Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

cheated on while pregnant. what now

39 replies

melody123 · 22/09/2011 19:34

I dont know what to do or how to feel. 3 days ago I found out my partner of 14 years cheated on me while I was 6 months pregnant with our second daughter. My baby is only 3 months old. I am 34 and he is 36. He works abroad and only comes home for very short periods. He swears he only had sex with her once and prior to that kissed her on one occasion. But it appears he has been having an ?emotional relationship? with her for 8 months (I would have been about 4 weeks pregnant when it began) she was his shoulder to cry on as he says he thought I didn?t love him anymore. It is true we have not been happy for over a year probably due to the stress of having lived apart for the last 3 years but i never stopped loving him. when he cheated on me on top of being pregnant I was living alone as he worked abroad, I worked almost full time and was having a stressful time at work and I had a preschooler to look after. I had been suspicious for a while as he became different towards me and didn?t want to be near to me (he says that was guilt) months ago I caught him sitting in tears alone. I had not gone off sex he had and i gave affection only to be pushed away (again says this was guilt) Although I found out by hacking into his facebook messages I only did that as he said he was coming home to talk to me and deep down I knew what he was going to admitt to. he says he wants me back and will do anything to get me back. but him having had an emotional relationship with someone else is just as hard to cope with as the cheating with sex. i dont know whether to believe him when he says he still wants me as my self esteem is now so low. I just want the hurt to stop

OP posts:
brianmayshair · 23/09/2011 10:55

Regardless of how many times he had sex with her he stood in your house and deceived you whilst he carried out an affair with her whilst you cared for his babies.

You and your children deserve better than this. I would be suspicious that A) the affair was more than he has told you and B) it has come to an end or not worked out how he thought it was and is now afraid he will lose everything after all he didn't confess of his own back.

Let me tell you about my BF, her dp was cheating on her the whole time she was pregnant he took OW to stay in a posh hotel whilst she was in hospital after CS (he told the OW that baby wasn't his, they had got together when she was pregnant Hmm, she doesn't know the extent of the affair i can't bring myself to tell her i was going to but she found out gave him an ultimatum he broke down swore it would never happen again yadda, yadda didn't want to lose her, anyway 6 weeks later they moved countries because of his job she finds him sending dirty messages to his new colleague. She has left, he is a knob jockey who is now miserable. Point being she let him away with it and he was a born liar how else could someone lie to the mother of their children for months that takes a certain coldness.

Think that at this point you can draw a line under this and start to grieve if you stay with him you are prolonging the pain. How many threads on here expose EA only to find out later there was so much more to them?

Malificence · 23/09/2011 11:03

Being cheated on whilst pregnant is the biggest betrayal of all and if a man can do that then he is capable of anything.

peterpan99 · 23/09/2011 12:07

Sad this is so sad! I genuinely cannot believe that people do this to pregnant women. You would think the OW would be able to put herself in your position, and that would stop her!
My DP dad cheated on his mum when she was pregnant with their childminder. He then left her with an 18month old and a new born. I just cant understand how people can do it!

babyhammock · 23/09/2011 12:11

Let me tell you about my BF, her dp was cheating on her the whole time she was pregnant he took OW to stay in a posh hotel whilst she was in hospital after CS (he told the OW that baby wasn't his, they had got together when she was pregnant I'm shaking my head at what these men come out with.
OP if it was just the once, then my bum's a fairy. I wonder what he told OW about your pregnancy seeing as she knew about it.
Hugs x

MadAboutHotChoc · 23/09/2011 14:21

My BIL left his wife, 2 teenage kids and a 1 week old baby for OW - he was cheating on her throughout the pregnancy and even spent labour texting the OW.

After a very tough time, my SIL is now doing really well and her life is so much richer. So there is hope if you do decide to seperate.

Original poster
melody123 · 23/09/2011 17:59

he has now admitted it was a 6 month relationship that began when i was 6 months pregnant. he says it was more about companionship than sex and to me that is worse as i guess sex and love can be separated. he wanted to be with this person and at the same time was pushing me away. my head is spinning as it is all too much to take in

OP posts:
brianmayshair · 23/09/2011 18:18

Oh dear, have a hug or a manly punch on the shoulder if you prefer. So sorry, this is about him not you just remember that and he is has thrown away something irreplaceable, your trust, his choice.

waterrat · 23/09/2011 18:51

melody - could you find the time/ money for some counselling for yourself? The head spinning is hard to cope with - but if you can find a safe space each week during these next few months it could help you order your thoughts. The BACP website will help -or, if money is an issue - your GP might find someone for you.

This man is - as others here say - blaming you, and then telling you he is not blaming you! He is an absolute tosser - cut him off and don't let him back in our life. Get your friends round, make sure you aren't alone - don't blame yourself.

Remember - you have done nothing wrong here.

seriouschanger · 23/09/2011 19:11

HI OP sorry to here this has happened to you too gutting:(

I was 5 months...years ater the ow said she did not know I was pregnant and same happened to her with 1st H.....anyway it is H that cheated.
Sorry have not read rest of posts...but if H can do this when you are most vuln what else can he do?
I could never trust another man again. Also I had every test done possible to make sure he never gave me anything.

Flissfloss · 23/09/2011 19:33

I know how you feel. I found out my ex was cheating on me when I was 5 months pregnant. But he dumped me and lied about it when I was 3 months ( He didn't want the truth to be out) Needless to say he is an utter cunt. Anyways. I went through my pregnancy all by myself. Working and moving from flats to flats until I got my own flat. The thought that he had sex with another woman and then again with me sickens me to the core. He could have given me anything (std, sti's) IMO and this is me being honest. I'm glad he fucked off. I could never have forgiven him for fucking someone else.

OP if you were to forgive him. How can you honestly sleep with someone who can disrespect you like that? And ok if you didn't ever sleep with him again it wouldn't work. You cannot be with someone you can't trust.

You know in your heart of hearts you're not going to forget what he's done.

crazyhead · 23/09/2011 19:50

I know this is very different from what most people are saying, but I don't personally feel I could judge the significance from your posts of your OH's affair either in terms of what sort of person he is or in terms of what it means for your relationship/what you should do.

I have to say I personally know generally really nice, loyal people who've got muddled up in affairs, as well as philanderers who are just inherently pretty bad news. Obviously your OH has done this to you at an awful time, but also quite a common one.

It is dreadful for you to have him so far away because it must be so hard to get a grip on the situation and what has happened/is happening - you must just be exhausted. From my own experience I'd really recommend going to Relate as a way of just logically thinking through was has happened (is happening?) step by step.

Whether you get through this as a couple or not depends on really personal things - situations that look the same from the outside can be very different from the inside. All the best with it all

Nonsense1825 · 23/09/2011 19:59

Just horrible, you need a big hug. I found out my dp had a 19 mth relationship with a woman at work, started when dd was 2 months and ds 2.5yrs, (I've known about eight weeks now). Absolute hell. Lots of posters have advised time apart but I just wanted to say that for me being together has helped, being able to ask questions, shout, cry when I wanted, yes tell him to go out when you need space, it was useful having him there for the kids as well, sometimes I have been just useless.
Not sure if this is good advice - just what has worked (so far) for me.
Thinking of you.

maleview70 · 23/09/2011 21:32

If you had a daughter and she came to you with this story what would you advise?

If it would be to leave him then you have your answer.

This so called love button can be reversed if the person you love has taken the ultimate liberty.

It is ok to leave someone who takes the piss!

Flissfloss · 23/09/2011 22:50

Well said maleview70

New posts on this thread. Refresh page