How much should I expect from husband?

[TartanKitty]

Was going to call this thread 'how do I make him pay' but that seems a little drastic. Basically he is off on a five day stag holiday with some mates leaving me home alone with four month old, who happens to also be teething (already!).
He had a four day holiday with two other friends a month ago, again leaving me home with no support (parents and best friend are over an hour's drive away).
These trips were planned while I was pregnant. Of course, not wanting to be the unreasonable or demanding wife I agreed to it but I admit to feeling somewhat pissed off and jealous that he can just go off and do as he pleases.

So, how much do I make him 'make it up to me' when he gets back? I'm not looking for tit for tat exactly (ok, so maybe a little bit if I'm totally honest) but I do feel he owes me some serious pampering or something for being so understanding.

Last month we had two nights away as a family camping as my 'holiday' to give me something to look forward to after he had been away. But the first night he was ill and the second night the baby was playing up so I ended up shattered (I do all night wakings and about 99% childcare and housework generally) so I still feel a bit cheated out of my 'break'.

My husband works really hard in a stressful job to earn money for our family so I can't begrudge him letting off some steam but he does little around the house and I am trying to get him to realise just how hard I find it all being a new mum and doing everything at home.

Any suggestions for a -list of demands- wee treat for his lovely wife? :)

Ok so my plan is to detail everything I do to give him some perspective and to use as a basis for looking at what can be shared to distribute the workload more evenly. Tell him - not ask - I'm going away / out so he will have to take care of our son (he once mentioned 'babysitting' and I shot him down instantly - you do not babysit your own own child!! but maybe gives some insight into how he sees childcare as entirely my role). Make more of an effort to take time for myself generally and stop being such a bloody martyr.

Good plan Tartan. Good luck :)

Good luck, Tartan

Do come back and tell us how it's going

Thanks for all the advice.
Still a bit miffed my list of demands are to change more nappies and do some dishes rather than be sent a red Rose every week for a year or a night out with lots of wine

Roses die, and a night out lasts one night. A husband who adores you and pulls his weight can last a lifetime :)

But thats not to say you should turn your nose up at a trip the Tiffanys btw ;) :o

to not the!

And while you are at it Tartan, please stop thinking in terms of trinkets as payback. I know you were only half serious but this speaks volumes about the way you have begun to think. Its degrading tbh and you are selling yourself cheap. Respect is priceless. It sounds like you are now going to take steps to achieve that.

Completely agree that it speaks volumes that you want 'treats' rather than equality in your relationship.

erm, just a quick point from last night about you not being on the deeds. How will it cost £600? Who has told you this? Go and see a property lawyer, you can register a Notice on the title of the property to note your financial interest and investment. This would prevent a sale without your knowledge. Very easy to do and costs £50. Go to the Land Registry website and have a poke around(I'm crap at links)

It will not cost you £600 to have your name put on the deeds. I do it for clients quite a bit and neither me nor the Land Reg have ever charged this sum.

Also, if he is a banker then why don't you at least have a cleaner - and surely even if adding you to the deeds would cost £600 then that wouldn't be insurmountable?

Is he spending all his money on himself?

The language you use when describing your relationship is so unbalanced.

'I just managed to persuade him to put his pay into joint account last month' - why should you have to persuade him, why does he get to keep the family income and decide how it is spent?

'He bought the house we're in' - no, you both contributed money, why on earth do you think that HE bought it, and why on earth was it not in joint names?

'He told me it would automatically be half mine when we got married. I found out this was not true but now he refuses to have me put on deeds as it will cost £600.' - so he lied to you, you didn't query at the time why he was using YOUR money to buy a house only in HIS name?

I think you have bigger problems than whether he buys you roses to compensate for a weekend away.

