - making you feel even worse than you did already. You know what, the more I think of it, the more he was angry at you because at the back of his mind he had to consider the possibility that due to this very unfortunate combination of circumstances, there was actually a risk he might have to come home and then you'd have spoilt his fun. He wanted to downplay and belittle what you were going through to avoid that course of action. Prick.

Am so so sorry and hope you get better soon.

Hi - sorry this is a bit short but I had to respond to you!

When you bring up the subject, mention the FB photo's and ONLY the FB photos. You don't want him knowing you've been snooping through his emails - YET.

Keep going through them though - check the recycle bin/trash too as men often forget that emails go here before being deleted permanently. I'm sure something's going on with this other woman (and it's not something that you want to hear, I know and I'm sorry) but it sounds really really iffy to me.

Really hope you're OK and if you need anything you're welcome to PM me - Just been through a very similar situation myself (no DCs though..)

Keep your chin up and NO - you're not a fruit loop!! XXXXX

Don't mention the emails yet...... He will instantly change password

I think priority is to get you all well again. Also, I would stop the texts. Just don't bother. Let HIM contact you

When you feel stronger, then I would be investigating this work relationship further , quietly, and re evaluating from there

My health visitor's husband works with my husband (only remembered this as someone suggest I talk to my HV when feeling unable to cope)

Do you think it gets round within a company, if someone has cheated on their wife with another colleague?

Of course it would.

He is being very cruel! Ask him if he thinks you are looking forward to seeing a cruel, unsympathetic, cold hearted twat?

Yes he does have to work. So you are unreasonable to ask him to come home. It is very hard with a sick child when you are ill yourself but you have to soilder on. However a bit of support from him by text or phone etc would go a long way.

As for the untagging of photos on fb. Very suspect. You untag when you dont want people to see, simple as that. Ask him why he didnt want people to see.

Then tell him to get his act together because you are being a single parent now, at its hardest and coping so why do you actually need him?

Awww, you have had a shit time of it for sure. Dealing with all that sickness alone would pull you down never mind the crap response from your husband. My husband works away and the worst arguments we have had have been when the children were sick and I have struggled to cope alone. I have had similar responses from him at times when I've done the whole crying down the phone thing too. He will say 'what do you expect me to do?' and feel very got at when really I just want some sympathy. He does not have a feckin clue how it is for you so I would suggest you really need to get some time off during the week for you (2 half days child minder?). I have been amazed how much better I can cope during the week now I have done that. When he comes home, engineer him to watch your DS alone overnight so he starts to get the picture.The girl thing is disrespectful (detagging photos WTF?)l. Don't have any alarm bells ringing but it would piss me right off. Chin up, it will get better but please get some time to yourself.

Thanks everyone for replying to me - I definitely feel less alone.

Re: childcare as people have mentioned nannies/childminders... DS is at nursery 4 days a week - but I work from home so it's not really 'downtime'. In fact, it's rather stressful! Nursery is so expensive i can't afford another half day for myself, and DH/DM and everyone else on the planet would accuse me of not wanting to spend the time with DS (which I obviously do)

I'll ask DH for a day alone when he is back - he usually enjoys taking DS out for day trips when he is home and I am working or desperate to rest

Got an email from DH today, just one line, how are you doing today?
About an hour ago. I'm still so angry/upset I haven't replied. I don't know whether to reply, and if i do, what to say. My brain has stopped working. Oh dear.

I would be very tempted to write back 'Like anyone having a shit time, I'd be a lot better with some sympathy and a kind listening ear'. What about a babysitter at night? Could any of your family stay over once a fortnight say to let you go out or make dinner or something. I find going to other peoples houses for dinner or even them coming to me breaks the monotony a bit of being alone.

My DH travels alot with work and it pretty much feels like I'm a single parent sometimes so I have huge sympathy for you. When the kids are sick, you're on your own, sometimes also sick and with no support

My view is he is being a prick but probably just a stupid one. He's miles away, he can't give up his job to come home (and really do you want him to?) and so what's he suppose to do, sit in a hotel room giving telepathic support. BTW I suspect these are his views, as opposed to mine!

This week worry about you and your kid. Get better, get your wee one better and then make sure you get time to talk when he comes home. I assume if he has 2 weeks off then you can find time when your DS is in nursery and talk properly. Nothing you want to say - or that you want him to say - can be handled by text or even long distance telephone. Face to face is the only way to resolve this regardless of whether the relationship with the girl is innocent or not.

