I am in a mess and I just don't know what to do for the best. I have name changed for this because I think my daughter has worked out my user name. I have been married for almost 7 years and tbh most of it has been pretty miserable. When I met my husband I had 3 children from a previous relationship. DS was 5 months and DD1 was 6, DD2 was 5. Less than a year before I had been forced to live in a safe house because of my violent ex-partner who would scream at me and shove me. I moved to be near my father because of the volatile relationship and got myself sorted out and had my baby by myself. I adored him and my daughters but I didn't understand the pain and rejection I would feel - he didn't want to see the baby or my daughters and got his new girlfriend to answer the phone when I rang to tell him about DS.
When DS was 5 months old I met my husband. He was kind, hardworking and wanted a family. He adored me. I wasn't in love with him, but I married him because I liked him and wanted to have a proper family for my children. I very quickly realised I'd made a mistake. I tried to tell my one source of social support who was my sister, but she basically said that I had made my bed and would have to lie in it. I felt so trapped. However, with no other options that I could see at the time, I bowed to pressure and stayed with him. I was soon pregnant and I was terribly miserable. DS2 was born 2 months early and ill and I had told my husband to leave a few days before because I didn't love him.
We ended up back together anyway because I had an emergency c-section and I had to take care of 3 children and visit DS2 everyday in SCBU. Somehow, we scraped along for another 18 months, I was heavily medicated because I was so depressed. We rarely had sex, but I conceived again. We were better for a while, I think we were both determined that this baby would be as healthy as possible. DD3 was born and I was sterilised afterwards. My life was so hard for a while. I had to take care of 5 children, decorate a house, go to college and do voluntary work, while my husband was studying and watching DVDs.
I started University and things improved between us so much that we retook our wedding vows. My sterilisation failed and I became pregnant again. I actually fell in love with him and I was so happy. However, after the birth of DS3, everything has changed. I discovered that he has been addicted to porn or years, emailing other women and has transvestite fetishism. I wanted to get a divorce, mainly because it has dawned on me that I don't know him at all. I cannot trust him in any way, but I have health problems and I can't manage on my own. My Dad's dead and I don't see my sister any more. I have some friends but nowhere to go. We have a big mortgage on student incomes and we can't afford to lose the house. I don't expect any sympathy, I know I should never have married him, but I am scared that this is my life now and I am trapped. He has never hurt me physically, but the mental scars are massive. I told him in the beginning I had made a mistake, but he wouldn't leave and simply said that it was now his home too. Sorry it's so long - just needed to say it somewhere.