I can't stand sex - Help!!!

[Zora]

HI,

Me and my husband have constant rows about sex. He wants it and I hate it.
Ever since we married 10 years ago sex was always for him. And now after having two children ( and two is enough for me - thank you )I am scared of having sex.

1. I feel used
2. He dosen't want to use condoms
3. I don't want to go on the pill
4. Last time we did it the condom ( occasionally he will use it if I put my foot down ) burst.
5. He expects me to have sex even after a big argument when I am still feeling bitter.
6. He keeps saying that he loves me when I feel that he doesn't he just wants sex
7. Both our children where not planned.

Is something wrong with me or him? What do I do?
I talk to him about it but it doesn't get us anywhere.
What do I do?

That looks like two separate problems to me. The contraception one is the easier one -- have you considered an IUD? Or a diaphragm? Both of these are options that don't require hormones or condoms. I can tell you I'm never relying on a condom with my DP again; he's perfect willing to try, but it's not a winning combination.

Is it possible that he says he loves you when he wants sex and he actually does love you, he just doesn't know what things make you feel loved? For a lot of men, sex is powerfully reassuring, it's the big thing that makes them feel loved, that's probably why he wants it as part of making up after an argument. And a lot of them don't notice the kinds of cues women rely on to feel loved, so they may seem insincere when they're just incompetent.

It's always difficult when a couple has different sex-drive and in your case it sounds like your sex-drive is almost non-existent ? It looks to me like you have other issues in your relationship (when you say that you don't think he loves you, but only wants sex).Do you think other problems in the relationship could be the reason you don't fancy sex? I know that personally I don't feel like sex if I am going through a difficult phase with dh (or when I have small children who don't sleep...).
I think sex is an important part in a good relationship though. I think it is hurtful if you are constantly rejected and the other person doesn't "want" you. Afterall, you are in a marriage. If you don't have sex, it turns more into a friendship or a brother/sister-relationship. If one person has a lower sex-drive than the other, I think it is important to reach some sort of compromise and still have sex! I also think it's important to enjoy sex.
To me, it looks like you need to sort out other issues in your relationship, so you can start enjoying sex with your husband again.

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I actually agree with dadslib, have you thought about therapy or counselling. If this has been going on for 10 years I think it is a deep rooted problem. Relate are very good, I have heard nothing but praise for them - you can get their number out the front of your local yellow pages or phone book. Maybe its something you could think about.

I might get shot down for this but if you are definatly sure you want no more children would you consider a sterilization? Maybe its worth discussing your contraception issues with the family planning clinic, also very helpful.

Many sympathies

Zora - is sex in general, or just sex with your dh? I mean, do you still have the urge to, but can't have those feelings for you dh?

I definitely agree with fio2 about a more permanent contraception. You sound very sure that you want no more children.

Perhaps the contraception issue is more a comfort zone you can use to avoid having sex? I may be waaaaaaay off, but just a thought.

Not trying to be nosy, but have you had other sexual partners before you dh? If so, did you enjoy it then?

Good luck... it is a tough one, but your dh must try to be a bit more considerate and patient with you.

If it's any consolation since my ds was born me and my dh hardly ever have sex!

Kids eh???

Zora, do you love him?

Zora, don't know how to put this?? Do you find that sex is a quick one two, roll over go to sleep and you lie there thinking well I spose that's you releaved then. Only asking cause that was how I felt, I got absolutely nothing out of it UNTIL I went on some website about fantasy stories and all that (god I sound pervy), couldn't tell DH want I wanted so I printed it out handed it to him and asked him what he thought. No sex is about what I get out of it aswell.

Zora, reading your message and information shared on other threads, it really does sound as if the sex thing is a symptom of something more complex. What does 'without consent' mean? No-one can feel happy about sex unless they are happy with the terms under which it is happening, whether that be wild one-nighter, or after 40 years of marriage. Your DH really does not sound as if he is being sensitive or responsive to your needs, and I don't mean sexually. Yes, effective contraception will ease your worry about pregnancy, but you still won't enjoy it or want it if you feel used. And forgive me if I am straying on to territory which is inappropriate, but obliterating lack of contraception as an 'excuse' might put you in a very confronting, even unhealthy, situation indeed. Sounds like you could do with counselling which goes beyond sex.
Who looks after you? Makes you feel good about yourself? Laughs at your jokes? Let's you know you're special? If it is not your dh at the moment, make sure you spend time with someone, friend, relative, who does.

Thank you for all your replies. I don't know what to say.
Do I love him? I don't think so. I got too much S**T from him in the last 10 years. Maybe not 10 because I did marry him because I loved him but in the last 6 years.
I am galad that he provides for us ( I stopped working when our daughter was born )and that he is there for my daughters but as far as I am concern there is nothing for me.
we argue so much. The amount of sarcastic comments I get from him and amount of criticism is unbearable. And he still say that he loves me. It dosen't sound genuin to me. At least I don't say anything.
Contraception is an issue because we are both catholic and therfore prefably we should only use natural method.
What else can I say. I would like things to get betternot formyself but for my children. They see that mummy and daddy are not kissing or cuddling or holding hands when we are going for a walk.
Another thing is that I can't forgive very easly things from the past. I feel that if I let them go I give him permission to carry on with his attitude.
It may sound quite chaotic what I have written but there is so much of it that I would have to write the whole history of my married life.