For full-time parents (aka Unwaged Workers) at present-buying times

[PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo]

Do you find it difficult to buy your other half expensive presents? Even though we have a joint account, when it comes to spending on luxuries that we don't choose together, it always feels to me like 'his money'.

no, i don't buy him expensive presents

I don't either.

no probs at all. The money belongs to both of us.
In fact although technically he earns it, I control the finances.

I buy him expensive presents. But I do have my own account, which he puts money into every month. And I can ask for more money whenever. So it's not like he gets a specific bill for his gifts, IYSWIM.

no probs buying expensive items for myself either

Yes, I do find present buying for him awkward, but we get around it by agreeing not to buy anything 'big' for each other at Christmas. The presents are for the kids in our house. We have a few token things to open.

I've finally learnt that when he says he doesn't want anything at all, he means it

I do feel it a bit when buying presents for my family though, even though they're not expensive ones.

It's not so much my husband I worry about, it's the rest of my family.

Until two years ago I'd been a fairly affluent single woman, with a large family (including 4 sisters, who are all still single and well-paid), and Christmas was always a big spend-fest. I feel really guilty spending what I sometimes see as dh's money on my family, especially as he only has his mum and dad, and they traditionally have only bought small token gifts for each other.

I do know that his wage is our wage as I'm a SAHM, and I've considerably scaled down the spending, as it's tight anyway, but I do still feel uncomfortable about it. Daft, but true.

Nope don't find it difficult at all ! We usually agree a budget to spend on each other (the same). Don't feel bad about buying presents for my family either from his money (especially as I usually end up doing all the christmas shopping for both families !!).

never even crossed my mind tbh!
we live on a tight budget but we chose to have me at home while the kids are young and I save us loads of money by cooking homemade food, not having to pay for childcare etc etc. I'm the only one who checks the bank statement and pays the bills too
mind you, we don't really buy each other expensive presents either - maybe that's why I don't feel guilty!

I did private work from home coming up to christmas to fund presant buying, not just for dh but for my family and friends too. Wouldn't feel right spending dh's money on gifts for my friends!
Even now I can't afford much for him. Nothing expensive anyway!

Nope. I once worked out what it would cost him to employ someone to do what I do, and I forget the amount but it was more than half his income at the time. I earn that money too!

Also, we have a set budget that we spend on each member of the family's present, including each others.

nope - we discuss major purchases - something that dh wanted for Christmas BUT we work our finances as such - pay the mortgage, pay the bills and then we each get the same amount of pocketmoney. If we need to buy something that won't cover it then we talk about it. For birthdays and christmas we have a set amount for each of us.

Never buy him expensive stuff. never ever.
I have a real thing about it and it does get annoying at times.
for example, we're moving house soon and need a new sofa. We've seen a few but when it comes to the final choice I let Dh have it beacuse it's his money.
Our present sofa was bought in the same way.
And the digital camera.
Our bed too.

Really bloody annoying actually.

I think buying expensive items without consulting the other person is always guilt-making, even if you are the one who is out earning the money, if you have shared finances.

we do consult, but I just can't get over the "It's his money" thing so I let him have to final say.
I don't dislike the sofa etc it's just not the one I would choose.

That's a tricky one. Dx used to admire furniture that I would have paid not to have in my house. Fortunately we were skint.

dx always chose everything, even though I was the wage-earner. I think this is a deeper question than just money, it is about where the balance of power lies in your relationship.

"it is about where the balance of power lies in your relationship."

I couldn't agree more NN.

Then, as someone who never made a genuine decision in 8 years of marriage, I sympathise with you.

We draw up a Christmas budget together and agree how much is available to spend on each other. Then we both "top up" with a bit extra from our "own" money - we both have a small amount of money paid into our separate accounts each week from his wages. I have no idea how people with joint accounts manage to work it out together. I feel for me personally it would cause a lot of problems if I didn't have my own "private" money.

I sometimes wonder whether dh feels at all hard-done-by, because since givng up (paid) work, my presents to him have always been cheaper than his presents to me. But, TBH, if he wanted something expensive then he would get it - he's not a skinflint. Likewise if we both wanted whatever it was. It's just the one-sided decision I find difficult to make.

Interesting about the balance of power business. We seem to be on fairly level standing on most things, but I do let dh make all the financial decisions, mostly because I don't find it interesting enough to make the effort to understand. Which, I suppose, means that I am handing over 'power' to him.

We see our money as 'OUR' money. DH works to earn it but I work bloody hard at home to keep everything together.
I don't have a problem buying DH expensive presents as he works hard all year and he deserves to have nice things. We don't spend much money on ourselves during the year.
Having said that I find it hard to justify buying myself expensive things ... just a mum thing I suppose ...

We have a joint account and everything goes into it. I earn more than dh but it doesn't occur to me that this is anything other than our joint money. When I was a sahm and he worked it was the same and when he was a sahd and I worked it was the same - we're a family unit and everything is our joint responsibility/earnings.