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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to be a teenager lurking?

48 replies

BerryNice · 22/09/2011 23:52

I have been lurking on mumsnet for a while now, even though I am a teenage girl. My mum left when I was younger, and I like reading things on here about how much you all love your children, and even though it does upset me, it reassures me that not many children will have to experience what I did.

I do genuinely have one question though, and I feel like you are the right people to ask. Would you ever be able to leave your children? I ask this because I still, years later, can't wrap my head around how my mum could just GO. Do you have unconditional love for your children? Does every mother? I'm scared that I will make a bad mum now because of what mine did.

Sorry, if this is in the wrong place, but I would really appreciate some responses. Thank you.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 22/09/2011 23:55

YANBU

Someone mentioned earlier on a thread about a post very similar to the one you just made. I think they said they'd always remember it.

Not sure how long ago it was, but at least you know you're not the only one.

squeakytoy · 22/09/2011 23:59

I dont know, I dont have children, and I dont think I could leave them if I did... BUT.. my own birth mother left her two sons, had me (with a different bloke) and then had me adopted too.. so I have struggled all my life to wonder what sort of person she was.

I also know a few people whose circumstances have meant the only viable option was leaving behind their children, so I would never judge without knowing both sides.

I would also say for certain that it is not genetic.. just because it happened to you definately does not mean you will follow the same path. If anything, your experience could mean you are an even better mum than you think you will be! :)

devonshiredumpling · 22/09/2011 23:59

dont worry sounds like you have been through a lot . i was sixteen when my mum scarpered but i now have two wonderful kids . i have my mil a good source of advice and a listening ear . i feel at this time nothing will pull me apart from my kids and dp . do not doubt yourself about loving your kids . WELCOME TO THE MADHOUSE!!!! Grin

workshy · 23/09/2011 00:00

your experience will not make you a bad mum -you learn from your experiences and they can either make you stronger or eat you up but esentially you make the decision

personally I couldn't leave my children but I can't comment on your Mum as I don't know the circumstances but women do levae their children for a variety of reasons -some are suffering from mental illness, alcoholism etc and either can't cope or genuinely feel that their child would be better off without them
my great granny gave up her youngest child -pregnancy unplanned, was already struggling financially and felt the kindest thing was to give the youngest one away as they would never know any different, and they would have a better life -it's a decision she regreted for the rest of her life

there are also some very selfish people who put their own needs before their childs, but this is NEVER the childs fault

you sound like you need a big hug so.......

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

LeBOF · 23/09/2011 00:02

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, yes, as this site isn't really for teenagers. But I would encourage you to approach someone on the pastoral team at school to arrange some counselling for you. Good luck.

Tortington · 23/09/2011 00:03

crikey how wonderfully articulate are you?! welcome to mumsnet.

I dont know what circumstances would make me leave my children. But i think its a little more than selfishness 99% of the time. It might be about existing relationshipsl finances, mental health issues, just coping with life and children. ~It's very hard as we can all testify to.

I hoipe if you take anything from this it's that the situation and the circumstance may not have a person at 'fault' or a clear and easy answer. There might not be any 'blame'

it is what it is. What you do from now will determine your strength of character.

Everyone had sufffered life changing circumstances, most people have suffered loss or death or divorce, adoption, every single person on this forum has a huge big story

i guess what i'm saying is you can't let this shit define you. use the negative to build a positive and be the best you can be at whatever you chose to do - and use that strength as a huge 'fuck you' to the bad stuff

xx

good luck

MrsWembley · 23/09/2011 00:06

YANBUSmile

Not knowing the circumstances of your mum's going, I would never be judgey, but it in no way should colour your relationship with any children you might have. You are... yourself! Does that make sense? It's late, I'm only on here coz DP's away and I can't sleep. But saw your post and wanted to reassure you.

I have a horrible imagination that takes me into places I don't want to know about what would happen to my DCs if... the idea of deliberately leaving them makes me feel physically ill.

Take note of all the positive things mums say on here about their DCs. That'll be you one day.Smile

teeschlurfenderdino · 23/09/2011 00:06

Hi Berry,
Of course I do not know about your personal circumstances, but there may be so many reasons for people doing things which we find so difficult to understand. Motherhood tends to be portrayed as joyous and fulfilling, but you will know if you have been lurking, that it brings myriad other feelings as well.Women who love their children enormously sometimes feel unable to cope with day to day motherhood, but this can cause them, as well as their chlidren, enormous distress. Is there anyone in your family you could talk to to try and find out why your Mum went? Perhaps now you are approaching adulthood , relatives may be able to tell you more about her circumstances?.You sound like a lovely young woman, already concerned for your own future children.

Original poster
BerryNice · 23/09/2011 00:08

Maybe a bit more information would help, I don't know.