Long term - assuming no affair - he needs to understand how hard it is for you when he is away and that this is normal not that you can't cope (and FWIW I also had to learn to back off when he came back, because I get too use to doing it all my own way, so it is two sided). This sort of part time single parent relationship is not an easy one to make work, and it will be tested loads of times so you have to make sure you both agree to the basics up front.

I really hope you and DS get better soon.

I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time- it's awful when the baby is sick and you're sick and you've noone to turn to. What I discovered with my dh was the more I coped no matter how ill I was the more impatient he was when I phoned him at work. I eventually worked out if he was ill he took to his bed and couldn't manage to do bog all. When I was at death's door I struggled on like most mothers and so I honestly think he didn't realise how bad it was. So I eventually learned if I was really sick I went to bed and told him he had to look after ds and he had to come home or make alternative arrangements. It was easier for him that way- no choice he just had to do it.
If it was so bad you should've told him to come home. Coping was your mistake. He is being nasty because he feels guilty- about what is a different question.
You also need to put in place some sort of plan for emergency child care so that he won't need to come home if it happens again. Maybe he could look into it when he returns.
If I were you I wouldn't give him the third degree when he returns I would do the whole I'm so disappointed in you thing - you've let me and ds down by turning a bad situation into something more stressful.
Good luck.

I am sorry but I think the main issue is the friendship with the female colleague - it seems that the H's twatty behaviour is because of this, he has detached himself to enable him to continue developing this "friendship". I get the impression that this behaviour is out of character for him and that's a huge red flag.....

agree with MAHC... can you find out more Caspar? it's the fact it's out-of-character that's alarming me, and combined with time away/friend I would honestly be concerned. Don't confront him yet as you risk being batted off as stressed out or not thinking straight.

To be honest my DH works away a lot and it is hard, and when we have DC it's unlikely he'd be able to drop things and come home in this situation, but I know he would be there for support on phone/Skype offering help and an ear. You seem to have expected this from your DH's normal behaviour too so the unusual behaviour raises red flags. Be gentle with yourself, take care with yourself and DS but I wouldn't just put this to one side. x

OK Casper what's happened since yesterday? Let us know! We'll help you through it!!

I agree that this behaviour could be the pre-cursor to an affair. Alot of men start to behave like pricks, picking fights, suddenly getting snotty at things you do that would never have bothered him before (in this case, you needing him because your child is ill, you are being needy, useless, whingy etc) because then they can justify to themselves the affair that they want to have. "Its ok to cheat on her as she is needy/bitchy/demanding/nagging/selfish" whatever.

I think this needs nipping in the bud ASAP.

I should add that, in my case the out-of-character behaviour was cutting off all sexual contact because he was "concerned" about me when I was pg and because he felt weird about it. He could then justify his affair because it meant he wasnt putting pressure on me for sex.

The sex I wanted and was physically fine to have but that he refused.........

Hello - sorry for going quiet - I've had a ton of work thrown at me in the last 48 hours so am just trying to plough through it in the few precious hours that DS is at nursery

Primary concern, health, is getting so much better. Last 24 hours we've both felt loads better, thank goodness. My mum came to my rescue for 24 hours (primary teacher, so just as hard for her to leave work, but she understood the state I was in) - sadly we've given her germs too and she hasn't been back to work since (sorry kids!)

re: DH....I've pretty much ignored him, and suddenly he's the one sending all the messages. I don't think he likes it when I go quiet. I've still turned Skype on once so he could see DS (don't want to 'use' DS in any way to get back at him) but all other conversation/txting has been 'civil' and short. Accused me of giving him the cold shoulder, but just replied that I was communicating as requested. he sent a txt to say sorry for the things he said (literally only one line saying just that) so I left it without reply as I didn't feel it was a sufficient apology. I've not said sorry for anything. I reckon he thinks that's enough though - will have to correct him when he comes home. Still don't know when that will be. Was supposed to be yesterday.

Checked email once more and nothing....found out that one other colleague, a man was in on the island trip...so maybe an overreaction on my part? Still will ask him about the FB pix though. For the person who asked - 'romantic' as in arms round each other, smiling for the camera heads close together cocktails in hand. DH is rather tactile....with anyone and everyone....so maybe again I shouldn't be surprised. It's what drew me to him originally....

As predicted I feel foolish now I'm better but I look at this thread each day to remind me how upset he made me, and remind me to speak to him properly about attitude and caring when he gets home

i REALLY appreciate everyone's comments, thank you

Thus sounds horrid.

The next time he's home, book to go away on a relaxing break alone for a few days and let him experience single parenthood.

Its possible he is having an affair and its possible that he isn't.

What is true and you must remember is just how upset you were and how inadequatly he responded.