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Relationships

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Original poster

Male friends

22 replies

MrsSatsuma · 24/09/2011 21:30

I've always got on well with men as friends - often better than with women, though I do also have close female friends. I've developed a friendship over the past few months with a man who is now probably the closest friend I've got. I really enjoy spending time with him, and feel I can talk to him about anything.

DH knows him and knows we are friends and seems ok with it. He is single. I have no 'inappropriate' feelings for him but I do prefer seeing him without DH, as I would my female friends, so we can talk. I'm just worried people might get the wrong idea. I don't want DH to feel uncomfortable but I don't want to lose this friend.

I'd be interested to hear of others' experiences in similar situations. The only other close male friend I've had, I ended up marrying..!

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 24/09/2011 21:40

Are you sure your new male friend thinks of you only as a friend?

Original poster

MrsSatsuma · 24/09/2011 21:57

Yes. He came out of a marriage of quite a few years a while ago and isn't even considering anything else. I'd never take advantage - or jeopardise my marriage!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSatsuma · 24/09/2011 22:41

Anyone..?!

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 24/09/2011 22:44

Well, if you definitely only have platonic feelings for this friend and you're sure he definitely only has platonic feelings for you, and if your DH is fine about it all, then what's the problem?

If all concerned really are as okay with it as your OP suggests, then the only thing you seem to be worried about is what other people will think. To which i can only say: who gives a shit what other people think?

1catherine1 · 24/09/2011 22:53

Are you sure you only think of him as a friend? Seems odd that you are worrying about what people think unless someone has already said something.

Although... I say this and it is a little of pot calling the kettle. I don't have close male friends for this very reason. My OH is fantastic and very trusting but my EX wasn't and I'm emotionally damaged because of it and now having a male friend makes me feel extremely guilty as before this was forbidden. Now I have a couple of good male friends (not really close) but I don't meet up with them often but then my OH is my best friend and my DD is my world.

Have you spoken to your DH about this? You say he seems ok with it but have you actually asked him? If he is ok with it then I see no reason why you should be worrying. It is all down to how strong your relationship is.

Roseflower · 24/09/2011 22:55

Are you closer to your friend or your DH?

Original poster

MrsSatsuma · 25/09/2011 00:01

Not sure exactly what you mean. I don't tell my friend anything I don't tell my DH. However I am enjoying doing things without DH as I've never really done that, and I like feeling like me again, rather than just half of a pair. My DH does everything right, but I need me time - which is where my friend comes in.

OP posts:

Roseflower · 25/09/2011 00:06

I just wondered if you told you friend everything, but not DH. Which might have signalled something more than a friendship ...but seems thats not the case. If everyone is ok with it then don't worry. DH has loads of female friends but I would only worry if he ever felt emotionally closer to them and confided them in more than me.

carpwidow · 25/09/2011 00:09

What led you to write the OP? Reflect. Why did you seek advice on here? What is it that REALLY concerns you?

Original poster

MrsSatsuma · 25/09/2011 00:22

Honestly? It scares me a bit that the last time I was emotionally close to a man, I ended up falling for him. That was my DH. And I've been feeling detached from him recently...but I need a friend! (and my friend is not the cause of the detachment. I don't know what is.)

OP posts:

Roseflower · 25/09/2011 00:27

I dont know why but something about the way you write makes me think you already have feelings starting... I cant place my finger on it

But only you know yourself, and Im probably totally wrong.

Pan · 25/09/2011 00:43

agree with Roseflower. Why bother starting a thread if it's a non-event?

I'd just be v. careful and be fully self-aware.

amberlight · 25/09/2011 08:51

As I understand it, the biggest warning signs are that you'd feel attracted to your friend, that you'd share a lot of emotional details about your relationship with your DH with him (not just 'wow, I have the most amazing husband!'), and that you'd hide aspects of the relationship from your DH in guilty ways. If you're feeling distant from DH at the moment, then the advice to be wary is very well given. I'd say keep the friendship, but find a way to make it absolutely clear to your male friend that you are committed to your marriage and wish this to be just as a friendship?

Original poster

MrsSatsuma · 25/09/2011 17:02

There's definitely no expectation but friendship from him. What I'm finding difficult is the fact that I don't tell him anything I wouldn't tell a female friend, yet I feel guilty telling him things, whereas with a female friend I wouldn't. I don't know why I feel guilty though because I don't think I've done anything wrong?! How common is it to have male friends you confide in?!

OP posts:

amberlight · 25/09/2011 18:51

I have plenty of male friends I confide in, but there again I'm not of the same sexuality as the majority of people, so in theory I guess I shouldn't be confiding in female friends. The odd thing is that society doesn't mind me doing so at all...but generally it objects to women confiding in men or vice-versa.

It's weird to have any friendship where people just talk about the weather or the state of the economy - those aren't friendships, those are just acquaintances. It's when sexual attraction happens that there needs to be extreme care?

Kayzr · 25/09/2011 19:00

I think I have 2 very close friends. One male an one female. I can talk to either of them about anything and everything.

My DP works away for 5 weeks so I often have 1 or both of them round for an evening. DP is fine with it but I do feel a bit more guilty about my male friend bring round on his own as people we know do say stuff about it. But I'm fine, DP is fine and there would never be anything other than friendship there.

Kayzr · 25/09/2011 19:02

Useless typing. I meant 'and' and 'being'

barkwithnobite · 25/09/2011 19:14

I think there should always be boundaries with male friends.....it never remains totally platonic if you get too close....it's hormonal...a straight woman can have a best female friend and tell them absolutely everything without being attracted to them. With male friends, hormones get involved, and it's always ends up being more than friends. Unless he is gay or boundaries are clearly in place.....this is based on my personal experience, so others may feel different. Both of my best male friends came unto me eventually. The other really close male friend I have is gay, and the fourth one, I never see regularly on my own....
I can tell a female friend all my woes, but with a man, u always get to the point where u start comparing ur OH to him, and it gets dangerous.

Original poster

MrsSatsuma · 25/09/2011 20:19

Hmm.. Interesting, bark... Does the majority agree with this? Is it possible to have an emotionally close, platonic friendship with a straight man without there being attraction?

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 25/09/2011 20:27

I've got four very close male friends. All of whom I know from school days and now we all live in the same city, so we still see a lot of each other.

Over the 15 years I've known them, all but one of them has made a move on me.

Luckily I've managed to maintain the friendships with all of them despite things getting a bit 'weird' at times. Now they are all in very long term relationships themselves. And I think now that the water has been tested between us and found to be too hot, it'll never happen again. So no harm done and their partners and mine definitely don't have anything to worry about.

But, IME, there always comes a time in a male/female relationship when one party thinks, 'hmmmm...maybe...?'.

OP, I also think you're feeling a bit unsettled because you find yourself in the same scenario that you were in when you met your husband. So I suppose on some level your 'template' is: male/female relationship = ultimately getting together.

It doesn't have to necessarily be so. But I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself about your feelings and keep checking in with them to make sure you're not slipping into dangerous territory.

carpwidow · 25/09/2011 22:36

Put your hand on your heart MrsSatsuma and tell me that you wouldn't be absolutely gutted if, the next time you met him for a drink, he told you he had met a woman who was the love of his life and wanted you to meet her. And be honest :)

Curiousmama · 25/09/2011 22:40

I have a very close male friend. Have a few actually but one in particular. We're off to the seaside together at the weekend. Dp will be in bed after nightshift and dss are with their dad. There's absolutely no attraction.

But methinks you do have some stirrings?

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