I agree with bogeyface. Cant remember the last time dp bought me flowers, (although he does occasionally get a bottle of wine in!) but he always helps around the home and with dd, even when I was a sahm and he was working ft/really hard to support us as a famile. And that I appreciate more than anything he could ever buy me. Good luck with your plan, make some time for yourself, as some of the ladies have said you need to make him aware that he needs to pull his weight more.

I think the diary will be an excellent idea, Tartan. It'll show you really, without emotion what the split is between time for you and time for him.

Set yourself a reasonable time frame to measure say 3m, and note it all down daily. Request time to yourself, request shared care for your child at weekends, a lie in etc. I know a guy with a massive job in the city, stupid hours and TWINS and they still do a shared lie in on the weekends, he gets saturday, she gets sunday.

See the bigger picture here, ask/demand your equality and THEN decide what to do if it's not forthcoming when you have been clear, unemotional, rational and fair.

We are always here. I hope you come back and tell us that it all went swimmingly, that he's bucked his ideas up and all is fine. If it is we'll be jumping up and down on furniture, if not, we'll be here to talk it through whatever you decide comes next.

Get CAB advice on the deeds thing. I'd also ask around for prices for solicitors to put you on the deeds too, I don't think it need be that expensive. it may be that it actually ISN'T that expensive, that may not have been the truth.... It's filling in a land registry form as far as I understand it....

HerH - I agree with all of that.

I don't think it would hurt for you to have a weekend away without him and your baby though. Nice for you to get a break, good for him to experience what it's like for you at the same time.

"He refuses to have me put on deeds as it will cost £600"

He misled you on that point; it won't cost that much.

Treats will in no way make up for the power imbalance within your relationship; he is all take and you're all give. The power imbalance issue needs to be addressed.

Dude, before you start attempting to bang your head against a brick wall re childcare / housework etc, don't you think you need to get your house / financial situation sorted out ASAP?!?

Even setting aside some of the frankly worrying information about your DH that you've already shared, and assuming that he is a stand-up guy who just needs a gentle wake-up call (I'm afraid I think he needs a lot more than this) you need to make sure that you and your child are adequately protected JUST IN CASE something awful happened.

If your DH decided to have an affair, for example, you would be STUFFED.

Get your name on the deeds. All his income to go directly into a joint account (i mean DIRECTLY, straight from payroll, not him transferring what he says he is earning from his own account) and agree a 'disposable income' for each of you to then be transferred into your own, private bank accounts to be spent / saved as you see fit.

Once you're in a slightly more equal / secure position financially, THEN you need to have some rather frank discussions about what you want (and what your child needs) from him as a father.

It does seem that inequality is creeping into your relationship based on his earnings. I'm not sure that is an appropriate way to think about your marriage however. It would also be helpful if he considered himself to be a family man and understand what that actually means. I would find it strange that a married man with a new baby thinks it completely acceptable to go on a mates 50th birthday celebrations - is the friend single? What is wrong with couples celebrating in a family friendly way.

It is important that there is equality & respect in your relationship. It seems to be the cornerstone of successful long term relationships. I would also add the ability to communicate effectively (without being defensive or blaming).

To address the financial aspect:

I bought a flat in the town I worked after finishing uni with the intention of him joining me in it a few months later (once he passed his motorbike test to have transport for commute). But when he got his bike he decided the 45miles each way was too far and train was impractical so refused to move from his rented flatshare in the (Edinburgh) city centre. So I found a job in another town nearer Edinburgh and we looked to buy together. We found a place but we weren't married at the time and with his salary being just over double mine at that point he told me he would get a better (staff) mortgage deal by himself. He said he'd have me added later so I sold my flat to pay for repairs needed on 'his' house. We got engaged a couple of weeks after moving and married 16months later.