My mum had an affair, and, although my dad forgave her, she left and is now living with the man she had the affair with.

I haven't spoken to her for a few years, because, although occasionally I do want to and really miss having my mum, she just hasn't made the effort. It really is just a text/card/email maybe 3 or 4 times a year, which makes me feel horrid and like I'm not really worth trying for. :(

Am I being too harsh? Should I get back in contact with her? I just feel like I have changed SO much in the years that we haven't spoken, and I'm not sure what benefits there are to getting back in contact, apart from answering some of the 'what ifs'.

OP posts:
teeschlurfenderdino · 23/09/2011 00:10

And this site is absolutely for anyone who wants to use it! Your question was articulate and sensitive,so welcome, hope you will stick around

worraliberty · 23/09/2011 00:11

You say you're a 'teenage girl'

How old are you?

devonshiredumpling · 23/09/2011 00:11

lebof this site is for anyone chooses to use it and berrynice needs our help in feeling good about herself before she committs to having children a very wise move. i think that shows she is mature enough to be on here

Ingles2 · 23/09/2011 00:12

Evening Berry... Welcome to Mumsnet Smile
In answer to your questions... there is absolutely nothing on this earth that would make me leave my children.. I love them unconditionally and I will do just about anything for them.
But that is a direct response to the childhood and experiences I have had... I've made a conscious decision not to be like my father.. the fact that you are considering your own life and worrying about the future, tells me that one day, you will be an incredible mum Smile
I think perhaps it would be good for your to talk to someone in RL about this...could you see your gp perhaps? or student support if you are still at school? But you are more than welcome to stick around here as well.

squeakytoy · 23/09/2011 00:12

Is it always her making the initial contact?

I would say it is worth a try. You will always wonder "what if", if you didnt make the effort.. she may be scared of your reaction or your rebuff.. (it doesnt mean she is in the right for holding back, but we are all human).

Original poster
BerryNice · 23/09/2011 00:12

I'm 17, in my second year at college. :)

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 23/09/2011 00:14

How old are you? Nearing adulthood? Maybe it's time to take the kid-gloves off and have an adult conversation with her? Tell her you deserve some honesty so you can move on instead of always wondering. Whatever it is though, I can tell you straight off it will be nothing to do with you not being worth the effort. If she doesn't know you as you are now how can she tell that!Smile

Original poster
BerryNice · 23/09/2011 00:15

It is always her making the initial contact, so I suppose I can see how after years of no response from me, it would become disheartening. At the same time though, I have no experience of what it's like to experience love for your own child, so I might have just built up an expectation of how much effort my mum should make.

OP posts:
teeschlurfenderdino · 23/09/2011 00:15

Have you ever managed to have an open and honest conversation with her about this? Perhaps she is scared of trying to be in your life, embarrassed at her past behaviour, or doesn't know how to approach the situation. I may be completely wrong, of course, but would it be worth trying to talk through it?Mybe there would not be any benefits, but it might provide you with some 'closure'(much as I hate that phrase!)

MrsWembley · 23/09/2011 00:15

Crossed posts - yes, you are old enough for that conversationGrin

squeakytoy · 23/09/2011 00:16

LeBof, teenagers can be mums too you know... and they all have mums usually.. I have no problems with anyone posting if they are not out to cause trouble.

devonshiredumpling · 23/09/2011 00:18

berry speaking from personal experience the best thing to do is to stick two fingers up to your mum get on with your life be better than her and be strong in your life choices do not expect anything from her and you will not be let down after a while you will stop missing her . i have not spoken to my mother for over twenty years now and would prob not know what she looks like even. so live your own life do not dwell on the past and it will get better PROMISE i will be here if you need someone who has been through it

Original poster
BerryNice · 23/09/2011 00:19

One of the things that I am really struggling with is the idea that even if I do meet up with her, the things I want to know won't be answered. I know that sounds silly, but in the months after she left she lied a LOT about things...she just didn't really act like my mum at all. I feel sad because I can't really remember what she used to be like without it being tainted by what happened. :(

OP posts:
LeBOF · 23/09/2011 00:19

I understand that, squeakytoy. But I feel quite strongly that urging real life support is responsible advice to give a young person. This site is not really aimed at teenagers, there aren't many here, and peer support is important.

worraliberty · 23/09/2011 00:20

It's not particularly aimed at Dads either LeBof but they're welcome and entitled to post here.

Original poster
BerryNice · 23/09/2011 00:22

I totally understand your point LeBOF, but the reason why I came here is because none of my peers understand/can give advice on the situation. I'm not out to do anything bad, I was just looking for some help from ladies who are more likely to have experience/opinions on it. :)

OP posts:
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