DH stays out at least one night almost every weekend

[cvchap]

Every time you go out at the weekend and stay out you make me feel like complete and utter crap.

We live fairly far away from family and friends. So, when my DH goes out for a drink etc he tends to stay over with his brother/cousin etc.

I HATE this. I hated this before we had children and shouldn't have taken it, but I did. Now we have a child and he's back into the same old pattern. Our son is one.

We don't have much money so a cab home would be too pricey. Once in a while he'll only have one drink and will drive home, but 3 weekends out of four he stays out.

He seems to think it's acceptable because we can't afford the £25 cab fare.

He's an intelligent person. I know that he can see that his actions are out of order and that his actions are one of a single person. Not a man with a partner and a child to consider. However, tonight it's much the same. He's out and will toddle home tomorrow hung over.

When I moan he tries to give me a cuddle and say ?but I love you?. I can't help thinking that just because he loves me it doesn?t mean that he can treat me like crap. Actions speak louder than words.

He is a good guy. A good Dad and has made lots of lifestyle choices to be a better man/Dad. I love him for this, but I think he's creeping back into his old ways. Out every weekend. With me spending Saturday after Saturday spent at home alone.

I feel lonely, let down, upset, rejected and basically wondering what the hell our relationship is about.

I warned him the other week not to repeat his Dad?s mistakes. Ie to treat his wife like crap and take her for granted for years only to have her leave him. I will end up walking if this carries on and he'll end up all bitter and miserable just like his Dad. He listened, but still went out and is out again this weekend.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? If it was say once a month I wouldn't have that much of an issue. I'm quite understanding! But it's literally every weekend. How the hell do I make him realise how this makes me feel??? And more importantly how do I get him to change his priorities???

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest.

I don't think a good Dad fucks off every weekend and gets drunk with his mates and doesn't come home, and if you can't afford the £25 cab fare, you can't afford for him to be out pissing your money away every week.

Have you sat him down and told him exactly how he makes you feel? Not just to not repeat his father's mistakes, but that you 'feel lonely, let down, upset, rejected and basically wondering what the hell our relationship is about. ' That he's behaving like a single man, and that's not acceptable when you have a wife and child at home.

Rest assured thar you are NOT being unreasonable. I'm afraid I think you have to tackle this hard and head on. My (now very reasonable and pretty all-round-fab) DP was like this during my pregnancy with our first, and up until ds was about 6-9 months. The only way you can get him to see sense is to tell him you won't put up with it and follow through. I chucked my dp out, was so so hard and he almost fell apart. His life unravelled around him when he realised that all he had left was the partying, and he realised slowly what he had to lose. I'm afraid I shrugged my shoulders at him eventually and got on with my life-though of course I gave him another chance after a long old time or we wouldn't be here now.

I strongly strongly believe this is the only way-cold turkey, and if he's going to grow up he will. And if he's not you will know that he's a loser and will never be there for you and your child and you'll be better off without him.

You must let him know that you are prepared to leave him
if things don''t change. You must me it.

mean

I have heard this story so many times on here before and to me the answer is staring you in the face-him-I am going out on fri-you no you are not-him-yes I am. Cue fri night-you pre-empt him and an hour before he is due to leave you smile sweetly,hand the baby over and walk out the door.
Stay at your mums,stay with friends. Repeat until he gets the message.

It has worked for two friends of mine whose relationships were on the verge of meltdown. No point trying to reason with him or telling him how upset you are-you have done that,it didnt work and now he thinks you are a pushover/mug. Please prove him wrong.

But pink4ever, then he will think "Oh you're going out with YOUR friends, so I'll go out with MINE."

Yea each 1 in 4, let him taste the medicine 1st.

Sorry but this is not the actions of a 'good husband' or 'good dad'. Since dc was born 3 yrs ago I have not been 'out' without dw once and wouldnt consider it. Couples do things together.
He is an inconsiderate selfish git.
Things will only get worse if you dont do something about it.
Are you sure he is with family? Sounds way too iffy to me.

"Since dc was born 3 yrs ago I have not been 'out' without dw once and wouldnt consider it."

What, really?

I don't think there's anything wrong with going out without ones spouse. Not every weekend but surely once in a while is acceptable?

I think to say you havent been out in 3 years without your wife is abit OTT. My hubby and I both have nights out with friends a couple of times a month be it a meal, a few drinks, a round of golf, a footy match or a few beers in the local. I love him to death but we all need our space.

In answer to the question though he is been unreasonable and it needs to stop. I agree once a month wouldnt be so bad if you knew he was definately with brother/cousin/male friends but 3/4 is practically behaving like a single bloke.

Do what the other person said and you leave him with the children whilst you go out, a taste of his own medicine might make him re-think things x

dear op

when do you go and see freinds and family and go stop over?

When do you get to see your friends? It's actually vital for a couple to have time to socialise separately, everyone needs time to themselves. And a SAHM with young children really really needs a slot of free time each week to do something that's just for her.
Unfortunately selfish men often only really show their selfishness when the first baby comes along - they just expect their wives to take on all the responsibility.

Well said Peppermint

"I feel lonely, let down, upset, rejected and basically wondering what the hell our relationship is about. "

I assume that this is what you have told him, when you have spoken about it?

Make your own arrangements and tell him you will be going out
or
Next time, have plans and go out just before he does, with a gf, to a friend's house, anything.

Then talk to him again about the importance of both of you having occasional time with your mates, but also the importance of you not being abandoned most weekends while he pursues his great night out.

I dont think he is doing anything out of order?
You/he live away from people and you BOTH need to socialise. he happens to stay there so what? seems sensible to me - but you should do it alternate times so you both get a break and a chance to see friends/family