A policeman once told dh I was unstable and now he was uses it to threaten me

[HookADuck]

About 6yrs ago, pre children, dh and I had an argument, I slapped him - not proud of it and I'm not going to give the reasons why as I'm not going to try and justify it as whatever had happened I shouldn't have done it. He was left with a red mark.

DH called the police, I was arrested but not charged. Nothing similar has happened since.

However the policeman who took dhs statement told him I was clearly unstable. I obviously do not agree with this and do not think one wrong act counts as being unstable. I care little for what this policeman said, he only heard one side (his involvement only went as far as taking dhs statement) and he isn't in a professional position to judge my mental stability.

However, for watever reason, dh clings onto this everytime we have a disagreement he raises it to the point where I am so very very fed up with up it. He even goes so far as to get his phone out and threaten to phone the police. I ignore him, tell him to do as he pleases.

However atm we are going through very stressful times, finances are causing us many problems and there is a strong chance we could split (I actually wouldn't mind a trial separation but he refuses to leave the house and I have no where to stay with the children) Last night was a row over money yet again. He didn't like what I was saying (he should spend less money on beer and socialising and more on the children) so he threatened the police again. I honestly think he believes that if he classes me as 'unstable' he can get the children taken away from me.

I cannot get it through to him that an off the cuff remark from a policeman many years ago counts for nothing and he needs to stop these stupid childish threats all the time.

yes, its just a phone call

does he seriously know where every penny goes?

can;t you take an extra tenner and tell him the shopping cost 40 quid not 30 kind of thing?

please make an appointment to speak to a CAB advisor. they are very overstretched so this might take some time. best do it sooner than later

lots of CAB info here

child benefit and tax credits are supposed to be paid to the main carer so that they don't get pissed away on beer. You don't need his permission to set up another account and get control back of the money that's intended to be for looking after the children. Listen to rabbitpie - she's making a lot of sense.

and think about talking this through with Women's Aid - it sounds like there's a lot going on you haven't told us about, and maybe you need some help to see what he's doing and get your fight back.

Good luck.

We shop online so shopping money comes straight out of the bank.

There really is very little spare cash so its not hard to see where money has been spent where it shouldn't.

ok so it's your bank account. you can if you want simply open another account and transfer all the funds in that account to the new one and leave. then you call the mortgage people and say, i've left what do i do now etc.

there will be financial fallout etc it's true but my feeling is it's only going to get worse - he's running up debts behind your back right? the longer you are married the more and more debt that is accumulating that you can be held responsible for. so even though yes you will have financial problems from splitting you will be cutting your losses before you have even more debts. the absolute worst comes to worst then you go bankrupt and start again but hopefully it doesn't come to that.

just get out of there. whatever comes you can deal with. don't stay to be bullied and dragged down into further financial ruin. get out and regain control.

and cite on your application for divorce if it's possible that his secretly getting you into debt and refusing to take proper financial responsibility for his children is the main reason you are splitting. make it officially known that he has been taking out all this debt behind your back and without your consent.

Women's Aid have a 24 hour helpline - 0808 2000 247 Use it to get advice and support to help you find yourself again.

As for his threats to call the police, tell him to go ahead because you can have nothing to fear from what a policeman allegedly told him years ago while he'll be seen for the twat that he is.

FWIW, if any party is unstable in your marriage it ain't you.

If he is running up debts you should really see if you can get the mortgage changed. You can have one where you both jointy own 100% of the mortgage or one where you each own 50%. So if he has debts your half of the equity is protected. You'd need his agreement.

This may sound random, but I think you have to go sneaking around now. If money is disappearing, he is running up debts and you can't see where it is going, he could possibly, maybe, not certainly, be gambling it. Many of the families of gamblers don't know where it is going for years.

It is also very common for them to make their partners feel as if they are going nuts to cover up for them, play games to belittle the partners, start rows so they can flounce out of the house to go drinking/gambling.

It's a bit sniffy to me, a few warning bells right now nothing more but might be worth having a look into it.

He won't stop doing this. He is the type that found a 'stick to beat you with' and will use it against you for ever more.

You get sick of it, in the end, don't you, it brings you down - added to that he's bringing you down financially.

The others are right. You don't have to be trapped.

You might want to ask him what kind of a man would chose to have children with a mentally unstable woman.

Should shut him up. Maybe.

Does he now see how unstable that would make him?

not that I think for a second you're unstable

Hookaduck this man is emotionally abusing you and financially abusing you. So hes threatened to take all his money and leave you and the kids without. What a fucking prince! Running up debts behind your back which you could be held partly responsible for and controlling you by threatning to leave you with no money is financial abuse.You would be better off without this "man"
And i do wonder about that policemans motives calling you unstable.
Cant help wondering how he treats his wife!

What kind of man would call the police over a one-off incident involving a slap? I mean, I understand that a man can be a victim of domestic violence - eg: sustained abuse over a period of time which has become a pattern of behaviour. But a row over something when you slapped him - for god's sake, how about telling him to grow a pair?

Last time I had a row with my partner I whacked him over the head with my handbag. It was quite funny in hindsight and afterwards he admitted that I had quite a good aim! Now we both laugh about it. Also, he admits he deserved it. Calling the police - completely nuts. I agree with other posters that you are the one being abused here.

Also, surely a policeman called to such an incident (which sounds ludicrous) would simply file a report along the lines of minor domestic incident. It is not his job to make a psychiatric report.

You were arrested over a slap - I find that extraordinary in the context of a domestic row. Don't the police have better things to do?

Next time he threatens to call the police, threaten to call Women's Aid. Or, as other posters have written, call them anyway. Honestly, he sounds nuts.

You may be able to use a solicitor by saying it's for advice re accomodation for your children....for free.

sorry I have not read the whole thread yet, but I agree with rabbitpie. Also, you can get cashback on your debit card when shopping..... a little bit here and there should help, just dont forget to shred the receipts!