He said once we were married I'd be entitled to half anyway so we never had me added. Only found out later this was rubbish. He took a job in London four months after we married and It was only when estate agent refused to deal with me (despite being his wife and still living up here) that I found out I did not have equal rights. Long story short; things were not good, house was on market for a year with little interest, my planned (though unwanted) move to join him down south stalled due to lack of job and the fact he was living out of a suitcase with relatives, I had quit job but had nowhere to go and was suffering from depression, I felt abandoned, I had an affair , we discussed divorce but agreed to give it another go and he managed to get promotion bringing him back to Edinburgh. At this point I looked into more equal finances but he said he 'questioned my motives' and said it would only be an issue if we split and it just caused rows so I dropped the issue. The £600 figure came from me phoning up a couple of solicitors to see what it would cost to put me on deeds. He refused at that point to put his salary into joint account - we had joint account that we both put 50% of take home pay into to cover bills which seemed a fair set up but obviously left him with far more cash than me. I wanted to make things work, felt bad about affair and that he had moves back to Scotland for me so figured it wasn't worth the fight and just wanted to settle down and have a family. I had individual counselling and felt much improved.
A year after he moved back we have our son and I argued his wages should go into family pot and spends transferred out rather than other way around and this was finally done last month (my SMP still paid direct to me as 'my' money to save transferring it about and I no longer pay into joint account since my pay has reduced so much.

So, not sure where that leaves the financial situation. I am very dependent on him. I have told him this makes me feel inadequate and not an equal partner. He says not to be silly, and even when we were separated and I didn't have a job he paid bills on our home while I lived here. I am reluctant to leave paid work to be SAHM and become further dependent but find it hard to articulate that because of my past affair and him being suspicious of my motives. I do feel indebted to him for forgiving me, giving me my son and providing for us financially and perhaps overcompensate because of that.

Yes, he spends a fair bit of money on himself (holidays, nights out, new motorbike etc) but also on our home and he gave me his old bike when I passed my test and as soon as I found out I was pregnant he bought a bigger car for our new family (in my name). Thing is, for a banker's wife I really couldn't care less about money. All I want is family and would be happy in a wee bedsit so long as I had my son/family. I'd rather he earned less and was available more.

I started this thread hoping for lighthearted suggestions for him to take baby while I munched chocolate by candle light in the bath or gave me a foot rub / massage but have ended up feeling perhaps more counselling is required in order to learn how to assert myself in this relationship.

Sorry, that was horrendously long. Just didn't want to miss anything out as was aware the thread had kinda dripfed into a different tone from my intended start.

The foundations of your relationship sound very shaky. Not sure how long ago your affair was, but surely the fact that you are still together and now have a child, you've had counselling etc etc, mean that it's time for both of you to put it behind you. Your relationship needs to grow and develop and it won't if you constantly feel on the back foot because of your past mistake. I'm sure that he has made mistake too, yet still he seems to hold the reins?

I think you do need to learn to assert yourself in your relationship, and if counselling would help you to achieve that then so be it. But, I think he also has some learning to do about equality in a relationship - about being partners. Not sure how you can bring that about. The trouble in some ways with trying to solve it by being more assertive is that he may well start pushing back to reassert his power. You need to find a solution to this together - he needs to want to.

I'll put your name on the deeds for a lot less than that. PM me if you need to. PS I am not a loon, I'm a property lawyer.

Hmmmm, just read that back.....

Op do you love him? Because you have not described any warmth between the two of you or any redeeming features on his part - all you say in his defence is that he works hard and earns lots of money. You work hard too. You obviously feel guilt about the past - but why about a move? Families make mutual decisions. Is there anything other than guilt and gratitude for the security in your feelings for him?

His treatment of you - putting aside the money issue - seems uncaring and unloving - what kind of man watches his partner struggle with a painful pregnancy and won't step in to help? He seems totally uninterested in supporting any of your interests - or your life as an individual. No help at all from him as you struggle - how could chocolates compensate for that?

I wonder if the focus on trinkets and flowers is symptomatic if a desire for some love and romance between you both - I would ask where the play and the fun is between you? He is using his leisure time for childish boys holidays - what about family time ?

Perhaps you need to look deeper at what needs to exist for the two of you to move forward